"'Always making you laugh at the dinner table and telling you how to undercut the bullies with humor' dad."
"Non sequiturs at the table."
"He'd always put a tuna sandwich in your lunch."
"He would give you socks as gifts a lot."
"And he'd also bring a camcorder to all your games and plays and stuff. An old one."
"You'd learn to play catch with a navel orange or something and think that's normal but talk to your friends and they'll be like, 'We use a baseball, your dad is weird.'"
"Like, you grow up thinking, My dad is so weird, until one day you realize wait your dad is the best."
"Yeah, Steve Buscemi would embarrass you until you were old enough to be like, Aw, that's actually really sweet."
"You'd just be exhausted by all of your friends being in love with your dad."
"'Hey, will your dad be home?' Ugh, stop."
"He would take the teacher's side when you got in trouble but laugh in the car at what you did."
"Funny but scary pre-prom dad. Like, shows up at the door with a badass look on his face making sure you have his little girl back by 11, you hear?"
"A super-embarrassing dad."
"He's always in character and would meet your boyfriend as Abraham Lincoln or something."
"And the HATS."
"He wouldn't like it when you called him Dadiel Dad-Lewis."
"I feel like he would need a lot of alone time."
"'Not now, Timmy, Daddy's in his dark place.'"
"Strict household. Lots of chores for character-building."
"He would say things like, 'I see this is all just one big joke to you.'"
"He'd be like, 'You can't date until you're 18,' and you'd be like, 'I HATE YOU, DAD, YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE.'"
"I'm imagining him showing up at your bedside, Bill the Butcher style."
"You wake up and you're like, 'Dad?'"
"And he's like, 'Let me tell you about the war.'"
"'Dad, it's 3 a.m.'"
"He'd give you a knife on your birthday that used to belong to his father."
"Liam Neeson would rescue you if you got taken."
"He'd do that strong-man-crying thing at your wedding and you would just completely break down."
"He does the Taken voice for your friends every time they ask, even though he's bored with it."
"He cares for his rose garden like they were his own children."
"He would have like 10 billion signed baseballs in his study."
"Liam Neeson would save your ass anytime."
"He'd come pick you up from a party if your designated driver got drunk."
"And wouldn't even yell at you. He's just glad you're safe."
Samuel L. Jackson
"He would have insane punishments. Like stand in the corner and hold a cactus."
"The Shame Cactus."
"Yeah, he would psych you out and tailor the punishment to you."
"'Shovel the snow from one side of the driveway to the other.'"
"He has some STORIES to tell about his younger years."
"Yeah, you know dad lived a whole other wild life before you came along."
"Samuel L. Jackson dad would be like, 'Clean your room, motherfucker, or else you don't get your motherfuckin' allowance.'"
"He would have an entire closet just devoted to his many hats."
"'I told you, never touch Daddy's hats.'"
"It hurts too much to think about it because I want him to be my dad so bad."
"Everyone would accidentally think he was their dad."
"Tom Hanks is the ultimate goofball who would, like, take you to the circus."
"He is the daddiest. So many piggyback rides. Memories of going to the fair."
"Tom Hanks would always let you keep the animal you found that was hurt so you'd have lots of birds and kittens."
"He'd be like, 'I want you to know you can talk to me about anything,' and you'd believe it."
"You'd probably have a secret handshake."
"Definitely calls you 'sport.'"
"And adopts your friends (not legally, just lovingly)."
"Makes a mean puttanesca sauce and it's the only thing he knows how to make but he makes it for your friends."
"Dad who gives you lots of books for no other reason than that he's thinking of you."
"A strong, silent type. Few words, but they are very important when he says them."
"He nods his approval rather than lavishing praise."
"As you got older, you could raid his closet."
"He wouldn't care that you're not a great martial artist, but you would care for some reason."
"Because he makes it look so artful."
"Would make you cry during driving lessons."
"And make you cry at prom."
"And make you cry always."
"What's it called when you basically divorce your parents and go independent? Because that's what you would do."
"'You just don't get it, do you, Dad?'"
