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10 Years, 10 Reasons Hitch Is The Weirdest Romantic Comedy Ever

Spoiler Alert, But Wait Have You Really Not Seen Hitch?

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Yesterday I saw my first Valentine's Day commercial, which means it is Romantic Comedy season once again! I LOVE Romantic Comedies, and by love I don't mean love. I something them.

The movie Hitch turns 10 years old in 2015 and I can't recommend it enough. Hitch is strange, but not classic Romantic Comedy strange. Hitch is aggressively strange, antagonistically strange.

There must have been a Chaos Imp lurking around production, dropping in little easter eggs that make the movie feel like a really put together guy who slowly turns out to be completely insane. Happy 10th Hitch.

1. The First Thing Will Smith Does Onscreen Is Pull A Dog Out Of A Bag.

Via 4everstatic.com

Okay, think back to the very first time we see Hitch. He walks into frame, speaking directly to the camera, kneels down in the lobby of an apartment building, and pulls a Dachshund out of a closed leather bag.

Let me be clear: the dog's head isn't sticking out of the bag. Hitch has been walking around with this Dachshund zipped up in his bag--for how long we do not know, where the dog came from we do not know, the only thing we know is Hitch apparently is the sort of man who calmly removes a Dachshund from a closed bag, in a classic example of Dog Ex Bagina. (*accepts comedy awards*)

2. Hitch's Old Friend Ben Disappears.

Via cinemablend.com

Do you recognize this guy? His name is Michael Rapaport and he appears in one of the opening scenes as Hitch's married friend, Ben. Ben only exists to help establish Hitch as closed off, but what's amazing is THIS IS BEN'S ONLY SCENE!

Do you have any idea the sort of psychopathic confidence a movie must have to bring in a character only to develop another character and then just THROW THEM AWAY? It's like the movie feels put upon at the very idea of pretending not to be a movie.

And it's like--yes, thank you movie. Don't pretend to be something you aren't.

3. Meta Meet Cute.

Via extras.mnginteractive.com

UGH, this horrible conversation between Hitch and Eva Mendes' character Sarah Melas. It's a flirty meta-conversation about what their interaction WOULD be like IF Hitch were really interested in getting to know her. Hitch punctuates his point by getting up and walking away, and then a waitress brings Sarah a drink from Hitch. And she's like "Ooh, this guy's special!" Apparently.

4. Where Is He When They're Talking With Walkie Talkies?

Via projectorreviews.com

Have you ever used a walkie talkie? They barely work from across a room. Sarah is in her office building, Hitch is walking down a street that does not look like it's in a business district, is this not a problem for you?

Unless Hitch is such an obsessive creepy weirdo that he sprang for extremely high range walkie talkies and that's the whole point, which I would TOTALLY believe about him.

5. Will Smith Keeps Buying Eva Mendes Things That Need To Fit.

Via projectorreviews.com

The character of Hitch is presented to us as a kind of Sherlock Holmes of relationships and "understanding women" I guess, and this is perhaps best exemplified by the fact that he buys Sarah Melas a wetsuit which miraculously fits and a pair of really great looking sunglasses, which I actually find much more impressive.

People have deceptively sized and shaped heads, and it's easy to look like a doofus in sunglasses. Hitch picked the best looking sunglasses! Always remember when you watch that scene, Hitch spent some time in a Sunglass Hut thinking really hard.

6. Eva Mendes Great Great Grandfather is a SERIAL KILLER.

Via onthesetofnewyork.com

Hitch takes Sarah to Ellis Island, she mentions having a relative who came through Ellis Island, Hitch points her to her relative's name in the signing book, and rather than being touched Sarah breaks into hysterics. It seems she is not happy to be reminded of Juan Melas, her Great Great Grandfather.

The reason for this being that he was "The Butcher Of Cadiz!" Which is probably worth discussing a bit. The film spends about three lines of dialogue on Sarah Melas' murderous ancestor.

And it's so beautiful because it's not a plot hole...it's like a plot swamp. The movie might as well be pranking its viewers by telling us something so distracting and then insisting we drop it completely.

7. The Hitch Rules!!!!

Via i.ytimg.com

Remember, Hitch is a good dude, so when Vance comes to him wanting to "bang" a girl, Hitch is not down. Hitch only helps men present themselves in deceptively positive ways when they are in love and looking for serious relationships. He has MORALS!!!

8. Argument Punctuated By Vegetable Throwing.

Via botapedia.com

Sarah Melas and Hitch have an argument in his apartment after she discovers that he is the "Date Doctor," and she grabs a bunch of Broccoli and Cauliflower to throw at him. Under fire, Hitch begins throwing leafy greens from the salad he has been tossing and the ostensible emotional climax of the film ends up taking place during a very healthy food fight.

10. That Whole Scene At The End With The Guy Who Turns Out To Be Her Step-Brother?

Via tumblr.com

This is my favorite. After Hitch goes over to Sarah's place and gives a speech about how much he wants to be with her, she opens the door to her apartment and leaves with some handsome dude. Oh shit, it's a classic Romantic Comedy twist, right!?

Hitch follows them out into the street and chases their car down and continues giving his speech until finally Sarah admits she cares about him too--at which point the man with whom she left her apartment is revealed to be her Step-Brother.

But why do that to us? Why make us think one thing and then another thing and then a third thing? Two twists? Is that nice?

You know when you go on a wooden roller coaster and it throws you around and you feel like your bones are being rattled, and you think to yourself, "What the hell is this, aren't I supposed to be having fun?" That's what it's like watching the last 20 minutes of Hitch. Except for that sweet dance party. Gotta hang in there for the dance party.

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