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19 Super Bitchy Holiday Gifts For All Sorts Of Bitches You Know

'Tis the season to be passive-aggressive.

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2. That Bitch Who Keeps Bitching About Her Husband

Ashley Madison / Via

Buy that a bitch a subscription to Ashley Madison, the premiere online destination for extra-marital affairs, and maybe she'll stop bitching about how Dan waits to speak rather than truly listen.


3. That Engaged Bitch Who Won't Stop Showing Off Her Ring

Warner Brothers Entertainment / Via

Let that bitch know how happy you are that she is inadvertently perpetuating conflict in Sierra Leone with that shiny bauble with Blood Diamond on Blu-ray.

4. That Bitch Who Tells You How Many Calories Are In Everything You Eat, Even Though You Didn't Ask

CandyWarehouse / Via

A bulk order of Japanese candy that the bitch can't read the nutritional information on is a thoughtful way of saying, "Try logging that into MyFitnessPal, bitch!" this holiday season.

5. That Bitch That Doesn't Order Anything When You Go Out But Tries a Bite Of What Everyone Else Is Having and Then Doesn't Contribute to the Check

7. That Hippie Bitch Who Keeps Saying Your Hormonal Birth Control Is Dangerous

First Response / Via

This is a gold-digital two-pack for that bitch who uses the shape and color of the moon to figure out when she can have sex. Save that bitch a trip to the pharmacy this holiday season and enjoy your pills.


8. That Bitch Who Insists She Is Just "One of the Guys!" / Via

If that bitch likes hanging out with dudes so much, get her a bunch of NFL tickets so she and her bros can have totally awesome dude fun while you and your bitches who love bitches binge-watch Netflix and drink girly cocktails.

9. That Bitch Who's Trying to Sex Your Man

Amazon / Via

Make a sex tape with your man, looking into the camera frequently making your best "Bitch, you jealous?" face. Send it to the bitch.

10. That Bitch Who Never Includes Tip When She Gives Her Share for Brunch

Justice / Via

If that bitch can't get out her phone to calculate 20% gratuity, she can wear a nice reminder on her wrist with this snazzy calculator watch. It is appropriately made by a brand called "Justice" which there will be more of in the world once this bitch starts tipping.

11. That Bitch Who Is Just Convinced That Everyone Is Always Talking About Her

Mallory & Sons / Via

Instead of letting her passive-aggressively start conversations about how everyone probably hates her, let this comfortable unisex T-shirt cut right to the chase for this paranoid bitch.

12. That Bitch Who Says Vaccines Give Babies Autism

AAAS / Via

A subscription to Science magazine will give that bitch instant access to their entire archive since 1880, where she won't find a single credible piece of evidence linking autism to vaccines.


13. That Bitch Who Is Always Like, "Oh I Am Such a Nerd!" About Things That Are Not Nerdy At All

Stark060 / Via

Revel in that bitch's bafflement when you give her these Schrödinger Equation earrings and she puts them on in the wrong order.

14. That Bitch Who Won't Stop Talking About Her Baby

Serpent's Tail Classics / Via

It never hurts to subtly remind a bitch that their darling moppets might become sociopathic murderers with page-turners/life-ruiners like We Need to Talk About Kevin.

15. That Bitch Who Always Says, "People Think I'm An Extrovert But Really I'm An Introvert!" When She Is Totally An Extrovert

Eastern Point Retreat House / Via

Since a favorite pastime of introverted bitches is not talking, buy that bitch a week-long silent retreat at Eastern Point Retreat House in Gloucester, MA. No talking, just reflection with your own thoughts among Jesuits and nature, bitch.

16. That Bitch From Your Hometown Who Puts Her Daughters in Pageants

Warner Brothers Entertainment / Via

You know that bitch won't watch a movie in black and white so don't bother getting her the DVD of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?, the cautionary tale against child performers. Just get her this terrifying movie poster (in Spanish, for added drama) that shows what fate has in store for pageant kids.

17. That Cynical Bitch Who Thinks She Is Too Cool For Everything

Alfred Music / Via

There is no bitch that can deny that the world is a magical place when they encounter the sentimental dream team of Celine Dion and Ann Geddes. Buy Miracle: A Celebration of New Life in paperback, hardcover, and album versions to make sure she doesn't miss any of this saccharine masterpiece.

18. That Bitch Who Always Asks When You and Your Significant Other Are Going to Have a Kid

The Voluntary Human Extinction Project / Via

Pick up some bumper stickers from the Voluntary Human Extinction Project so that bitch will realize that your aversion to breeding is not just Millennial stalling, it goes mad deep.

19. The Baddest Bitch, L'il Kim

Chelsea Lauren / Getty Images

HA! Bitch, you don't know L'il Kim. And you probably couldn't afford anything that queen bitch wants even if you did. NEXT!


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