22 Signs You've Embraced The Slobcore Lifestyle
An inside look at the radical movement against Big Personal Hygiene.
Your childhood role models foretold your future as a slob.
And since before you can remember, you've found strange comfort in the feeling of food on your skin.
Fortunately, a revolutionary movement has begun.
But you knew you were truly cut of slobcore cloth after it took you years to realize that "The Golden Rule" was not just another name for "The Five-Second Rule."
Socks are just one of many items you've found a way to repurpose to accommodate your sloth.
You've never met a food product that wasn't dramatically improved by adding marshmallows.
This isn't a mug of biohazardous spoons; it's a cool hot tub for spoons to hang out in.
You know firsthand that there's no truth in advertising.
You defend your rodent infestation as charming evidence that you're in touch with nature's creatures.
"Our preferred term is 'Ladies of Leisure'!" you've snipped at the slanderous mention of "couch potatoes."
And when the Netflix robots called you out on your slovenly lifestyle, you were admittedly irked.
Especially since Halloween is the only night per year that you can eat your signature Lap Candy Salad and binge-watch horror movies without judgment.
As a slobcore activist, you'll keep defying the standards of both the patriarchy and the Center for Disease Control.
Because thinking about the next generation of slobs who want to revel in filth free from tyranny brings a tear to your makeup-encrusted eye.
Frankly, you can't wait for you and your comrades-in-crust to take the movement to the next level together.
Because rolling around in putrid laundry is always better with a friend.
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