1. This sleep mask. etsy.com Sweet dreams are made of [this thing that you can and should own]. 2. This piece of embroidery. etsy.com Inspired by the deep and abiding genius of our very own Jen Lewis. Get it here or just give the seller your money and send it to the BuzzFeed office, plz & thx. 3. This baby onesie. cafepress.com Never too early to start. 4. This delightful card. etsy.com Get it here. 5. This shirt. etsy.com Use it to express your emotions. 6. This Mona Lisa-mashup iPhone case. etsy.com Get it here. 7. This "Mrs. Nicolas Cage" bag. etsy.com It's legally binding. 8. This depiction of Nicolas Cage as Krampus. etsy.com Be very very good, boys and girls. 9. This pillow. etsy.com Rest your weary head. 10. This ring. etsy.com V. good for proposals of matrimony. 11. This break-resistant wine glass. etsy.com Available here. 12. This Satanic t-shirt. etsy.com WORSHIP. 13. And this holy one. etsy.com Get it here. 14. This resin face mask. hauntedstudios.com From the description: "Choose White, Antique Gold, or Silver finish to match your collection or compliment any decor." That's right, ANY DECOR. 15. These life-giving nail decals. etsy.com Your hands will thank you. 16. This painting of pugs*. etsy.com *Pugs that are Nicolas Cage. 17. This photograph from the 1860s of a man who the seller claims is a vampiric/undead Nicolas Cage himself and which is being sold for $250,000. etsy.com I mean I guess idk.