BETROTHED homosexuals are to use their magical flood-creating powers to bring new life to desert regions.
Gay people in civil partnerships, who have been granted the power to summon rainstorms from the heavens by God and UKIP, plan to use it benevolently.
Nathan Muir, who saw storm clouds forming as he kissed his husband on their wedding day, said: "We're honeymooning in Sub-Saharan Africa so that we can bring the waters of gayness to its parched landscape.
"If one small kiss summons a full-on pea souper imagine what fully penetrative gay intercourse could do."
He added: "A lot of people think God dislikes homosexuals, but if that's so why did he give us supernatural powers?
"Apparently he destroyed Sodom by sending loads of fire and brimstone, but those things are very useful in the right amounts.
"If Sodom's level of gay sex had been just a fraction lower it would've been kept snugly warm. The moral is that God's fine with moderate amounts of gay sex."
Homosexuals are being welcomed in drought-prone regions, with Australia's Irri-GAY-Tion chain of honeymoon hotels in the Outback paying couples $2,500 a night.
And in Africa, gay marriages are the new craze among farmers keen to provide for their families.
Ethiopian Abdu Gobena said: "They say homosexuality is an abomination in God's sight, but on the other hand walking seven miles a day for drinking water sucks pretty hard too."
THAT not-voting thing has worked out brilliantly, Britain has told Russell Brand.
33-year old Wayne Hayes said: "I really stuck it to The Man by staying at home on Thursday, even if it does look an awful lot like The Man ended up succeeding beyond his wildest imaginings."
As two-thirds of the electorate decided not to bother in the European election, the UK will now be represented in Brussels by MEPs who won't bother voting either.
The long-term plan is for all political decisions to be made in a Mayfair drinking club without the costly and time-consuming exercise of pretending to care less what the public thinks.
Jester/prophet/lothario/voice of cinema rabbit Russell Brand said: "Cor, it's a proper xenophobey-wobey paradigm shift toward the far righty-wight malarkey, innit?
"How very un-perspicacious of me 'umble self to not divine how this whole politics imbroglio might have unfolded."
THE twisted troglodytes who inhabit London have been forced to expose themselves to daylight.
The near-blind, cannibalistic subhumans, who usually live their short brutish lives in either tunnels or offices, are now groping their way through the capital's streets.
Nathan Muir, whose slimy green-white skin began to smoke and blossom into flame when touched by the sun, said: "The yellow eye in the heavens judges me.
"It burns me for my ugliness, because I defied the Lore by exposing my flesh to the Roofless World."
The stunted goblins are trained from birth never to make eye contact with one another and use their holy text The Met Roe to hide their faces.
Their subterranean world is paralysed by a vicious war between the Riders and the Drivers begun by the Drivers' megalomaniac leader, Crow.
Anthropologist Dr Helen Fisher said: "Crow demands an increase in tithe for the Drivers, insane idiot savants who spend their whole lives shackled to the controls of vast mechanical worms.
"Life is unimaginably awful down in the tunnels. There is a form of crude poetry inscribed on the walls, but it's not anything a normal human could enjoy."
The general public has been warned against mentioning the wristbands to their wearers, who are constantly ready with monologues that are ostensibly about music and drugs but really just about how amazing they are.
A police spokesman said: "'Banders' will pretend to have forgotten to remove their festival passes because they are free spirits who live in the moment and are too spontaneous to own a pair of scissors.
"Clearly this is bullshit. They're itching to tell you about some beautiful experience in the healing field that changed them in ways you, a hapless slave of the system, can barely begin to comprehend.
"They deserve to be hit with a stick."
28-year-old bander Tom Logan said: "Oh, this Glastonbury 2014 VIP Access All Areas wristband in limited edition cerise? I forgot I even had it on.
"But since you ask I had the most beautiful Glasto experience where I took some acid, thought it hadn't worked then woke up in my yurt at 6am tripping my tits off.
"I walked up a hill where there was a robot sculpture made of old cars and sat watching the clouds. But they weren't normal clouds, they were deep clouds.
"Then a girl wearing fairy wings gave me some of her Orangina and we went to see some bands."
The police spokesman said: "Also be wary of people wearing a 'festival crew' t-shirt in the pub or anyone driving a van that has a 'Crew Parking Shambala 2009′ sticker on the windscreen.
"It's probable they will be fake hippies, but genuine dickheads."
BRITISH oxygen molecules that drift into an independent Scotland must be sent back immediately, it has been claimed.
The leaders of the three main political parties warned that an independent Scotland would have no automatic right to use Britain's sovereign gases.
Prime minister, David Cameron, said: "If the Scottish Nationalists think there is going to be a free flow of gases back and forth across the border then it's obvious they know very little about the nature of gas.
"Gases like to stay put. In much the same way as water."
Nick Clegg, the self-styled 'deputy prime minister', said: "I would prefer to breathe Franco-German oxygen. I also think that Scottish people should breathe Franco-German oxygen, I just don't think they should be allowed to breathe British oxygen if they're not British anymore.
