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3 Ways To Spend Thanksgiving With The In-Laws As A Closet Vegan

I'm bawking on telling the fam I'm vegan on my first Turkey Day sans turkey

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I'm all about the tofucken

My doctor suggested I go on a plant-based diet because my "numbers are a little high". As a formerly hardcore meat-eater (like Nathan's hotdogs for breakfast meat-eater), I knew it was only a matter of time before I got that news anyway, so I wasn't surprised.

So I became vegan.

I was expecting friends to give me a hard time because in the past, I have said things like, 'I don't trust anyone who doesn't eat meat', but for the most part, they were more curious than disturbed.

Of all the holidays, Thanksgiving is my favorite because I love stuffing, mashed potatoes, and crescent rolls in an unnatural, stalker sort of way. I have the good fortune of loving my in-laws. When they found out my wife was marrying a woman (me), they didn't even flinch -- instead, embracing me completely into their little, eccentric, loving family. That alone is something to be thankful for, and yet, coming out of the closet as a vegan feels like a betrayal. Me, the person who'd order a side of meat with my meat. Me, the person who'd blow raspberries at my San Francisco friends who wore t-shirts reading "Nothing With a Face!". I would be coming out as a hypocrite, and it is super humbling. Oh well.

Next week, I'm driving down with my sister-in-law, her husband, and my wife for Thanksgiving with her family, and only some of them know I'm no longer eating meat, dairy, or turkey. Luckily, because my sister-in-law's husband is a vegetarian, the coming out will be a sort of soft launch. But no butter and no eggs mean no pie, no green bean casserole, and obviously no turkey on Turkey Day:

Potential for awkwardness -- 75%. Potential for irritation -- 65.5%. [stats based on me making up numbers].

So I asked my wife, 'egads, what are you going to do?' (<--- notice here the transference of responsibility to my perfect wife). So, she and her sisters came up with this:

A sort of potluck meal where we will be bringing some "healthy!" and "yummy!" veggies and snacks:

* Hummus

* Oreos?

* Bacos (this is a joke because this is vegan but also, no)

* Vegan crackers

* Crescent rolls are vegan!

* Leave hungry?

Have a separate hybrid carnivore/vegan feast at another location later with friendlies -- aka, people who know who will make:

* Field roast -- I'm not into fake or substitute meat but my wife insisted on buying this for us veggies

* Vegan Pepperidge Farms stuffing

* Earth Balance tastes just like butter, y'all like wow

Be Loud! Be Proud! Come Out!

* Yes, I will (60%)

* Hell no, I won't (30%)

* Maybe? (15%)

* I am bad at math

Regardless of what I choose to do, I know it matters more to me than it does to any of my in-laws. As I mentioned earlier, I love my in-laws. They are solid human beings. They're more my family now than my unchosen family ever was. And yes, I know that writing this article is my official coming out to them and everyone who reads this anyway, so ta-da! I'm vegan! And obviously, I can't be trusted.

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