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A Love Letter To My Long-Term Boyfriend, The Internet

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Oh internet, I love you so much.

You've taught me so much, connected me to so many people.

Most importantly, you've connected me to my best self.

Our relationship has opened my eyes to new cultures and world events with 24/7 news sites.

My faith in humanity has been restored by the youthful vigor of Tumblr's most prolific users.

Facebook has rekindled so many friendships that I thought were lost forever.

And Twitter taught me how to approach strangers I admire.

It also taught me how to pick fights with strangers, which is oddly exhilarating!

Just like you, oddly exhilarating.

Honestly, I can barely remember what life was like before I had you.

It was a dark time of opening books to find word definitions.

And going to doctors when I wanted to know what physical symptoms meant.

If I wanted to find a date, I had to go outside.

What a drag that life was until we met!


From the very beginning, you've known just how to make me laugh.

Like when you introduced me to Leonardo DiCaprio fan poetry on Angelfire.

Or the year we spent all that time with those illiterate cats that loved cheeseburgers?

Golly, they just couldn't get enough of those burgers!

And neither could I...I couldn't get enough of you.

I would read aloud the celebrity blind items and make you guess who they were about. Even though you were always totally unfazed by celebrity.

We would watch episode after episode of LonelyGirl15 on YouTube while we waited for movies to download from Pirate Bay.

That was before I cleaned up my act and got Netflix streaming.

But you never judged me for that.

You knew what a challenge it was to navigate the intricate landscape of your heart.

It hasn't always been smooth sailing with us.

Those two weeks when I tried to break up with you for Lent were the hardest in my life.

Yes, even harder than when Rihanna took an Instagram hiatus.

It hurt whhen you didn't alert me that people could see when I looked at their LinkedIn profiles with the default privacy settings.

And when you let me go into an unmoderated comments section on an article about feminism and race.

That was grim.

But honestly, I like you better without trigger warnings.

You give it to me straight and make me confront the realities of the modern age.

Though I'm still upset about those bonsai kittens you showed me.

I know it was a hoax but it still makes me upset to think about.

Which reminds me, we should visit the grave of Wesley Willis next time we travel.

Babe, I know it'll be difficult but not nearly as sad as what happened to Ello.

But I didn't bring this up to talk about the past, let's talk about the future.

I'm more excited than ever that we're on a reality TV show streaming exclusively for the CIA.

I was weirded out at first I feel kinda special.

And with websites launching more and more TV shows and movies, we will have even more reasons to spend time together.

And the corporate masterminds behind that want to make you a human right in the global south mean that we'll have more travel opportunities!

What I love about you is how quickly you ease my mind about things that used to feel creepy and insidious.

Like how you remember every question I've ever asked.

That's so thoughtful.

Whether I need to know the current make up of the Supreme Court or figure out if I'm pregnant, I know you and Yahoo answers will be there.

I feel so safe with you.

And that is what love is all about.

What's that babe?

Oh, this site would like to access my camera roll, contacts, and search data?

Awww, I'm glad that you always ask about that stuff in an effort to give me a more tailored user experience.

Check "Yes" if I agree to your Terms & Conditions?

I do.

Every. Tasty. Video. EVER. The new Tasty app is here!