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26 Sad Realities Only Underachievers With Ivy Degrees Understand

Yes, Mom, I know that Mark Zuckerberg went to Harvard too.

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2. The deep, dead silence on the other line when your high school guidance counselor asks you to speak to the kids about what you're doing now.

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"Mrs. Clark, are you there? Mrs. Clark? Mrs. Clark, please don't cry. This wasn't your fault."


10. You've convinced yourself that your friends secretly call it "CoDUMBia University" because of you.

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Because you've been calling it that since it sucked away your youth for so little reward.


17. You've started telling people that your Brown sweatshirt is actually just a celebration of your favorite color.

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You'd buy a second sweatshirt but you have to prioritize Saltines and Neosporin this month.

18. You got caught shoveling food into Tupperware at an event at the Harvard Club.

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Where your dad pays for membership because he is holding out hope that your unmotivated ass will learn to network.


20. Your retail colleagues started a rumor that you're an undercover reporter covering labor exploitation in American malls and now they won't talk to you.

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"Guys, we going to drinks after we fold this table of cashmere cardigans?"

"We're onto you, Cornell."

23. You wish that the Dartmouth stereotype of being a school for drunk hippies was true.

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But nope, they were mostly ambitious and successful go-getters just like the monsters at Princeton.


24. You've driven through campus blasting, "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" by Janet Jackson, weeping.

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Then you ran out of gas and had to ask some altogether pleasant sophomores to give you a lift back to your hovel.