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A Review Of My Panic Attack At Medieval Times

Cannot Recommend Enough

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Via flickr.com

I would like to begin by stressing that this is NOT a review of the Toronto Ontario Medieval Times. This is a review of the panic attack I had there. It was great.

Most panic attacks are BORING, they happen in your room or on a city bus or in the bathroom at your job—I got to have one in the FUCKING MIDDLE AGES. I guess that’s the whole draw of the restaurant now that I think of it.

My panic attack was not motivated by existential dread or an unexplained pain in my abdomen. Medieval Times basically scared the shit out of me. It was incredible. Let me break down my experience into some categories:

DECOR

Completely terrifying. Medieval Times wants to look like a castle but doesn't have the money to actually build a castle so everything about the place is fake and wrong. Like—you feel like a knight who some very naïve underfunded aliens are trying to trick into thinking he's in a castle. And I get, I get that we all know we're not in a castle, I'm not saying Medieval Times HAS to look like a genuine castle, all I'm saying is the fact that it doesn't is completely fucking terrifying.

AMBIANCE

YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY CROWDS OF PEOPLE ALL DRESSED LIKE IT'S TODAY WALKING AROUND THE FAKE CASTLE LIKE IT'S NO BIG DEAL. AND THERE ARE PEOPLE DRESSED LIKE I GUESS THE WAY MERCH PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO DRESS IN MEDIEVAL TIMES? I COULDN'T REALLY SAY WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE BUT THEY TREAT YOU LIKE IT'S THE MIDDLE AGES AND SELL YOU T-SHIRTS AND PLASTIC SWORDS.

ENTERTAINMENT

Via mamalikestocook.com

I couldn't wait to get into the main hall because at least then I could sit down at a table across from my friends and look them in the eyes and talk to them which would help me calm down. But it turns out you all face forward in a big stadium and the entertainment is these dudes riding around and jousting. I should probably have just googled Medieval Times before I agreed to go. Jesus, there was a hawk flying around and everyone was yelling, apparently I was supposed to be rooting for one of the guys on horses, it was very frightening.

HOW THE STAFF TREATS YOU WHEN YOU’RE SITTING ALONE IN THE GREAT HALL STARING AT THE FLOOR AND BREATHING VERY DELIBERATELY

The staff was great. Excellent job all around. They asked me if I was okay just enough but not too many times. I feel like when you work at Medieval Times you probably witness a panic attack or two a week. I bet that's really fun.

FOOD

After sitting in a big chair in the great hall for an hour I went back into the arena reasonably certain I would live. I ate some Castle Bread. For some reason they call it Castle Bread. They don't have a special name for the potato wedge or the turkey leg but Castle Bread is important to them. It was pretty good bread.

AFTERMATH

Via media-cdn.tripadvisor.com

The show ended and I fled. My friends stayed behind to get pictures with the jousting guys and buy fake swords. I got outside as quickly as possible and took a cab back to the hotel instead of going out to karaoke with them. Actually I think I still owe Griffin 52 dollars. Maybe I'll Venmo him. Ugh, I hate Venmo, I had to set one up yesterday and now grubhub doesn't accept my card and I think the two events are related.

Friends—I am PAYING 52 dollars for the panic attack I had. And that shit was worth every penny. I give it 9 out of 10 stars only because I'd feel cheap if I started throwing around 10 star reviews.

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