Here's Everything That Happened In Another Week Of Brexit Chaos

    In which a Tory MP votes to remain, becomes a Brexiteer, votes against the deal, votes for the deal, suggests he doesn't back the deal, and then votes for it again.

    Hello. How mad has Brexit driven you? This mad?

    I'm now so obsessed with Bercow saying "Mr Peter Bone" that I've spent a period of time setting it to the opening of Beethoven's 5th. Brexit is literally driving me mad.

    This mad?

    "He voted to remain, then became a Brexiteer, then voted against the deal, then voted for the deal, then said he’d struggle to back the deal again, but now says he will back the deal." Watch the full exchange as @krishgm challenges Conservative MP Ben Bradley on Brexit.

    Or as mad as a room full of Tory MPs frantically banging on a table as the Prime Minister sort of says she's resigning, as long as she gets a Brexit deal through parliament that no one likes and which she might not even be able to put to a vote?

    the british political system, ladies and gentlemen

    Anyway, that's what happened on Wednesday.

    Surely there can be no sacrifice more noble than one that makes Boris Johnson say a deal he's spent weeks describing as, among other things, "slavery" and a "suicide vest" (in a column for which the Telegraph pays him £275,000 a year) is something he now supports.

    Theresa May says she’ll stand down once Brexit is completed, giving her another 30 years in Downing Street

    He wasn't the only one, of course.

    Essentially Boris is saying initially he voted for one thing and now he will vote a different way now he fully knows the implications. *looks to camera*

    May's sort-of resignation caused a lot of Tories who had previously been opposed, to back her deal. Some had leadership ambitions...

    On the march for no deal today, it's deal supporter @EstherMcVey1 🤷‍♂️

    ...some believed that Johnson – a man now disliked by half his party at best and, at worst, utterly despised – could somehow unite the country and lead us to a glorious future relationship with the EU...

    The deal is dead but he says it's fit for work

    ...and others were just desperate for anyone else to be in charge of this chaos.

    People who said a second referendum would damage public trust in politics are now signing up to something they think will turn the UK into a slave state because it might get rid of a political rival.

    Oh, the tangled webs we weave.

    Dominic Raab is voting for the deal he negotiated then resigned in order to oppose

    Down they fell, one by one, until it became clear that there was just one problem...

    ...May's deal still wasn't likely to pass. Because this was all happening too late. About two years too late, to be precise.

    Theresa May: I'll step down if my deal passes

    And what of the hardy few Brexiteers who decided to hold out? Would they react to these developments in a calm and dignified manner?

    Steve Baker told the ERG tonight: “I could tear this place down and bulldoze it into the river. These fools and knaves and cowards are voting on things they don’t even understand.” “I may yet resign the whip than be part of this.” I don’t think he’s changing his mind.

    Or would they embarrass themselves?

    Spartans. That's the name the remaining ERG holdouts against May's deal have given themselves. Just double checking what happened at the battle of Thermopylae, to see if the result has changed since 480 BC.

    No one could say.

    What Steve Baker thought his ERG speech made him look like vs what Steve Baker’s ERG speech actually made him look like

    It's hard to believe, but there was worse news to come. The DUP, which May was relying on in order to get her deal through the Commons, announced that despite May's noble sacrifice, it still wouldn't be backing it.

    “Arlene. Before I give you this money, are you *sure* you know what a bribe is?” “Yes” “Because a billion pounds is a lot of money” “Yes, thank you” “So I give you this bribe, and in return you agree to do stuff we tell you” “Agreed” *stifled giggle* “What’s so funny, Arlene?”

    If you're looking for a cinematic analogy at this stage, imagine the scene in The Dark Knight Rises when Selina Kyle says: "You don't owe these people any more. You've given them everything," and in response Batman heroically rasps, "Not everything. Not yet," except instead of then striding off to a hair-raising final battle, he walks into the road and gets ploughed down by a clown car that's on fire, and the theme from Curb Your Enthusiasm starts playing.

