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26 Sad Realities Only Underachievers With Ivy Degrees Understand

Yes, Mom, I know that Mark Zuckerberg went to Harvard too.

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1. You vaguely remember your youthful promise.

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But you drown it in bottom-shelf gin most days.

2. The deep, dead silence on the other line when your high school guidance counselor asks you to speak to the kids about what you're doing now.

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"Mrs. Clark, are you there? Mrs. Clark? Mrs. Clark, please don't cry. This wasn't your fault."

3. But the local pawn shop valued your "Most Likely to Succeed" award in the yearbook at $0 and a side-eye.

Come back when you have a handgun with the serial number scratched off, kid.
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Come back when you have a handgun with the serial number scratched off, kid.

4. You are preemptively defensive about your entire life when your parents call.

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Even their happy emojis just seem disappointed.

5. You can't get hired as a barista because you never learned basic skills.

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But no office jobs are interested in your in-depth knowledge of Michel Foucault's body of work.

6. "30 Under 30" lists were invented by Lucifer. In the depths of Hell.

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And the six people from your school are his henchmen, sent to destroy your sense of self.

7. Your parents quietly and solemnly removed the bumper sticker of your school from their back windshield.

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There's only so many times they can lie when strangers say, "You must be so proud!"

8. You talk more about your resentment toward Yale Alumni magazine in therapy than about your absentee father.

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Unlike him, that cursed periodical keeps showing up at your door.

9. Several members of your graduating class now hold elected offices.

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But you never sexted with them so you can't blackmail them for jobs or cash.

10. You've convinced yourself that your friends secretly call it "CoDUMBia University" because of you.

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Because you've been calling it that since it sucked away your youth for so little reward.

11. Your mom holds your diploma hostage so you can't burn it for warmth when you're delinquent on your heating bill.

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A pox on her house for genetically spreading an interest in the Humanities.

12. Your college sweetheart married a member of a small but tasteful royal family.

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You knew she was going places but damn.

13. You've burst into tears when some poor undergraduate from the alumni fund called.

"I was like you once, little one. But that was long ago."
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"I was like you once, little one. But that was long ago."

14. You've burst into flames when some poor undergraduate from the alumni fund called.

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This is Hell and you are king.

15. Your former roommate has a yacht now.

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And she won't even hire you to polish the gilded faucets on it.

16. Your dreams regularly feature dead US presidents, shaming you.

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And that Woodrow Wilson is as mean as a snake!

17. You've started telling people that your Brown sweatshirt is actually just a celebration of your favorite color.

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You'd buy a second sweatshirt but you have to prioritize Saltines and Neosporin this month.

18. You got caught shoveling food into Tupperware at an event at the Harvard Club.

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Where your dad pays for membership because he is holding out hope that your unmotivated ass will learn to network.

19. If you ever run into this broad, you're going to have words.

Such a nice name for such a cruel mistress.
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Such a nice name for such a cruel mistress.

20. Your retail colleagues started a rumor that you're an undercover reporter covering labor exploitation in American malls and now they won't talk to you.

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"Guys, we going to drinks after we fold this table of cashmere cardigans?"

"We're onto you, Cornell."

21. The "Where Are They Now?" alumni email blast causes you more anxiety than getting your STI results.

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Because they don't have antibiotics for abysmal failure.

22. You say "University of Pennsylvania" instead of "Penn" now to throw people off your Ivy scent.

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The bitter, bitter scent of that succulent and seductive wall-engulfing weed.

23. You wish that the Dartmouth stereotype of being a school for drunk hippies was true.

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But nope, they were mostly ambitious and successful go-getters just like the monsters at Princeton.

24. You've driven through campus blasting, "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" by Janet Jackson, weeping.

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Then you ran out of gas and had to ask some altogether pleasant sophomores to give you a lift back to your hovel.

25. You wince when you see your very famous commencement speaker on TV.

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Leader of the free world? More like LIAR OF THE FREE WORLD.

26. And even though you pretend to be happy for your successful friends...

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