"So, anyway, that's what I think."
Meanwhile, Labour's Ed Miliband warned: "We'll know if you've breathed our oxygen because, when we get it back, it won't be oxygen anymore. It'll be carbon dioxide.
"I used to be the energy minister, so I'm basically a scientist."
Bill McKay, from Edinburgh, said: "Oh well, that's that. You can't just 'make' oxygen. Or maybe you can.
"I've really no idea."
WELL-GROOMED young women who do not take drugs are pretending to be excited about attending Glastonbury Festival.
The conventional, upbeat women are focusing on the practicalities of the weekend, like whether to bring an inflatable pillow, to avoid considering the hellish reality of survival in a massive ditch full of caners.
Sixth-former Nikki Hollis said: "Apart from living like an animal and hating all the acts, this is going to be the best weekend of my life.
"It's great that my boyfriend Tom is insisting we see Metallica, who he's suddenly got into, because seeing them live will probably overcome my previous intense dislike of thrash metal.
"Obviously everyone else will be talking disjointed drug shit while I sit and watch, but I don't mind. I'll just think about my nice clean duvet and food that hasn't been made by dirty hippies in a van."
However others are struggling to maintain their enthusiasm for seeing Dolly Parton in an ironic way while simultaneously faced with chemical toilets full of hundreds of clearly visible turds.
Durham University student Joanna Kramer said: "My friend Charlotte said she wouldn't mind not washing her hair for a few days, which was clearly a lie because she owns a bottle of conditioner that cost £95.
"I wanted to tell her that none of us wanted to go to Glastonbury, but then it would have looked as though I didn't want to go to Glastonbury. It's a conspiracy of silence."
A 42-YEAR-OLD male was chased by other middle-aged men after attending a barbecue wearing a shirt that was not from Superdry.
Father-of-one Tom Logan opted to wear a plain button-down shirt instead of a garment bearing the Superdry logo with Japanese characters spelling out the words 'increasing girth'.
Logan said: "Just because I'm slightly past my prime doesn't mean I have to wear quasi-youthful clothes with writing on, even if everyone else does.
"I underestimated the fury it would provoke."
Logan's work colleague Roy Hobbs said: "At first I was ok with it, although his shirt seemed kind of strange and old-fashioned.
"But as the afternoon wore on I became increasingly angry. Does he not like Superdry or something? Does he think he's too good for Britain's top casualwear brand?"
"Maybe I'd have been ok with it if he'd worn a shirt or jumper from Fat Face, White Stuff or O'Neill. But he had to go the attention-seeking 'plain shirt' route."
Onlookers describe the mood towards Logan growing increasingly hostile, until a burger was thrown at his back.
Hobbs said: "That was the trigger for the primal rage. The other, normal, Superdry dads started hooting and lobbing things, first sausages and baps but then large stones.
"We chased him onto the roof of the garage with a vague idea of dragging him down then burning him on the barbecue.
"But then our wives got angry and we had to stop."
WALES is not there anymore.
After a brutal night of hefty winds, Britain woke up to discover that its western chunk had been sheered off and was now tossing in the north Atlantic, 150 miles off the coast of Iceland.
People in Herefordshire were first to realise the principality had been removed when they awoke to find themselves living on the coast.
Martin Bishop, from the village of Clifford, said: "At first I thought my house had been picked up and dumped next to the sea, like some sort of 'Wizard of Oz' fantasy that I'm always having.
"I said to my dog, 'we're not in Herefordshire anymore, Toto', but then I realised that Wales wasn't there.
Bishop's neighbour, Margaret Gerving, said: "It seems very traumatic at the moment, but it's for the best."
Jane Thompson, from Shrewsbury, added: "The A458 is now a road to nowhere. Sorry, the A458 is still a road to nowhere."
Meanwhile, the government said it was studying a range of options on what to do about Wales and would announce a decision sometime next year.
NEW Irish employee Kyla Burns has surprised her colleagues by revealing there are no hidden letters in her name.
Staff at London-based accountants Madeley-Finnegan greeted her warmly, but became visibly nervous when the time came to add her name to the tea and coffee rota.
Colleague Nathan Muir said: "She seemed nice and very genuine, but we got burned last month when Aisling Kelley visited from the Dublin office.
"I'm not accusing every Irish person of smuggling a few extra letters in their name, but that's exactly how they get away with it.
"So you can imagine our relief when Kyla spelled her name and every single letter could be accounted for – like a proper name.
"After that she really bonded with the rest of the team, apart from being a little offended with our incorrect use of the word 'crack'."
Meanwhile, a name badge reading 'Kaieyloagh Ní Byrnes' was thrown in the bin moments before Kyla was taken on a tour of the office.
Irish names have been a constant source of irritation to the English since the 19th century, when many Irish families started hoarding extra letters in case of a shortage.