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    Dec 22, 2014

    "69 Love Songs" Ranked By How Much They Make You Want To 69

    Because overrated sex acts still deserve extraordinary soundtracks. The definitive ranking of the classic concept album from The Magnetic Fields.

    Chris Ritter/BuzzFeed

    69. Epitaph for My Heart

    The lyrical genius of this folky piece from the mouth and mind of Stephin Merritt may be unrivaled, but the heavy thematic elements of heartbreak and loneliness make this song better titled, "Epitaph for My (Fuck) Part" for it's mopey, boner-killing properties. While one technically can 69 without a boner present, it is near impossible to find a partner with a predilection for choking on elephantine gummy snacks through silent sobs.

    68. How Fucking Romantic

    A capella is one of the most potent antidotes against lubricating naturally, drying up vaginal vaults and stopping countless 69 sessions long before they begin. The track saves itself from being dead last with the line, "Don't forget to feed your bear or it'll die," a clear public service announcement about naughty nutrition for the bearded, brawny set.

    67. Roses

    This 0:28 second clip is actually just a native ad from 1-800-Flowers.

    66. Zebra

    It is a fact of biology that zebras love licking each other's skinstruments almost as much as they love outwitting predators with their sneaky zigzag markings. But this list is not called, "'69 Love Songs Ranked By How Much They Get Zebra Genitals Stoked for Oral."

    65. My Only Friend

    A song depressing enough to not only wilt a hard-on but for it cause the flaccid thing to develop a visible frown. Lady caves have reportedly produced real human tears when the song is merely hummed. The enemy of 69ers everywhere.

    64. My Sentimental Melody

    The fan organ heard alongside LD Beghtol's vocals is the only organ being stimulated in a 69-mile radius of this slightly saccharine farewell.

    63. Love is Like Jazz

    Love may be like jazz, but 69ing is like rock 'n fucking roll. This cacophonous ditty just doesn't orally inspire many people.

    62. The Way You Say Good-Night

    Merge Records / Via

    Sung in an inviting tenor by LD Beghtol, this track's references to songbirds, who are notoriously incapable of 69ing due to their bone structures, took human audiences right out of the mood to assume the position.

    61. Fido, Your Leash Is Too Long

    This playful retelling of the experience of a poorly behaved hound that was always barging in on his owner's 69ing adventures right before he was about to share an earth-shattering climax with his partner. It is upbeat but not especially arousing.

    60. All My Little Words

    This song of longing gave us the word, "unboyfriendable" and should primarily be listened to in the aftermath of a breakup when 69ing is not recommended by physicians.

    59. Love in the Shadows

    This eerily seductive haunt of a song is at No. 1 on the list, "69 Love Songs Ranked According to How Abundantly Clear it Is That They're About Discreetly Fucking in Public," but is unremarkable as a song for when you're making a snatch sandwich and getting your groin juice guzzled.

    58. I Can't Touch You Anymore

    "You want to tell me 50 ways you've left your lovers / You want to tell me how you loved 200 others," are lines that invoke both jealousy and a desire for group sex, neither of which is conducive to a classic and productive 69 experience.

    57. Washington, D.C.

    The promising romp with vocals from Claudia Gonson kicks off with a cheer and shouts out the nation's capital, home to elected officials who are as committed to orally pleasing you as they are to upholding the Constitution. Which is to say, not at all.

    56. Acoustic Guitar

    Few sights cause a 69 plan to self-sabotage more than than when your fuck friend wields one of these hollowed-out Hades sirens in public. Involuntary vaginal clenching occurs and boners retreat into the lower abdomen on sight. "For the deep throat skills to come out and play, the acoustic guitar must be put away," is the new mantra of dorm-dwellers seeking to 69 anywhere and everywhere.

    55. Punk Love

    Though there are few things more punk rock than deep-sea diving in the damp depths of a diddle dungeon during a dick dampening of your own, this cacophonous throwaway is too short to penetrate hearts or other organs sufficiently.

    54. I Don't Believe in the Sun

    Merge Records / Via

    A stellar 69 session is as much about giving as about taking. So this song written during a collaboration between Stephin Merritt and Eeyore of the Hundred Acre Wood might be a stunningly melancholic musing on lost love but it could turn even the most drenched panty hamster into a desolate sandbox in a few notes.

    53. No One Will Ever Love You

    Rumored to be directed at a philandering champion of the fine art of the 69 by the only woman who ever loved him for his heart rather than his tongue, the slightly accusatory nature of the song puts a damper on your damp parts before you even consider getting going.

    52. Xylophone Track

    This blues-inspired desperation track is a man reading his will to his mother as he clings to life. A reference to playing "ribs like a xylophone" has parallels to thoughts about "playing the skinflute," but they're disrupted by the stiffy-stunting sadness of Merritt's voice.

