BETROTHED homosexuals are to use their magical flood-creating powers to bring new life to desert regions.
Gay people in civil partnerships, who have been granted the power to summon rainstorms from the heavens by God and UKIP, plan to use it benevolently.
Nathan Muir, who saw storm clouds forming as he kissed his husband on their wedding day, said: "We're honeymooning in Sub-Saharan Africa so that we can bring the waters of gayness to its parched landscape.
"If one small kiss summons a full-on pea souper imagine what fully penetrative gay intercourse could do."
He added: "A lot of people think God dislikes homosexuals, but if that's so why did he give us supernatural powers?
"Apparently he destroyed Sodom by sending loads of fire and brimstone, but those things are very useful in the right amounts.
"If Sodom's level of gay sex had been just a fraction lower it would've been kept snugly warm. The moral is that God's fine with moderate amounts of gay sex."
Homosexuals are being welcomed in drought-prone regions, with Australia's Irri-GAY-Tion chain of honeymoon hotels in the Outback paying couples $2,500 a night.
And in Africa, gay marriages are the new craze among farmers keen to provide for their families.
Ethiopian Abdu Gobena said: "They say homosexuality is an abomination in God's sight, but on the other hand walking seven miles a day for drinking water sucks pretty hard too."
The general public has been warned against mentioning the wristbands to their wearers, who are constantly ready with monologues that are ostensibly about music and drugs but really just about how amazing they are.
A police spokesman said: "'Banders' will pretend to have forgotten to remove their festival passes because they are free spirits who live in the moment and are too spontaneous to own a pair of scissors.
"Clearly this is bullshit. They're itching to tell you about some beautiful experience in the healing field that changed them in ways you, a hapless slave of the system, can barely begin to comprehend.
"They deserve to be hit with a stick."
28-year-old bander Tom Logan said: "Oh, this Glastonbury 2014 VIP Access All Areas wristband in limited edition cerise? I forgot I even had it on.
"But since you ask I had the most beautiful Glasto experience where I took some acid, thought it hadn't worked then woke up in my yurt at 6am tripping my tits off.
"I walked up a hill where there was a robot sculpture made of old cars and sat watching the clouds. But they weren't normal clouds, they were deep clouds.
"Then a girl wearing fairy wings gave me some of her Orangina and we went to see some bands."
The police spokesman said: "Also be wary of people wearing a 'festival crew' t-shirt in the pub or anyone driving a van that has a 'Crew Parking Shambala 2009′ sticker on the windscreen.
"It's probable they will be fake hippies, but genuine dickheads."
BRITISH oxygen molecules that drift into an independent Scotland must be sent back immediately, it has been claimed.
The leaders of the three main political parties warned that an independent Scotland would have no automatic right to use Britain's sovereign gases.
Prime minister, David Cameron, said: "If the Scottish Nationalists think there is going to be a free flow of gases back and forth across the border then it's obvious they know very little about the nature of gas.
"Gases like to stay put. In much the same way as water."
Nick Clegg, the self-styled 'deputy prime minister', said: "I would prefer to breathe Franco-German oxygen. I also think that Scottish people should breathe Franco-German oxygen, I just don't think they should be allowed to breathe British oxygen if they're not British anymore.
"So, anyway, that's what I think."
Meanwhile, Labour's Ed Miliband warned: "We'll know if you've breathed our oxygen because, when we get it back, it won't be oxygen anymore. It'll be carbon dioxide.
"I used to be the energy minister, so I'm basically a scientist."
Bill McKay, from Edinburgh, said: "Oh well, that's that. You can't just 'make' oxygen. Or maybe you can.
WELL-GROOMED young women who do not take drugs are pretending to be excited about attending Glastonbury Festival.
The conventional, upbeat women are focusing on the practicalities of the weekend, like whether to bring an inflatable pillow, to avoid considering the hellish reality of survival in a massive ditch full of caners.
Sixth-former Nikki Hollis said: "Apart from living like an animal and hating all the acts, this is going to be the best weekend of my life.
"It's great that my boyfriend Tom is insisting we see Metallica, who he's suddenly got into, because seeing them live will probably overcome my previous intense dislike of thrash metal.
"Obviously everyone else will be talking disjointed drug shit while I sit and watch, but I don't mind. I'll just think about my nice clean duvet and food that hasn't been made by dirty hippies in a van."
However others are struggling to maintain their enthusiasm for seeing Dolly Parton in an ironic way while simultaneously faced with chemical toilets full of hundreds of clearly visible turds.
Durham University student Joanna Kramer said: "My friend Charlotte said she wouldn't mind not washing her hair for a few days, which was clearly a lie because she owns a bottle of conditioner that cost £95.
"I wanted to tell her that none of us wanted to go to Glastonbury, but then it would have looked as though I didn't want to go to Glastonbury. It's a conspiracy of silence."