Daniel Day-Lewis is considered by many to be the greatest actor of his generation.
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He also has a face chiseled by the hands of angels.
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Sexual Orientation: Day-Lewis, 1993.
And a body that makes Adonis weep.
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But Daniel Day-Lewis has a fatal flaw...
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No, not that, you drama queen.
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He could choose to look dapper as hell every day.
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Instead, he chooses to make the most appalling and unoriginal sartorial choices under the sun.
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For example, did you ever wonder what those monkeys did with the stolen caps in beloved children's book Caps for Sale?
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They sold them to Daniel Day-Lewis while he was on a bender.
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And do you know why this adorable French child looks so forlorn?
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Because Daniel Day-Lewis snatched her adorable little beret off her adorable little French head.
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Meth and paranoia made Jesse Pinkman make questionable choices regarding graphic zip-ups.
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What's your excuse?
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Rasputin, you seem upset. Is everything OK?
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Of course everything's not OK. Daniel Day-Lewis snatched your wizard beard.
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Why so angry, Danny DeVito?
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Oh. I see.
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The creators of Brokeback Mountain, the borough of Brooklyn, the state of Texas, and the Berlin International Film Festival are all owed a formal apology.
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"Look, I'm sorry. I'll try harder. I'll do better."
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Proceed.
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"See, I will just sit here on this bench solemnly, in a common man's clothes."
Oh, Daniel. Sweet, foolish Daniel.
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It's been done, darling. And done far better.
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