    51. Queen of the Savages

    Though the ukelele's signature sound is a known aphrodisiac, the reference to "yams and cabbages" in the first verse cancels it out due to these vegetables' notoriety for causing bloating and gas, notorious buzzkills to the thrill of a sensual 69.

    50. I'm Sorry I Love You

    The bittersweet apology song about unrequited gully-yodeling-for-two is dressed up as a rose metaphor and has a great hook. But without hope for a promising 69 in the singer's future, the song doesn't inspire others to disrobe and dig into the reproductive rec room of their partners.

    49. For We Are the King of the Boudoir

    This is an olden-timey song about sexually demanding French royalty who were well-documented as preferring anal to oral. Excellent mandolin work appears on this track but it fails to compel listeners to pucker up to play their partner's piccolo.

    48. Kiss Me Like You Mean It

    The gentleness of this devotional disguises the fact that it is actually about a bondage and domination relationship. B&D partnerships are not traditionally associated with a huge amount of suh-weet 69 action but, to be explicit for just a moment, songs about kissing are all actually about climaxing inside someone's mouth with your taint in full view.

    47. Boa Constrictor

    Vocals by Shirley Simms are convincing in their claims of a constricted heart, but the reptilian references are oddly at odds with fantasies of unleashing a trouser snake in your food hole during synchronized sex-by-mouth.

    46. Abigail Belle of Kilronan

    This earnest ballad about separated lovers during wartime paints a vivid picture of a young Irish couple in love. But nowhere in that portrait is any evidence that their 69 game was on point. However, the name "Abigail" means "good in discretion and beautiful in form" so she is likely not letting it slip that they slipped their junk into each others' maws the night before he reported for duty.

    45. The Things We Did and Didn't Do

    This melancholy reflection on regret was written from the perspective of a man who had never asked for the 69 he always dreamed of from his long-gone lover. But by his despairing example, others have been emboldened to ask for what they want, which is almost always to 69.

    44. When My Boy Walks Down The Street

    Merge Records / Via

    The predecessors to the normcore movement coined "walks down the street" as a subtle euphemism for fellatio. This head-bopper about head-bobbing places respectably considering the fact that it contains no overt references to fellating as a duo.

    43. Time Enough for Rocking When We're Old

    This meditation on the resignation that comes with growing old has a music box feel though it unfortunately casts aside the needs of another kind of box. "There'll be time enough for sex and drugs in Heaven / When our pheromones are turned up to 11," is a cruel refusal to indulge carnal desire in this mortal world. The only 69 in the old couple's life was the year of the moon landing, which they celebrated in missionary with the lights out, utterly silent.

    42. The One You Really Love

    Nothing puts a frown on a maiden's vertical smile like the thought of her piece in love with another, but this duet about a surprise corpse-fucker* of some kind is more of a general downer than specifically aimed at softening his skinflute right before a stellar 69 session.

    *Things become strange in the song's last line

    41. Very Funny

    The abrupt ending on this short orchestral number is the musical equivalent of premature ejaculation during an otherwise smooth ride down Route 69. An unscheduled splooge is not only disappointing, it is dangerous during a 69 situation when uvulas are not positioned optimally for a load, hardly a laughing matter.

    40. If You Don't Cry

    This is a synth-pop dedication to the phenomenon of orgasmic tears, a normal but sometimes embarrassing outburst in weeping usually associated with a vigorous 69 between college roommates turned lovers.

    39. Grand Canyon

    This tender and sprawling appeal for unconditional love makes an apt reference to Paul Bunyan, the lumberjack of legend who, the story goes, dragged his giant ax across the Earth to create the Grand Canyon. Whether a dame thinks of her parts as canyon or ax wound, the vision of unexplored, earthen terrain will open her mind to the majestic 69 for which her decadent orifice has always yearned.

    38. You're My Only Home

    A meandering love song. Written by mouths, for genitals. With moderate success at getting people to 69.

    37. (Crazy for You But) Not That Crazy

    Catchiness outweighs lyrical clarity in this electronic bop-around, which is great, since feeling crazy in a fun way makes you want to 69 like it's the last day on Earth.

    36. Papa Was a Rodeo

    Merge Records / Via

    Master songwriter Merritt takes us on a seamless journey to the center of a vagina cloaked in the metaphor of a dive bar in this broody number influenced by the American West. Brilliant scene craft, brutal lack of 69ing options.

    35. How to Say Goodbye

    Unfortunately, this is not a sung instructional manual on appropriately bidding farewell by flip-flopping into a sultry 69. It is about when your former piece gets married, an experience where respondents are almost evenly split between "I would want to do nothing but 69 with strangers for a year" and "I would probably never be able to 69 again."

    34. Promises of Eternity

    A successful 69 requires that participants be fully in the moment, so this song is a big wet blanket drying up genital moisture with its spastic future-tripping about the literal rest of time.

