1. "Drinking Diet Coke is basically like ingesting poison."
You're so right, I'll be dead in minutes. Feed my cat, don't bury me wearing white.
2. "All the caffeine in Diet Coke dehydrates you."
The only thing that doesn't dehydrate you is water and water-dense plants but I'm not casting judgment on your Triscuits, lady.
3. "Diet Coke depletes your calcium, you know."
I've always felt my bones were too big anyway.
4. "Babe, I feel like too much of our budget goes to Diet Coke."
Fine, I give up vegetables.
5. "Diet Coke has been linked to cancer in rats, you know."
Do I look like a goddamn rat to you?
6. "Everyone's going to think you're neurotic since you're always drinking Diet Coke."
Then may they get the weak-willed ginger ale–drinking little mouse that they DESERVE.
7. "Diet Coke can actually make you gain weight in the long run."
Know what else can? Absolutely everything else that we eat and drink. Stop scapegoating my silver cylinder of joy.
8. "Using Diet Coke as a cocktail mixer gets you drunker faster so your hangover will be worse."
I already bid farewell to my best years, thank you, now grab me a can of that sweet nectar and leave me to die.
9. "Diet Coke is very acidic and can rot your teeth!"
I'm prepared for such risks.
10. "Diet Coke can also stain your teeth pretty badly."
No darker than the stain of judgment in your heart, my so-called friend.
11. "Some studies link excessive Diet Coke drinking with kidney decline."
Some studies link impersonating an endocrinologist with arrest and incarceration at Azkaban.
12. "You know, red wine really goes better with this steak than Diet Coke."
You know, if I wanted to pair this well I would have gone some place with a prix fixe and a waitstaff that actually knows French.
13. "Maybe you can replace one or two cans of Diet Coke a day with some seltzer water."
Maybe I can replace you in this department, underling!
14. "Have you thought about switching to a nice herbal tea?"
Have you thought about switching to a new FAMILY?
15. "Oh, we don't have Diet Coke. Is Diet Pepsi OK?"
Sure! Fine! Why don't you just fill my glass with mud and serpent's blood if you're already going to be disgusting about it.
