Here's Everything That Happened In Another Week Of Brexit Chaos
In which a Tory MP votes to remain, becomes a Brexiteer, votes against the deal, votes for the deal, suggests he doesn't back the deal, and then votes for it again.
Hello. How mad has Brexit driven you? This mad?
Or as mad as a room full of Tory MPs frantically banging on a table as the Prime Minister sort of says she's resigning, as long as she gets a Brexit deal through parliament that no one likes and which she might not even be able to put to a vote?
Anyway, that's what happened on Wednesday.
Surely there can be no sacrifice more noble than one that makes Boris Johnson say a deal he's spent weeks describing as, among other things, "slavery" and a "suicide vest" (in a column for which the Telegraph pays him £275,000 a year) is something he now supports.
He wasn't the only one, of course.
May's sort-of resignation caused a lot of Tories who had previously been opposed, to back her deal. Some had leadership ambitions...
...some believed that Johnson – a man now disliked by half his party at best and, at worst, utterly despised – could somehow unite the country and lead us to a glorious future relationship with the EU...
...and others were just desperate for anyone else to be in charge of this chaos.
Oh, the tangled webs we weave.
Down they fell, one by one, until it became clear that there was just one problem...
...May's deal still wasn't likely to pass. Because this was all happening too late. About two years too late, to be precise.
And what of the hardy few Brexiteers who decided to hold out? Would they react to these developments in a calm and dignified manner?
Or would they embarrass themselves?
No one could say.
It's hard to believe, but there was worse news to come. The DUP, which May was relying on in order to get her deal through the Commons, announced that despite May's noble sacrifice, it still wouldn't be backing it.
If you're looking for a cinematic analogy at this stage, imagine the scene in The Dark Knight Rises when Selina Kyle says: "You don't owe these people any more. You've given them everything," and in response Batman heroically rasps, "Not everything. Not yet," except instead of then striding off to a hair-raising final battle, he walks into the road and gets ploughed down by a clown car that's on fire, and the theme from Curb Your Enthusiasm starts playing.
But there was light at the end of the tunnel! Earlier in the week, Parliament had effectively seized control of the Brexit process and decided to hold a series of “indicative” votes on different outcomes, including staying in a customs union, a second referendum, leaving with no deal, and so on.
Surely with every option laid out before them, they could at least settle on one?
Every single option was rejected. Now, some among us would say it wasn't a total disaster...
... since a couple of options showed themselves to have commanded a little more support than was perhaps suspected...
...and some others were ruled out.
But frankly, that's a somewhat optimistic reading of events.
The only people who could take any solace in the results, for now, were the hard Brexiteers.
The situation was by now so bad for May that a peer who two years ago had described her as "a... very special and unusual person of profound humanity," didn't even want to be called her friend on national television.
You might find it nauseating at a time of national crisis, but with May's goose cooked, the leadership manoeuvring began within nanoseconds.
The problem is, Brexit has left everyone with blood on their hands.
Who will be running? And how hilarious will it look when they do?
Often, the hints as to who could be interested in the role are overwhelmingly subtle.
One thing's for sure: It's going to be very hard to find a unity candidate.
We should probably check in on what was happening with Labour while all this was going on.
On second thoughts, maybe not. Back to May. She had to press on.
There was one final roll of the dice. She could bring her deal back for another vote (well, technically bring back half her deal, since the speaker had told her she couldn't bring the full thing back).
You might think this was a pointless endeavour, and if so you'd be on the same page as the cabinet minister in this honestly quite breathtaking Newsnight video.
All this on the day Brexit was originally supposed to happen. I swear to God, I am not making this up.
And so it came to pass, that with thousands of pro-Brexit protesters in Parliament Square – and depressingly, some well-known far-right characters and scenes of journalists being assaulted – the deal was rejected once more, by a majority of 58. Where do we go from here?
Well, we know that Britain has until April 12 to come up with a plan before it crashes out without a deal. According to the EU, that really boils down to one of two options: no-deal, or a longer extension to the Brexit process.
First, the indicative votes come back on Monday. It's possible, now MPs know the lay of the land, a majority for something could be achieved, most likely May's deal plus a customs union. That might be an option, but would necessitate a long delay, and Britain will have to participate in the European elections in May.
Meanwhile, May is planning to bring her Brexit deal back for another vote in Parliament next week and is considering calling a general election if it can't secure a majority. She would – we assume – resign in order for this to happen
We know that most MPs (and indeed the EU) are opposed to no-deal, so that option is perhaps the least likely. But it is also the default.