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66 Things My Friend Who Hates "Love Actually" Said When We Watched "Love Actually"

"That's what you get for writing your [redacted] novel on a [redacted] dock."

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1. "This is my least favorite part of the movie."

"Aude, it's the beginning. Nobody's even said anything yet."

"Just, like, all these people HUGGING."

2. "I'm just saying, the last time I watched this I screamed at my laptop. Nbd."

3. "If I have that [redacted] song stuck in my head all night I am going to [redacted] kill myself."

4. ~laughs at lobster line~

5. "God this [REDACTED] music."

6. "NO ONE CARES."

7. "Vomiting."

8. "Love is a construct."

9. "All you ACTUALLY need is food, air, and water."

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10. "There's no way all those wedding guests are so musically gifted."

11. "I don't know how we are actually supposed to have sympathy for Colin. He's sooooooo #notallmen."

12. ~re-emerges during the funeral scene, during which the rest of us are sobbing, wearing a baseball cap and rolled-up sweatpants~ "This is my holiday look."

13. "Imagine your boss saying that to you — that's nonsense! Also, hi, Snape."

14. "Your boss is not your bestie."

15. "Your employee is not your bestie."

16. "Omg stfu."

17. "Omg so mad."

18. "Omg."

19. "Oh god."

20. "Panicking."

21. "I'm sorry, did her BOSS just tell her to have sex with a CO-WORKER?"

22. "This movie is filled with reprehensible people."

23. "Colin looks like every boy I have ever glared at."

24. "YOU'RE NOT PRINCE WILLIAM."

25. "This is literally an entire plot line about the friend zone."

26. "Ew."

27. "How old is that kid [Sam] now? Is he hot? Damn, he's not hot."

28. ~in mincing faux-British accent~ "I haven't hit pub-ah-ty but I'm in lahve!!!"

29. "Dude you're like, 5. All you care about is trucks and dinosaurs."

30. "Love is a construct."

31. "Poor beautiful Karl, trapped in this movie of monsters. #FreeKarl."

32. [When the prime minister jokingly offers to kill Natalie's ex:] "What if this movie took a turn and became a slasher film but same Christmas music."

33. "That's what you get for writing your [redacted] novel on a [redacted] dock."

34. "If I wrote on a typewriter would you love me enough to confront me?"

35. "Like, what do you DO with that wedding video, beat off to it? Side question: Is her hat made of denim?"

36. "I need that hat."

37. "This guy's also, like, a master filmmaker, by the way."

38. "Stalking does not equal love, children."

39. "HE IS WEARING A TWO-TONE JACKET. IT TOOK ME THIS LONG TO REALIZE IT."

40. ~rocks out to Dido~

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41. ~again with the screeching accent~ "DADDY I'M IN LAHVE."

42. "Love is a construct."

43. "Oh god, save the children."

44. "Guys, I'm in love with Karl, do you think we have a chance?"

45. "The last time I slow-danced was when I was 13 years old and my popular friend Lindsey had too many offers so I had to dance with the ones she didn't want."

46. "Ew. Sex is gross."

47. "I don't believe in music."

48. "I resent all the messages in this movie."

49. "Ahhhhhhhh SHUT UP. Also, like, it's Snape."

50. "You're hitting on SNAPE."

51. "SNAPE."

52. ~stunned silence throughout the entire duration of the Colin-goes-to-the-bar-and-picks-up-sexy-American-girls scene~

53. "Never go to Wisconsin."

54. "Oh god, I HATE this scene [the iconic one with the cards]. You're not Bob Dylan, asshole."

55. "Also I'm upset his friend doesn't know what a terrible friend he's being."

56. "He's a sociopath. That said, 'Silent Night' is a legit good song."

57. "This part makes me... I don't know."

58. "Oh god, Sam, just go through puberty already."

59. "Dear children, there is no universe in which you will ever date Claudia Schiffer, dreams aren't real, love Aude."

60. "This is SUCH a Homeland Security violation."

61. "Whoever came up with the soundtrack should be fired from life."

62. "Every [redacted redacted] trumpet."

63. "It's always cool when a guy is saying some embarrassing shit and your whole family is standing behind him."

64. "If this wasn't a movie and it was real life everyone would have hooked up at a party or something. And the prime minister would have just quietly jerked off to Natalie."

"Aude, that is NOT real life, that is just a porn that you saw."

65. "Ugh, I hate how it comes full circle with all those people fondling each other at an airport."

66. "This movie should be banned."

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