1. The ability to go into stealth unclickable mode on Twitter and Instagram, so there’s no chance of accidentally faving someone you’re stalking and shouldn’t be.
2. When stalking someone on Facebook, the ability to press a button titled “Just show me the pictures that you actually appear in so I don’t have to go through all the 300 photos of your 2011 vacation album.” (Or, you know, something.)
3. A Twitter feed that shows you every subtweet about yourself, no matter how subtle.
4. For Spotify to automatically default to Private whenever you’re listening to something ~ embarrassing ~.
5. A Twitter program that sends an email to the address in the Twitter profile of the user every time they smugly tweet that they’ve reached “inbox zero.”
6. A Pinterest extension that when you pin a recipe just gives you the damn food.
7. A Twitter account that automatically gives you at least one RT and fav for every tweet, no matter what (but doesn’t tell you it’s fake so your ego can stay intact).
8. Eleven automatic likes on Instagram for every photo you REALLY care about, so you don’t have to wait for the number to roll over.
9. A Facebook app that sends your friends an anonymous message when they are doing something embarrassing (like feeding the trolls they went to high school with).
10. A Shazam–type app that tells you the names of humans so you don’t have to feel embarrassed when you run into acquaintances.
11. A TV spoiler filter for Twitter.
12. A LinkedIn filter that gets rid of everything except awesome job offers.
13. The ability to fav a really funny Twitter bio, and to search them.
14. EMAIL FAVING.
15. Ability to differentiate between RTs that are endorsements and those that are not.
16. Built-in anonymous focus group testing for tweets where it tries them out on strangers before you tweet them, and then you can edit as needed.
17. An Instagram account that lets you somehow punish people for using dumb hashtags like #nofilter, #lovemylife, #magichour, #instagood, etc. Not filter them out, PUNISH.
18. A Twitter app that curtails the output of people who tweet way too much, by simply not posting roughly 50% of their tweets. (The tweets will still show up on their timelines, though, so they won’t know what’s going on.)
19. Honest LinkedIn endorsements (so when it says “Dan has endorsed Rob for public policy skills,” a window pops up that says “Dan hasn’t spoken to Rob since they were in the third grade.”)
20. A third swipe direction for Tinder that indicates weary ambivalence that might grow into love following a series of adorably quirky encounters.
21. Automatic Facebook status decryption. For example:
Status: “I love my boo so much, everything is great!”
Translation: “I’m hanging on by a thread here, people.”
22. Feature for Secret/Whisper where one single time in your life you’re allowed to press a button and find out exactly who said a given secret.
23. A feature on Instagram that tells you exactly where an impossibly stylish person got his or her cool clothes/shoes/makeup/life.
24. Facebook, but without any people on it.
25. Google+, but with people on it.
26. A filter on Tinder that identifies who the actual person is in a group picture. (And links to the profile of their way hotter friend.)
27. The ability to weed out Facebook photos you’ve already seen on Instagram, and vice versa. (COOL BABY, OH WAIT IT’S SO BORING.)
28. A wink mechanism added to your fav/like so your crush knows it was sexy social engagement.
29. An Instagram filter that makes you slightly more attractive than everyone else in the picture.
30. An extension that hides all engagement photos, sports updates, the aforementioned ubiquitous baby, or anything else you don’t want cluttering your journey through this hellscape we call the internet.
Oh wait, that already exists, and it’s literal magic.
- The World Health Organization says there is "no public health justification" for postponing or moving the Rio Olympics because of Zika virus.
- Never mind the $10 million: Donald Trump now says he won't debate "second place finisher" Bernie Sanders.
- The loneliest elephant in the world has died after spending 67 of her 69 years in captivity at a Tokyo zoo.