16 Outfits You Really Shouldn’t Make Your Baby Wear

Their fate is in your hands. Please, let them keep a shred of dignity.

1. Babies should not be used to hit on people.

Especially in Comic Sans.

2. Or to make fun of others.

3. Don’t call attention to your baby’s bodily functions.

They’re BABIES; that’s what they’re SUPPOSED TO DO. (In fact, that’s what humans are supposed to do.) Bonus pro-tip: don’t use your baby to promote/ denounce Apple products. For all you know, they’ll grow up to truly value PCs.


Do you know how much your baby understands about “Star Wars?” Moving blobs.


There’s one thing your baby does understand, no matter how young: “Keep Calm” in all its forms is completely over and done.

7. Although not quite as over and done as “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

8. And…

I can’t even.

9. Don’t make fun of the fact that your baby was recently born.

Everyone was born, except for cloned sheep and amoebas and stuff. Also, re: the above shirt: EWWWWWWWW.

10. Don’t advertise the details of your baby’s conception.

That’s for accidentally revealing the night of your baby’s bar mitzvah after one too many glasses of Manischevitz.

11. Do not purchase clothes that condone under-under-underage drinking.

12. Or over-age drinking.

13. Remember: your baby is not kale, nor is it quinoa.

14. Avoid anything that smacks of incest.

15. Or partner-swapping.

These shirts, which read “Counting down the years until we can swap girls,” come in sizes as small as 3-months-old.

16. Baby perfume. Don’t do it.

“But perfume isn’t an outfit!” you cry. Good, so we agree: no perfume for your baby, even if it is peddled by Messrs Dolce and Gabbana. Remember, although right now your baby is little more than a potato that can drool, one day it will grow up and probably become an internet blogger and you don’t want to read all the mean things it will write about you.

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