1. “Fluent in sarcasm.”
Alana: Speak English, motherfucker.
Krutika: 100% chance of negging.
Julia: You aren’t actually funny or sarcastic: you’re just an unpleasant dick to everyone and hope it passes as humor. You’re obsessed with being Gregory House.
2. Shirtless pic that isn’t outdoors.
Krutika: “I would have posted a picture of my dick but it’s not worth mentioning.”
Julia: I mean, it’s straightforward at least? And if I was in a fix to have sex with some dude with a six pack, this does save me time. Logically, my response is “ew” but biologically, I’m like “ehhhhh?”
Alana: A classic case of “My body sayin’ let’s go, but my heart is sayin’ no.”
3. “Looking for a partner in crime.”
Krutika: “…..to help me hide the bodies of all the women I murdered before I met you.”
Julia: You might be a dad. A cool dad, but a dad nonetheless.
Alana: I want to find one of these dudes to low-key suggest petty crimes to and then escalate to grand larceny on my behalf and use the profile that it was his idea.
Krutika: Might as well have said “human”.
Alana: Seriously, one of your primary interests is a beverage? If you start talking about distilleries, I am going to start talking about factory farms.
Julia: I’m going to assume you’re an alcoholic if a hard liquor is listed as an interest.
5. “I love to have fun!”
Krutika: “I love to watch porn in line at Six Flags while gulping down a Mountain Dew and wondering what my ex is doing.”
Julia: I don’t. BYEEEE.
6. “Just thought I’d try this out.”
Krutika: But Sir don’t you know that you’ve always been here….*zooms in like The Shining*
Julia: We’re both on here because we want to find someone. The jig is up.
Alana: Thank you, this just says, “I have the spine of a jellyfish and refuse to admit I want a date so I pretend I don’t care about the outcome of this endeavor.” Based on several true stories.
7. Really any line about not being into Tinder/online dating.
Krutika: “I hate admitting i need a female but I’m tired of fucking a fleshlight attached to my iPad.”
Julia: No one WANTS to be here. We just haven’t found anyone IRL (and I’m starting to tell why that is in your case.)
Alana: This just makes me feel like some budget date that the dude doesn’t really want to be on. Just enjoy Tinder, Tinder is great (the shit we’re talking about it notwithstanding)!
8. Pic with a woman who could conceivably be a girlfriend.
Krutika: The white girl your mom hopes you actually end up with.
Julia: If you’re looking for a third, mention it in the bio? Otherwise I’m going to not play with potential fire here.
Alana: My reaction to this will be entirely based on if she has skinnier arms than me. And I’ve said too much.
9. Pic with a drugged up baby tiger.
Julia: Sociopaths don’t usually blow their cover so quickly, so thank you for that!
Alana: These dudes are infuriating cause they’re too boring to even be sociopaths! They just paid some tourist trap in Thailand to hadn over the junkie tiger babies for a hot minute and took a picture and thought it was like, mad chill bro.
Krutika: If I really want to waste my time, I’ll just rewatch The Hangover.
10. “Just ask!” only.
Alana: This drastically overestimates how interesting you seem based on these five selfies and the wedding shot.
Krutika: *sends captcha*
Julia: You’re a dude in a checkered shirt with a beer in your hand. You’re giving me nothing to work with!
11. Machu Picchu pics.
Julia: You have more money than me!
Alana: WHY ARE YOU RAISING YOUR ARMS LIKE THAT? WHAT GODS ARE YOU PRAYING TO?
12. His Alma mater listed.
Krutika: Thank you for applying for the position of Person I Have Sex With Next, unfortunately you do not meet our qualifications for the job. Best of luck in the future.
Julia: I’ve had some astoundingly mediocre/generally awful guys from Ivies/good schools aggressively pursue me because they still think their degree makes them perfect. It’s an experience I’d like to minimize if possible.
Alana: I’m not even a school snob but my favorite thing in the world is dropping my Yale degree casually into conversations with these dudes and watching their boners turn inward at a woman who has out-achieved them on paper.
13. “Loves to laugh.”
Krutika: Loves to cry after sex.
Alana: Oh god. Use. your. words.
Julia: LOL, no.
14. Referring to women as “females.”
Julia: I’ve never seen this and am dying to know the context. I picture him as like an awkward anthropologist just “trying out the online dating, you know, with the females.”
Alana: I’ve seen like “just looking for some females to have fun with!” and I imagine him being down with absolutely any primate coming out with him.
15. “Looking for my Tinderella.”
Alana: Cool, he hopes my mom is dead and that my sisters are mean and that I just have mice for friends so I’m utterly dependent on him to return shoes for me.
Krutika: Let me leave this glass slipper up your ass.
Julia: Does your boner disappear at the stroke of midnight?
16. “It’s goin’ down, I’m yellin’ Tinder!”
Krutika: Nobody is looking for the Pitbull to their Ke$ha. Not even Ke$ha.
Alana: Sometimes I think you don’t know me at all, Krutika.
17. “No drama.”
Krutika: All comedy.
Julia: I just picture him as having the voice of one of the women from The Hot Wives of Orlando. Which can be a good or bad thing. Haven’t decided.
Alana: “Women be havin’ craaaazy feelings all over the place, am I right? Fucking fucked up slut idiot whores… Jessica never calls me, babe I miss you….come home…babe…babe?”
18. “I’m new to the city, want to be my tour guide? :)”
Krutika: Nah. Just like privilege, the burden of explaining the city it isn’t going to lay on me, your only brown friend.
Alana: Hard pass.
Julia: If I’m bored and you’re a cute Brit, honestly? You can maybe tour my vagina.
19. Just an Instagram handle.
Krutika: *Girl with the X arms emoji*
Julia: I will judge you if you use any filter but Walden.
Alana: I cruise the IG to see if their photos are accurate and if they appear to make breakfast well and use good emojis.
20. Just his height.
Krutika: I’ll only be impressed if this is your dick size.
Julia: I mean, I only date guys who are 6’8”, so.
Alana: What does it say about me that I will be down for this if he’s a babe and kinda tall? I’m a monster, don’t look at me.
21. His height with “in heels” added.
Julia: Women will destroy you. What are you laughing at?
Krutika: I’ll only be impressed if it’s your dick in heels.
Alana: If you want me to watch you walk around in heels, I am going to charge the same rate as the chicks at the dungeons.
22. Pic with a child or children from a foreign country in the global south.
Krutika: Using children as props to say I’m not racist so you should fuck me is a guaranteed way to get every brown person to swipe left on you. Only fans of Nicholas Sparks think that shit is cute.
Julia: Nice try, guy who has to brag about all the nice things he does!
Alana: The shit-eating, do-gooder grin that launched a thousand Tumblr memes. Benevolent colonialism is not the look bro.
23. “Just your average guy.”
Krutika: Has all the standard factory model defects.
Alana: Who advertises that they are the C+ of the dating world?
Julia: Just your extraordinary girl, with no time for this shit.
- Arkansas has carried out the first double execution since 2000. The state had scheduled 8 executions before a key drug expires.
- "Stealthing," or purposefully removing a condom during sex without consent, has become a new trend. But victims say it is another form of assault.
- The same Russian hackers who interfered in the 2016 US presidential election are now active in German and French politics 💻
- A popular app changed the name of a filter after people complained it whitewashes them. The filter still lightens your skin though 🤔