Which Newspaper Are You?

You could be anything from the Times to the Star

Jordan Mansfield / Getty
  1. 1. Describe your perfect date.
    1. Brunch at a vegan cafe before a class in wicker bicycle making.
    2. Military parade then a pint of warm ale at the village pub.
    3. Bingo Hall.
    4. Pop over to Venice, dinner at a Michelin-starred restaurant, opera.
    5. Go to the footy, beers in the local ‘spoons, curry.
  2. 2. The weather is...
    1. Only going to get more extreme due to the pernicious effects of global warming.
    2. Much colder than it used to be.
    3. Generally a mix of 80mph gales and six-month long droughts.
    4. Not something about which I’m remotely concerned.
    5. Essentially the greatest man-made catastrophe in history.
  3. 3. It's A-Level Results Day! What does that mean to you?
    Christopher Furlong / Getty
    1. A Levels are too easy these days. We need to encourage more young people into apprenticeships rather than higher education.
    2. A Levels are too easy these days. That’s what happens after more than a decade of borderline communist Labour politicians.
    3. A Levels are too easy these days. And Michael Gove’s ludicrous reforms won’t solve that.
    4. A Levels are too easy these days. Also: PHWOAR! LOOK AT ALL THAT TOTTY!
    5. PHWOAR! LOOK AT ALL THAT TOTTY! What was that about A Levels?
  4. 4. The Royals are:
    WPA Pool / Getty
    1. An irrelevance in modern Britain.
    2. A useful source of tourist revenue.
    3. Parasites.
    4. Semi-mythological demigods who provide the basis for Britain’s Standing On The World Stage.
    5. Largely a bit dull with the exception of Harry, who is King LAD.
  5. 5. Who's your favourite TV chef?
    Phil Walter / Getty
    1. Jamie Oliver.
    2. Nigella.
    3. Heston Blumenthal.
    4. Mary Berry.
    5. I don’t have one, but I’m obsessed with an artisanal baker’s just off Crouch End Broadway.
  6. 6. Increased immigration to the UK...
    Peter MacDiarmid / Getty
    1. Is an inevitable consequence of global migration trends.
    2. Must be prevented at all costs. Using crossbows and catapults if necessary.
    3. Makes for hotter lap dancers.
    4. Should be encouraged to boost Britain’s economy.
  7. 7. What are your thoughts on kale?
    Brendan Hoffman / Getty
    1. Jack Monroe had a GORGE recipe in the weekend supplement.
    2. Pretentious, but if we’re honest it’s the hottest vegetable this season.
    3. Preferred it when it was part of the Dig For Victory campaign.
    4. Poncy cabbage eaten by ponces.
    5. I liked “Can’t Get You Out Of My Head” but she’s rubbish on The Voice.
  8. 8. Which headline works best?
    1. Angelina Jolie Travels To Darfur For Action On Refugees
    2. Darfur Crisis “Is Escalating”, UNHCR Ambassador Announces
    3. What Does The Darfur Crisis Mean For Chad?
    4. Civil PHWOAR! Now Angelina’s involved
    5. Did the SAS kill Diana?
  9. 9. The welfare system is...
    Scott Heavey / Getty
    1. A safety net for the most vulnerable in society.
    2. A vital public service in serious need of reform.
    3. Mostly used by Eastern Europeans.
    4. A way for scroungers to get bigger televisions.
    5. The way I get most of my income.
  10. 10. Which online media strategy sounds most sensible?
    Ethan Miller / Getty
    1. Open up all your content to your readers; in fact, try to make them write it where possible.
    2. Batten down the hatches with a paywall; people should pay for quality.
    3. Go long on celebrities in bikinis and viral news; watch the clicks fly in.
    4. Employ people to give incorrect opinions on every news story.
    5. Don’t understand the question.
  11. 11. What's the most pressing health story of the day?
    1. Cancer. All the cancer. From broccoli. Or brazil nuts. Or wearing brown shoes. Or something.
    2. A global study about malaria.
    3. Arthritis cure.
    4. Tories flogging off the health service to the highest bidders.
    5. Lucy Pinder’s been wearing a nurse’s uniform.
  12. 12. Who's a British hero?
    Mike Hewitt / Getty
    1. Stephen Fry.
    2. John Terry.
    3. Dame Vera Lynn.
    4. Richard Branson.
    5. Lembit Opik.

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Alan White is a senior reporter for BuzzFeed News and is based in London.
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