1. You'd have a lot more food and beer without someone constantly mooching.
2. You'd get a lot more work done without the chat window flashing all the time.
3. You'd talk to more people at parties, because you wouldn't automatically retreat together to the kitchen or front porch to whine about how everyone else sucks.
4. Or maybe you just wouldn't go to parties.
5. You'd sleep better, because there would be no eager texts at the crack of dawn or in the middle of the night.
6. You'd save a lot of money on cheer-up drinks, celebration dinners, and fuck-it-let's-just-go-home-and-have-a-sleepover cab rides.
7. Although your therapy bill might skyrocket.
8. You'd be a lot more realistic.
9. You'd have to get really good at taking selfies, because there wouldn't be someone on hand to constantly take effortless-yet-attractive pictures of you staring out at the ocean and stuff.
10. One less guaranteed Like.
11. You'd get a lot more practice telling your own stories.
12. But it would be way harder to remember tiny details, like what you were wearing on the night you finally made out with your cute coworker.
13. Which means hey, lie as much as you want with no fact-checking!
14. You could go about your bad habits in peace, like biting your nails or texting your cute coworker.
15. Your clothes, books, and Tupperware would all magically stay right where they belong.
16. Although your own wardrobe, library, and general catalog of possessions would mysteriously halve.
17. You'd have to get comfortable bragging about yourself with no one there to do it for you.
18. You'd have to feel all your feelings on your own, rather than outsourcing them to someone who, oddly, is more capable of loathing your enemies and crying your tears than sometimes even you are.