"'No, you don't get this family! I built this family!'"
"Screaming, crying, perfect storm."
"He can make all the tables turn."
"'You can't go to college in California!'"
"'I'M GOING TO COLLEGE IN CALIFORNIA! YOU CAN'T STOP ME.'"
"So rugged. He hikes with his kids."
"He'd be dirty all the time. Like, 'Take a bath, Dad.'"
"Viggo Dad would give you a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves and not be weird about it."
"He'd be silent and a little withholding but VERY loving underneath it all."
"He always has a scratchy beard and his kids don't know what to do with themselves when he shaves."
"A complete stranger when he shaved."
"I don't think I'd like him as a dad and I don't honestly know why."
"You wouldnt see him between the ages of 5 and 14 when you were in boarding school."
"I think we're only thinking of James Bond as a dad, which isn't really fair."
"James Bond would be the worst dad."
"I feel like he would be the dad that's trying to be cool, but would really miss the mark and embarrass you."
"He'd make you go to polo games."
"Then he'd get really angry at polo games."
"He'd be like, 'Get me a martini.'"
"'Dad, I'm 5 years old.'"
"Almost a naked dad. A loincloth dad."
"Makes you relive the things he loved as a child, but they're so boring."
"Plays in a jam band in the garage and wears a bandana."
"Johnny Depp Dad would, like, force you to opt into his super-pretentious lifestyle."
"He'd make you learn how to play the piano when you're 2, before you can read words."
"You've been smoking since you were 12 and no one ever tells you to stop."
"He'd pick out clothes for you."
"And you're like, 'Dad, I'm not wearing this.' And he'd get really hurt."
"Yeah he'd always be personally offended."
"'You don't wanna do this with ME?'"
"'This has nothing to do with YOU, Dad.'"
"All your friends' moms would linger a little too long when they came to pick up your friends."
"I feel like he would wake you up at 3 a.m. for middle-of-the-night pancakes."
"'Come along, children, we're going dancing!'"
"'Daaaaaad! Not again!'"
"He would definitely out-dance everyone at the function and your family would be like, 'That Antonio has the gift.'"
"He'd make out with your mom a lot, which you hated as a kid but appreciate as you got older."
"'Me and your mother are taking a nap,' and you're like, 'Ew gross.'"
"Best bedtime stories ever."
"He has a seeming treasure trove of parables."
"So warm. The hugs are like warm fluffy safe zones of happiness."
"Morgan Freeman would give the best advice and his stories would never be boring."
"He would never stop giving you life lessons to the point where you're like, 'Dad, can I live?'"
"He would give your friends unsolicited advice all the time."
"You'd never think your dad was wrong bc he'd be all-knowing and you'd always wanna make him proud."
"He comes to the door shirtless when your friends come over."
"And lean on the doorframe."
"Probably walks around naked."
"He'd like... try to arm wrestle."
"He cooks one dish."
"He'd def smoke pot with you."
"'Drink in the house, it's the best way to learn.'"
"'We have a responsibility to the planet and to those less fortunate' and blah blah."
"He'd also make you take service trips every summer."
"He'd give you condoms to use and be like, 'I know you're doing it — just be safe about it.'"
"'Do you wanna go on birth control?'"
"'I know how the female body works.'"
"'Lets talk about your period. Any questions?'"
"DAD JEANS DAD JEANS DAD JEANS."
"He always asks you if you need a snack."
"He'd always have almonds in his pocket."
"You caught him singing 'All About That Bass' to himself. While making a salad."
"He'd try to talk to you about current bands but would just sound so lame."
"He calls One Direction 'The One Direction.'"
"Obama Dad embarrasses you by dancing all weird but once you're done being mortified he'll break out the real moves."
"He'd make the same joke — 'Don't throw any wild parties while I'm gone!' — every time he leaves."
"Makes up the words to songs and thinks they're right."
"He'd be so easy for your significant other to meet because he 'trusts your judgment.'"
"Wants you to come downstairs and listen to this jam by The Police."
"'Listen to that bass.'"