1. No matter how clean you thought you were, you’ll unearth more dirt, mold, and dust than any one human could have possibly produced.
Don’t mind me, just digging graves beneath my bed.
3. Cardboard boxes all of a sudden become as rare and valuable as diamonds.
Resulting in you stalking your local liquor store for a month before the big day.
5. You’ll discover that you own roughly 30 mateless socks.
6. Also: 57 spoons and not a knife as far as the eye can see.
7. AND SO MANY CHARGERS TO NOTHING.
OK, the jig is up, you are mos def a secret hoarder.
10. If you’re moving with a partner, both of your true colors will undoubtedly emerge.
“WHADDYA MEAN, ‘FUCK THE COUCH?!’ THAT COUCH HAS TREATED ME WAY BETTER THAN YOU EVER HAVE.”
11. You start to construct elaborate fantasyscapes in your head, planning every detail of your impeccable new dream home.
15. You’ll learn who your true friends are.
Or at least, which of your friends are broke enough to lug boxes in exchange for a lukewarm six-pack.
16. You’ll also learn exactly what you’re willing to pay for peace of mind.
“I WILL GIVE YOU MY ENTIRE PAYCHECK IF YOU CAN GET THAT DRESSER DOWN FIVE FLIGHTS OF STAIRS.”
19. And then all of a sudden, you’re home.
Sure, there’s unpacking to do and bills to pay and all kinds of attendant headaches, but you’re finally there, and it’s yours.
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