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26 Sad Realities Only Underachievers With Ivy Degrees Understand

Yes, Mom, I know that Mark Zuckerberg went to Harvard too.

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2. The deep, dead silence on the other line when your high school guidance counselor asks you to speak to the kids about what you're doing now.

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"Mrs. Clark, are you there? Mrs. Clark? Mrs. Clark, please don't cry. This wasn't your fault."

3. But the local pawn shop valued your "Most Likely to Succeed" award in the yearbook at $0 and a side-eye.

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Come back when you have a handgun with the serial number scratched off, kid.

7. Your parents quietly and solemnly removed the bumper sticker of your school from their back windshield.

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There's only so many times they can lie when strangers say, "You must be so proud!"

8. You talk more about your resentment toward Yale Alumni magazine in therapy than about your absentee father.

10. You've convinced yourself that your friends secretly call it "CoDUMBia University" because of you.

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Because you've been calling it that since it sucked away your youth for so little reward.

11. Your mom holds your diploma hostage so you can't burn it for warmth when you're delinquent on your heating bill.

13. You've burst into tears when some poor undergraduate from the alumni fund called.

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"I was like you once, little one. But that was long ago."

17. You've started telling people that your Brown sweatshirt is actually just a celebration of your favorite color.

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You'd buy a second sweatshirt but you have to prioritize Saltines and Neosporin this month.

18. You got caught shoveling food into Tupperware at an event at the Harvard Club.

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Where your dad pays for membership because he is holding out hope that your unmotivated ass will learn to network.

20. Your retail colleagues started a rumor that you're an undercover reporter covering labor exploitation in American malls and now they won't talk to you.

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"Guys, we going to drinks after we fold this table of cashmere cardigans?"

"We're onto you, Cornell."

22. You say "University of Pennsylvania" instead of "Penn" now to throw people off your Ivy scent.

23. You wish that the Dartmouth stereotype of being a school for drunk hippies was true.

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But nope, they were mostly ambitious and successful go-getters just like the monsters at Princeton.

24. You've driven through campus blasting, "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" by Janet Jackson, weeping.

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Then you ran out of gas and had to ask some altogether pleasant sophomores to give you a lift back to your hovel.

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