Remember yesterday? Probably not.
2015 politics: ed miliband eats a sandwich a bit weirdly 2016 politics: everything is on fire
Just to remind you, there were fears over Europe, shenanigans around the Tory leadership, vicious splits in Labour, and everyone was talking about Wangland, which was to do with Brexit but could equally have been about Michael Gove's crotch.
It was kind of a weird time.
Well, this morning, things went – to put not too fine a point on it – absolutely fucking batshit. First, Michael Gove announced that far from supporting Boris Johnson in his leadership bid, he'd now stand against him.
Justice Secretary Michael Gove to stand for Conservative Party leadership and UK PM, BBC understands https://t.co/EcnAA9u7ji
Which as you can imagine went down very well indeed.
A text arrives from a senior Team Boris figure: "Gove is a c*** who set this up form start". This is going to be bloody.
The mere mention of Gove meant people started watching this Vine again and many are still mesmerised even now. Pray for them.
On reflection, Ed Miliband really didn't look all that weird eating that bacon sandwich:
That Vine of Gove clapping, though. Looks like he's being operated by 6 pissed Jim Henson Workshop trainees.
The air was thick with betrayal.
BREAKING: Lord Petyr Baelish - "I have reluctantly concluded that I am only one who can now unite the Tory Party"
And confusion.
Two tweets from Tory MP @NickGibbMP in less than 24 hours
Still, at least we had a potential leader who believes in himse– oh.
Here's Michael Gove saying he wouldn't be very good as PM and would write in his own blood to say he wouldn't stand https://t.co/4jNF0YPzFw
A man who commands the respect of his peers.
Think he means Gove.
We all knew Gove had damaged Boris. In fact, we had no idea how much. We'll come back to that.
Boris Johnson's week in review.
Because first, we have some urgent business to attend to in the House of Commons.
Tory MP Philip Hollobone in the House of Commons formally complaining about Lindsay Lohan's referendum night Twitter attacks on Kettering.
Thank god all this carnage wasn't affecting the smooth running of our parliamentary democracy.
It's getting weird.
Philip Hollobone insists Lindsay Lohan's tweets incorrect as "everyone knows where Kettering is" and demands she visits the town.
And that's enough of that.
Chris Grayling says Lohan has not fulfilled her career potential, in part because she hasn't visited Kettering. SERIOUSLY WHAT IS HAPPENING.
Now. Labour had been quiet.
Until this morning Labour was managing to look more shambolic than the Tories, but's evened up this morning
But this morning they decided to deliver an actual report in which their members were told to stop saying "Hitler".
Jeremy Corbyn decided to offer his views, and some people interpreted them as a comparison of Israel and ISIS.
Jewish supporters of Labour party, after Corbyn compares Israel to ISIS, during launch of report on antisemitism
He was reported to the party's compliance unit, and an activist left a Jewish Labour MP in tears.
Before we could even begin to process that, the morning took an incredible twist.
Glitzy venue for Johnson launch. Compare with May's serious library backdrop.
You see, Boris's launch turned out to be...not a launch.
Boris just set off Twitter’s ALL-CAPS filter
It's fair to say people were somewhat surprised.
The lobby's reaction as expressed by @SamCoatesTimes
That's right: The Tory who'd perhaps done more than anyone else in his party to push us into Brexit announced he wouldn't be standing for the leadership.
So Boris smashed up the whole place for nothing. For nothing.
He was accused of cowardice.
"Hey, you've left a turd in the fridge." "Reluctantly I have concluded I am not the man to remove the turd from the fridge."
That Boris Johnson leadership campaign in full
Of course, some reporters had been saying Boris had been outmanoeuvred a week ago. Others...hadn't.
Not sure Daily Express totally nailed the news today #borisjohnson
Which was odd for a guy whose PR strategy is usually on point.
Aides at Boris event covered up the emergency exit sign to foil the inevitable photo
David Cameron spotted at the back of Boris Johnson's press conference
"Greatest ever practical joker flees the scene of the crime"
And now this is where we are.
"The next Prime Minister is likely to be either Theresa May or Michael Gove"
We've not even talked about the economy today.
Post Brexit financial summary
In summary...
The writers' room for British politics is full of cocaine and competitive men shouting, "Think that's a twist? This is a fucking twist."
...I don't even think I can provide a summary.
A summary of this morning's politics: