We've all been there — you find what you think is the possible love your life, but as time goes on, rather than being two peas in a pod, you're actually like orange juice and toothpaste, and things just aren't working anymore.
So, when redditor u/overIorded asked the r/AskReddit community, "What went wrong with your last partner?" the responses were equal parts eye-opening and heartbreaking. From cheating, to clinginess, to simply just falling out of love, people shared the moment things headed south in their relationship and their once beloved partner became an ex.
To kick things off, just like Taylor and Joe, sometimes you simply just grow apart from what you used to be...
1. "We just broke up last weekend after being together for 13 years. We fell out of love, and our personalities had grown apart. She was a hard person. Clinical and objective. I'm softer and more emotional. We also suffered from extremely bad communication, and on top of that, our sex life deteriorated over the years. We're still young and deserve to be happy. Just not together, I guess."
2. "We had gotten together when we were 17. I ended it after 10 years together. For years, I thought I was the problem; he would constantly drag me down. He begged me to go to therapy and the psychiatrist to get my shit together, which I did. After a year of therapy, I finally realized that I wasn't the problem; we just weren't compatible anymore..."
"I kept bringing up issues to him, and he would tell me, 'That's not really a problem, just get over it.' I know I have changed a lot over the years, and I remember telling him a while back how much happier I am with the person I am today. He responded with, 'I don't like who you're turning into. I wish you were the way you used to be,' and honestly, that's probably when I should've ended it. Gave it maybe two more years after that, and eventually, I just couldn't take it anymore."
Other times, your partner forms entirely new relationships and marriages. Maybe you even have kids, but they can't stop thinking about their ex that got away...
3. "An ex of mine would tell me that I was everything she wanted in a partner. We got along with each other's families, and our parents got along, too. Everything was great, and I thought I found the person that I was going to marry. But then, she told me she was still in love with her ex and proceeded to gaslight me by telling me every bit of good chemistry that we had was in my head to justify her shitty behavior."
4. "He wasn’t over his ex. Still isn’t. No matter what we did together, how much time he spent glued to my hip, how many new restaurants and cities and countries we’ve been to…he would always find a way to link the experience back to her. After one and a half years together, we’re breaking up on Sunday; he just doesn’t know it yet. Wish me luck."
And sometimes, distance truly does not make the heart grow fonder:
5. "She lived 1,800 miles away. When we first got together, she mentioned moving back to my city 'in a few months.' I thought that meant, like, six. She thought it meant 27. Once the timeline disparity became clear, I told her I wasn't sure it was gonna work, since I need a partner I get to see in person more than once or twice a year..."
"...she said she'd be ok with it if I went out and 'got my needs met' as long as she didn't have to hear about it. But I declined. I didn't want that kind of relationship. The good news is, the very next person I dated became my wife."
6. "My last boyfriend dumped me because I got mad that he was coming to Dallas after I hadn't seen him for two months, but didn't want to see me. He was going to meet up with some friends of his he hadn't seen in a few months. I told him that was fine with me, but I felt he should make time to see me, too, since we hadn't seen each other and we were supposed to be a couple. He responded to my anger by ghosting me. That was two years ago."
Other times, you actually realize you have nothing aligned at all.
7. "We disagreed on how many women he was allowed to date. I’m very strong on monogamy and have no interest in someone (in a supposedly committed relationship) that isn’t."
8. "He wanted a big family, like, six kids, all natural. Obviously, he wouldn't be birthing them. This was very important to him while I was pretty ambivalent about kids, and the further into my adulthood I've gotten, the more I've realized I just don't want to be pregnant. I broke it off so we could both get the lives we wanted. It hurt, but it was amicable. Now, he has a wife and kids like he wanted, and I am happily partnered and childfree. It worked out for the best."
9. "I communicated how I felt about many things in the relationship. He never communicated about anything."
10. "We got to a point where we either had to get more serious or had to end, and he wasn’t ready to get more serious. ... We didn't get to the phase of really integrating each other into our existing lives — it was like our relationship lived in its own little bubble. He is also super focused on work right now, and I don't think he's in the place to give anything outside of work his full attention..."
