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84 Thoughts You Have When Sending The First Sext

Choosing erotic emojis is just the beginning.

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1. Wow, sure was great having sex with a person yesterday.

2. Like, another person.

3. Not that I was having sex with animals or something, was just riding solo.

4. Which is fine, Jason Derulo said so.

5. But still, sex with a new piece is the best.

6. I really wish I was having sex with him right now.

7. But I'm at the office. Thanks, capitalism.

8. He does work a few blocks away.

9. But I can't risk another talking-to from Human Resources about appropriate use of the conference rooms.

10. I know! I'll send a sext!

11. God, "sext" is such a dumb word.

12. Good thing you don't have to say "sext" while sexting.

13. Or do you?

14. Like, do I have to invite him to a sexting conversation?

15. To get consent and whatnot?

16. That's very LinkedIn.

17. "Alana would like to connect to your fuck parts in iMessage. Accept/Decline?"

18. Maybe I should just send this PG-13 butt selfie and see where it goes.

19. My ass looks great in jersey-knit gray shorts.

20. He might wonder who took the butt selfie since it's logistically impossible that I took it myself.

21. Then he might wonder if I'm some floozy that's always having my sexual conquests take pictures of my ass in the best shorts $12.99 can buy.

22. I mean, I just used the CamMe app where you set a timer for your own selfies.

23. But then he might think I'm a narcissist for needing such an app.

24. And then he'll never want to have person sex with me again.

25. Then I'll die alone.

26. Ultimately, we all die alone.

27. Maybe, "Can't stop thinking about last night" with a winkie face and the eggplant emoji is a fun, flirtatious move.

28. For this fun, flirtatious person that I so naturally am.

29. Wait, did he have an iPhone?

30. What does the eggplant emoji look like on an Android?


32. I should break things off, just in case.

33. If I was as good at sexting as I am at self-sabotage, he'd be jizzing under his desk already.

34. But I'm the world's worst sexter. I'm the world's worst EVERYTHING.

35. Breathe.

36. How about, "I can't wait for you to be inside me again."

37. That's hot, right?

38. That's totally hot.

39. The hottest.

40. Guys love it when girls say gross shit about how much they want their dicks inside them.

41. Totally.

42. This is a good sext.

43. This is a great sext.

44. I'm Queen Sext of Subtle Smut Kingdom.

45. Send!

46. Wow, what a relief.

47. That wasn't so bad.

48. Just a little sext.

49. No big deal.

50. I guess I'll check on how my stocks are performing.

51. Dad was right about Apple. It just never goes down.

52. …I wonder when he'll read the sext.

53. The guy, not my dad.

54. Oh man, if my dad ever read my sexts….

55. We've texted during the workday before, so he's definitely on his phone.

56. But he could be in a meeting.

57. Or on a lunch date.

58. With someone else he's sexing.

59. I wonder if she's skinnier than me.

60. My body is perfectly fine the way it is.

61. But are they sexting?

62. Not that it would matter. I'm a woman of the 21st century.

63. He can sex and sext with whomever he wants.

64. So can I.

65. I can have a lot more another-person sex if I want to.

66. I bet he saw the sext by now.

67. It's really rude that he hasn't responded if he has.

68. Unless it gave him a boner so substantial that he's incapacitated.

69. Fuck, what if he was walking around at work and got a boner when he read it?

70. And now the whole office is laughing at him!

71. And calling him a pervert!

72. And throwing rotten cabbages at him!

73. Because maybe he works on a soundstage where they're recreating a scene from medieval Europe!

74. I'm a monster.

75. A perverted sext monster.

76. And now I'll die alone.

77. Ultimately, we all die alone.


79. "Your making me so hot right now. Come over later?"

80. YEEESH, learn to use "you're" and "your" correctly.

81. Don't be a grammar snob early, people are teachable.

82. "Would love to."

83. "Cool, I have to go get my Nokia Lumia screen fixed after work but I'll be home by 7pm."

84. I always fall for the fucking degenerates.