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Which Newspaper Are You?

You could be anything from the Times to the Star...

Posted on
Jordan Mansfield / Getty
  1. 1. Describe your perfect date.

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    Brunch at a vegan cafe before a class in wicker bicycle making.
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    Military parade then a pint of warm ale at the village pub.
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    Bingo Hall.
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    Pop over to Venice, dinner at a Michelin-starred restaurant, opera.
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    Go to the footy, beers in the local 'spoons, curry.
  2. 2. The weather is...

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    Only going to get more extreme due to the pernicious effects of global warming.
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    Much colder than it used to be.
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    Generally a mix of 80mph gales and six-month long droughts.
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    Not something about which I'm remotely concerned.
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    Essentially the greatest man-made catastrophe in history.
  3. 3. It's A-Level Results Day! What does that mean to you?

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    A Levels are too easy these days. We need to encourage more young people into apprenticeships rather than higher education.
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    A Levels are too easy these days. That's what happens after more than a decade of borderline communist Labour politicians.
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    A Levels are too easy these days. And Michael Gove's ludicrous reforms won't solve that.
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    A Levels are too easy these days. Also: PHWOAR! LOOK AT ALL THAT TOTTY!
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    PHWOAR! LOOK AT ALL THAT TOTTY! What was that about A Levels?
  4. 4. The Royals are:

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    An irrelevance in modern Britain.
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    A useful source of tourist revenue.
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    Parasites.
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    Semi-mythological demigods who provide the basis for Britain's Standing On The World Stage.
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    Largely a bit dull with the exception of Harry, who is King LAD.
  5. 5. Who's your favourite TV chef?

    Phil Walter / Getty
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    Jamie Oliver.
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    Nigella.
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    Heston Blumenthal.
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    Mary Berry.
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    I don't have one, but I'm obsessed with an artisanal baker's just off Crouch End Broadway.
  6. 6. Increased immigration to the UK...

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    Is an inevitable consequence of global migration trends.
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    Must be prevented at all costs. Using crossbows and catapults if necessary.
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    Makes for hotter lap dancers.
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    Should be encouraged to boost Britain's economy.
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    DON'T EVEN SAY THOSE WORDS.
  7. 7. What are your thoughts on kale?

    Brendan Hoffman / Getty
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    Jack Monroe had a GORGE recipe in the weekend supplement.
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    Pretentious, but if we're honest it's the hottest vegetable this season.
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    Preferred it when it was part of the Dig For Victory campaign.
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    Poncy cabbage eaten by ponces.
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    I liked "Can't Get You Out Of My Head" but she's rubbish on The Voice.
  8. 8. Which headline works best?

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    Angelina Jolie Travels To Darfur For Action On Refugees
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    Darfur Crisis "Is Escalating", UNHCR Ambassador Announces
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    What Does The Darfur Crisis Mean For Chad?
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    Civil PHWOAR! Now Angelina's involved
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    Did the SAS kill Diana?
  9. 9. The welfare system is...

    Scott Heavey / Getty
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    A safety net for the most vulnerable in society.
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    A vital public service in serious need of reform.
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    Mostly used by Eastern Europeans.
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    A way for scroungers to get bigger televisions.
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    The way I get most of my income.
  10. 10. Which online media strategy sounds most sensible?

    Ethan Miller / Getty
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    Open up all your content to your readers; in fact, try to make them write it where possible.
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    Batten down the hatches with a paywall; people should pay for quality.
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    Go long on celebrities in bikinis and viral news; watch the clicks fly in.
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    Employ people to give incorrect opinions on every news story.
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    Don't understand the question.
  11. 11. What's the most pressing health story of the day?

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    Cancer. All the cancer. From broccoli. Or brazil nuts. Or wearing brown shoes. Or something.
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    A global study about malaria.
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    Arthritis cure.
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    Tories flogging off the health service to the highest bidders.
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    Lucy Pinder's been wearing a nurse's uniform.
  12. 12. Who's a British hero?

    Mike Hewitt / Getty
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    Stephen Fry.
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    John Terry.
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    Dame Vera Lynn.
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    Richard Branson.
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    Lembit Opik.
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