"It was tough because I know we had a great connection but just couldn't get there at the time. I related it to buying a house. I found a house in my neighborhood that I loved (him, in this case), but it wasn't for sale. Maybe someday it'll be for sale and I'll still be looking for a house, and that house will still have what I want. But if it never goes for sale, I can't just wait around."
And of course, cheating is a pretty surefire way to turn any relationship sour, but here are a few of the most painful experiences shared:
11. "He cheated on me for all six years we were together, then accused me of cheating on him even though I wasn't allowed to leave the house. I'm also pretty sure he slept with my sister-in-law when my brother and I went to pick up dinner."
"...I'm doing better, happily remarried. Haven't spoken to him since we signed the divorce papers six years ago when I told him 'F you for trying to break me.'"
12. "She cheated on me after five years total, the last one of which we were engaged, all while I’m planning the wedding, working part-time, and going to graduate school so I can support us comfortably in the future. I planned on giving her everything I could and sharing the rest of my life with her, and apparently, she didn’t care."
13. "Seven years of putting me down, telling me I should be glad he deals with me because I'm useless and nobody wants me. And I believed him. Then, he cheated on me. And I was glad because that was finally reason enough to allow myself to leave."
And between clinginess, controlling behaviors, and sabotage, sometimes there are just too many red flags to continue on.
14. "She was obsessive and incredibly clingy, but that wasn't ultimately the problem. It just exacerbated it. At the heart of it, she treated me like an accessory. Someone who could take her places and do things with or for her, someone she could show off to friends and family, someone to 'do relationship things with.' She wanted me around because having a boyfriend validated her. It just didn't matter that it was me, she just needed someone who put up with her..."
"...Anyway, when I broke up with her, she kind of lost her shit. I ended up cutting all contact, but of all things, her MOTHER found me on social media and kept trying to come up with new ways to contact me to ask me to give her daughter another chance, which is ALL KINDS OF WEIRD. This went on for YEARS. Fortunately, I've been in a much healthier and happier relationship with a wonderful girl for about three years now. We're moving in together in a month, and we couldn't be happier!"
15. "She hated that I had a healthy relationship with my family. And was trying to find ways to sabotage it."
16. "She was mentally, verbally, and emotionally abusive. Narcissistic, manipulative. We were married for 13 years. We got kicked out of our apartment, and she moved 1,200 miles away to stay with her parents while I was homeless. We agreed to see other people (her idea), and the first guy she dated got her hooked on meth. She stole from her parents and extorted me for money in order to fuel her habit. I got a restraining order and eventually a divorce."
"...When I went to the hearing for the first restraining order, I took 20+ pages of printed text conversations I'd had with her. The judge skimmed through it and said, 'This is abuse.' Hearing those words, from a woman and a person in a position of power, really hit home with me. I'd accepted my estranged wife's behavior as normal, at least for her, and assumed that was just how life would be."
And sometimes, despite all the confusing "it's me, not you" conversations, we actually ARE the problem:
17. "I started drinking again and became a miserable asshole due to my own depression and my shitty job. She didn't get the attention she deserved, and had to put up with my bad mood all the time...so she left. I don't blame her. So, it was me..."
"...I don't know if I trust myself with a relationship again, but aside from the shame of knowing I hurt someone who I loved, and loved me back. But I was too self-absorbed and selfish. I am trying to be a better human to everyone. And to my ex: You'll find someone again...someone better."
18. "My attachment triggers were too much for her. She never told me I was hurting her feelings, thinking that I should know. I didn't know. Our last conversation was very insightful, and I became aware of my toxic behavior. We talked about what we did right, and what we did wrong. I am deeply hurt losing her, but maybe this is what I needed in order to finally seek help. I'm starting therapy in two weeks for the very first time, with the goal of fixing my disorganized attachment."
Props to these guys for recognizing their problems and working through them!
We can all learn a thing or two about relationship mistakes, so tell me, what went wrong with your ex? Let me know in the comments below!
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.