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    Posted on Jan 29, 2015

    15 Fun New Punishments For Bad Sex And Dating Behaviors

    This list is by no means exhaustive. The behaviors listed are all totally exhausting.

    1. Arriving more than ten minutes late to a date and not apologizing profusely via text.

    VH1 / Via

    Punishment: You must wear Flavor Flav's oversized watch necklace to your next job interview without explanation.

    2. Starting an online dating conversation with "Hey."

    3. Saying "My ex and I used to do that" when your current partner refuses to engage in a particular sexual position or scenario with you.

    Warner Bros. Entertainment / Via

    Punishment: You are sentenced to watching six hours of HD-quality pornographic material of your ex that broke your heart and their new spouse. If you cry, your sentence is doubled.

    4. Talking about how much (or how little) money you make on a date.

    5. Insulting someone who declines your advances on a dating site.


    Punishment: Your mother gets to see every comment you have ever made anonymously on the internet, you thin-skinned little weasel.

    6. Going out with someone more than once and then "ghosting" on them by not replying to their texts.

    CBS / Via

    Punishment: Like the ghost of Jacob Marley in Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, you shall wear one heavy chain on your person for each time you commit this egregious sin, alerting all to beware of your heartless ways.

    7. Sending a "You up?" text to your ex whose heart you broke.

    Pixar / Via

    Punishment: You are forced to watch the opening sequence to the beloved Pixar film Up and experience the internal anguish of the old man who lost the love of his life. Stop cracking open people's chest cavities with false hope, you monster.

    8. If you're a guy, intentionally taking a really long time to finish when having sex with a woman to prove your longevity.

    Getty Images/iStockphoto/FastGlassPhotos

    Punishment: One masturbation session with sandpaper because fair is fair.

    9. Saying, "That's never happened with anyone else I've slept with" if your sexual partner doesn't orgasm.

    Touchstone Pictures / Via

    Punishment: You are sentenced to six consecutive viewings of the 2005 cinematic abomination, Casanova, starring Heath Ledger and Oliver Platt, since apparently it is your biography. Stop making people feel bad for not climaxing. Also, you are a liar.

    10. Asking someone on a date but adding, "if you want" to the end like you totally don't even care since you are just so cool about everything.

    New Line Cinema

    Punishment: The next ten people you sincerely want to go out with will reply "Oh okay, I don't really want to!" to teach you that your nonchalance is unsexy and that putting the ball in someone else's court to seem like you don't care makes you look like a person who does not care.

    11. Having pictures on your dating profile with a very attractive person that imply they may or not be your significant other.


    Punishment: A photo of you and a beloved pet will be used on a popular website article about people having sexual relationships with animals. This isn't entirely related but that shit is confusing to people and you need to punished for it.

    12. Sending an unsolicited photo of your junk.

    13. Negging, a tactic wherein people (monsters) subtly insult their dates to make them feel insecure and work extra hard to seem desirable.


    Punishment: You are sentenced to overhear a roundtable discussion between the partners you were with during your five least impressive sexual performances. Animated gifs will be presented of your "O" face. Be nice.

    14. Making a racist or homophobic or sexist or transphobic or ageist or classist or otherwise discriminatory joke on a date under the assumption that you are with someone who doesn't belong to the category you mock so its like, totally cool!

    Via Flickr: coby_bidwell

    Punishment: You are banished to the bottom of the sea and only allowed to interact with eels for the rest of your days. They probably raised you anyway.

    15. Surprising someone with a rim job when you're going down on them.


    Punishment: For the rest of your life, your opening line in dating situations has to be "I sometimes lick peoples' buttholes during oral without warning them in advance" because facts are facts.

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