    But there was light at the end of the tunnel! Earlier in the week, Parliament had effectively seized control of the Brexit process and decided to hold a series of “indicative” votes on different outcomes, including staying in a customs union, a second referendum, leaving with no deal, and so on.

    Surely with every option laid out before them, they could at least settle on one?


    So I *think* I am right in saying, the *only* way out of the EU is now via Theresa May’s deal. Which the Speaker isn’t going to let them vote on. I’ll swear you’ll never see anything like this ever again. So watch it. Drink it in.

    Every single option was rejected. Now, some among us would say it wasn't a total disaster...

    Theresa May must now simultaneously stay and resign

    ... since a couple of options showed themselves to have commanded a little more support than was perhaps suspected...


    ...and some others were ruled out.

    Also the prime minister did not even win enough support for her resignation. This country...

    But frankly, that's a somewhat optimistic reading of events.

    Tonight we are all @joannaccherry My sentiments exactly. #Brexit #FuckingLabour #Useless

    The only people who could take any solace in the results, for now, were the hard Brexiteers.

    Colonel K and Penfold release an urgent message, appealing for information on the whereabouts of Danger Mouse.

    The situation was by now so bad for May that a peer who two years ago had described her as "a... very special and unusual person of profound humanity," didn't even want to be called her friend on national television.

    omg this is absolutely excruciating. a British peer disputes being described as Theresa May's "personal friend" "I know her, I know her well... but personal friend..."

    You might find it nauseating at a time of national crisis, but with May's goose cooked, the leadership manoeuvring began within nanoseconds.

    It’s like Game Of Thrones but everybody is Joffrey.

    The problem is, Brexit has left everyone with blood on their hands.

    The Tories defending literally everything they have done related to Brexit

    Who will be running? And how hilarious will it look when they do?

    Often, the hints as to who could be interested in the role are overwhelmingly subtle.

    Sad that Dominic Raab cannot afford bookshelves, and is forced to place small stacks of politically relevant books either side of his head in a way that looks really inconvenient in terms of opening those blinds.

    One thing's for sure: It's going to be very hard to find a unity candidate.

    We should probably check in on what was happening with Labour while all this was going on.

    On second thoughts, maybe not. Back to May. She had to press on.

    Quite impressive that @BBCr4today have got the prime minister on, at such an important time.

    There was one final roll of the dice. She could bring her deal back for another vote (well, technically bring back half her deal, since the speaker had told her she couldn't bring the full thing back).

    Meaning Vote 3: Look Who's Meaningful Now - scheduled for tomorrow. Just in time for the Brexit Betrayal marchers to arrive in Westminster...

    You might think this was a pointless endeavour, and if so you'd be on the same page as the cabinet minister in this honestly quite breathtaking Newsnight video.

    It can’t go on like this. Surely

    All this on the day Brexit was originally supposed to happen. I swear to God, I am not making this up.

    And so it came to pass, that with thousands of pro-Brexit protesters in Parliament Square – and depressingly, some well-known far-right characters and scenes of journalists being assaulted – the deal was rejected once more, by a majority of 58. Where do we go from here?

    This handy guide to Brexit may help answer your questions

    Well, we know that Britain has until April 12 to come up with a plan before it crashes out without a deal. According to the EU, that really boils down to one of two options: no-deal, or a longer extension to the Brexit process.

    First, the indicative votes come back on Monday. It's possible, now MPs know the lay of the land, a majority for something could be achieved, most likely May's deal plus a customs union. That might be an option, but would necessitate a long delay, and Britain will have to participate in the European elections in May.

    Meanwhile, May is planning to bring her Brexit deal back for another vote in Parliament next week and is considering calling a general election if it can't secure a majority. She would – we assume – resign in order for this to happen

    Chris Grayling: "The last thing this country needs is a general election". Fuck, we're having one aren't we.

    We know that most MPs (and indeed the EU) are opposed to no-deal, so that option is perhaps the least likely. But it is also the default.

    Never mind. Everything will be fine.