I'm 25 now, I think I'm supposed to be having something called a quarter life crisis and I'm like more like a fifth life crisis amiright!?
I thought I should make a reverse bucket list because I'm one of those comedians who likes to take something established and universal and tweak it just a LITTLE bit, creating something entirely new and exciting while remaining accessible. But first I have to figure out what a reverse bucket list is.
The easiest way to figure it out is probably just to reverse the meaning of the phrase bucket list. A list of things you want to do before you die. So a reverse bucket list is a list of things you don't want to do before you die. But now I'm wondering exactly how much of the sentiment needs to be reversed. Because if we're really committing here a reverse bucket list would be a not-list of non-things you don't want to not do after you don't die.
That doesn't make much sense. What's a not-list? And what are non-things? These sound like really interesting questions to ponder but I'm trying to write a zippy comedy internet post here. God who knew turning 25 would be so complicated?
No. I will not have this anarchy. A not-list is a bullshit comedy idea, it's needlessly floppy and ethereal, the concept literally contains the word list, it's gotta be a fucking list.
Sorry. I can't already lose my temper about this. Sorry. I've been under a lot of pressure lately, I was really hoping this Reverse Bucket List would get some buzz going.
Somebody has to use the magic purple crayon of comedy to draw a comedy box around this situation and establish comedy rules and that somebody is President Alejandro Julián Kolleeny, comedian and 25 year old boy. And President.
Okay, the structure of the list could either be things I definitely don't want to have happen to me before I die, which I think is kind of paint by numbers and pedestrian, or if I want to add some magic purple details to this comedy layer cake I could make it—I want to make it somehow about 25ness, right? Because people in their twenties love being told how cool and unique they are for the fact that they are the age that they are.
So it's things I want or don't want to do before I'm done being 25. That's it. Great. Excellent. Let's get started.
I turned 25, now I'm 25 and that's a banner year, it's the first year of the second half of your twenties! So for some reason, maybe to best enjoy my 25th year? Or I thought the list would be necessary? Yeah, it's a part of growing up for me. I made a Reverse Bucket List. Instead of things I want to get done before I die, it's things I want to get done before I'm 26.
No. Now I'm drowning in fire and hate. That's not a FUCKING Reverse Bucket List. It's a 25th Year List and that's a STUPID IDEA.
When a comedian turns 25 and simultaneously comes up with a phrase that scans as well as REVERSE BUCKET LIST and then can't execute that's downright inexcusable. I am writing this Reverse Bucket List. And it is going to be funny.
Holy shit I'm a genius and also an idiot for not realizing this earlier but I'm a genius for realizing it now. A REVERSE BUCKET LIST IS A LIST OF SHIT YOU'VE ALREADY DONE THAT YOU WISH YOU COULD UNDO. IT'S SO SIMPLE, IT'S JUST A LIST OF REGRETS. AND I GOT PLENTLY OF THOSE. I HAVE A SURPLUS.
Um, this space was most recently occupied by a long list of not funny regrets. I deleted them and wrote the words you're reading now because there's no chance this sentence is less funny than my regrets.
I'm so mad. This is a disaster. I feel like every time I get started on this Reverse Bucket List I skid out across the stinging ice of failure, like the worthless hunk of flesh that I am. I can't even write the simplest thing in the world: A wildly successful viral comedy post that tweaks a familiar concept just a LITTLE bit creating something new and different while remaining accessible.
I'm sorry. I apologize to your eyes for reading this, your brain for arranging the letters into words and then sentences and well goddamn it I apologize to your whole face. What kind of a comedy writer am I if I can't pull this off? I can't even decide what a Reverse Bucket List should be, is it a list of regrets, a 25th year list? And so I've been typing and typing and the result is this artless monster, like what the fuck is this? It's completely incoherent, it's not a list, it doesn't contain things, clearly I haven't been enjoying myself nor have I even done what I set out to do and here I am still alive, still writing crap—
Wait a second. That's it. I did it.
IT'S A NOT LIST OF NON THINGS I DON'T WANT TO NOT DO BEFORE I DON'T DIE. THAT'S EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF A BUCKET LIST AND IT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WROTE!
IT'S A REVERSE BUCKET LIST!
IM THE KING!
I AM THE KING OF ALL THE COMEDY WRITERS!