    33. Absolutely Cuckoo

    The first track on the album is a reflection on both the early stages of love and on madness, two of the ripest conditions for an exploration of simultaneous suckling. The "proceed with caution" attitude about 69ing helps listeners strike a balance, landing this melody right in the middle of this groundbreaking countdown.

    32. Nothing Matters When We're Dancing

    Originally ranking at an irrelevant No. 59, experts found that replacing all of the repetitions of "dance" and "dancing" with "69" and "69ing" caused substantially more blood to flow to the bathing suit parts of study participants, moving this pitter-pattering display of affection for one's "dance" partner and lover up the list.

    31. Blue You

    Avoid the question, "Who knew I blew you to 'Blue You'?" by keeping tight-lipped about your 69 game during this unsettling but dreamy lullaby of a love song.

    30. I Think I Need a New Heart

    Told from the perspective of someone whose constant and overwhelming desire to 69 is alienating him from people and feelings, this danceable track is both pep talk and warning against the dangers of valuing your accumulated 69ing memories over dynamic and accountable human relationships.

    29. Asleep and Dreaming

    The twinkling star of love songs, this gentle tune is better suited to post-coital sleepy spooning than slobbery 69 situations in the sack. However, a trend in uncoordinated but rapturous 69ing during Ambien-induced waking sleep was noted for participants especially drawn to this tender lullaby.

    28. Reno Dakota

    Merge Records / Via

    For those that are turned on by irate accusations sung over a banjo solo, this gut-wrenching Claudia Gonson vehicle is a great contender to get their blood boiling and their hate-boners raging for a teeth-grittingly good 69.

    27. World Love

    "Love music wine and revolution," all sound appealing in this fluttering acknowledgment of cultural appropriation in pop music, but everyone with a lick of sense knows that "Love music wine and 69ing" is the more effective recipe to remedy ennui.

    26. I Shatter

    Sung in the voice of Lord Trinitron, a sentient robot who learned to love but who would malfunction at any encounter with moisture and grew to be a malcontent, this cello-lead tearjerker has something of a carpe diem effect on human audiences who 69 in gratitude for the blessing of being made of organic material.

    25. Experimental Music Love

    A game-changing recording made from the inside of a vagina being hummed into mid-cunillingus, the track made headlines in the audio technology world but did little to inspire couples to mix things up with a double-header.

    24. It's a Crime

    This deceptively simple "Swedish Reggae" track tells the tragic tale of a man too spineless ("jellyfish") to give or receive oral sex ("I didn't listen cause my brain [emphasis mine] was missing") while simultaneously taking a subtle dig at the criminalization of sodomy, a scourge on 69 enthusiasts. It serves more as "protest-cum-fable" than "parallel cum feast."

    23. The Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side

    Merge Records / Via

    This twee pop track brings to life the joie de vivre brought on by young love in New York City before the Lower East Side was acquired by Axe Body Spray. It closes with several repetitions of the flirtatious invitation, "Wanna go for a ride," an evident reference to mutual mustache rides.

    22. Wi' Nae Wee Bairn Ye'll Me Beget

    The well-known adage, "No one fucks a face while getting their face fucked better than the good people of Scotland," is widely considered to be the inspiration for this infectious romp that draws on Scottish folk tradition.

    21. A Pretty Girl Is Like...

    Merge Records / Via

    The half-pained, half-ecstatic grunt released after a devilishly good 69-induced orgasm can be roughly translated to, "I can't really breathe but I feel lighter," as it is heard in this sardonic take on female objectification. For having such a low tempo, it still prompts plenty to embark on adventures hovering the horn and mumbling in the moss at the same time.

    20. Busby Berkeley Dreams

    The 20th-century visionary whose name is dropped in this song title was responsible for choreographing group dance sequences that would come together into complex geometric patterns. If you did not come to the conclusion on your own that a giant dancing "69" would be a sublime contribution to society, please exit this countdown immediately.

    19. Come Back From San Francisco

    Before it was the proud home of the 49ers, San Fran was the informal destination for expert 69ers. Pleading, "Come back from San Francisco / and kiss me, I've quit smoking / I miss doing the wild thing with you," the horny but gentle singer is relatable to seasoned snatch snackers and newbie nut nibblers alike.

    18. The Cactus Where Your Heart Should Be

    A 1917 Marxophone was brought in to match the lyrical prickliness of the orchestration on this simple song about lingering thirst for ones that have wronged you. Because such scoundrels often make the best candidates for cleaning out your conjugal crevices, this cracks the top 20.

    17. Sweet-Lovin' Man

    Synthesizers and female vocals go together like mouths and sex organs, so this catchy-as-all-hell ode to good men compels lots of people to text up the sweetest man in their life to trade orally induced orgasms and follow up with a tender embrace and haiku reflection.

    16. The Sun Goes Down and the World Goes Dancing

    Merge Records / Via

    The sun isn't the only thing going down in this upbeat ode to dancing with someone you love. The track takes the adventurous sort of couple on an uplifting trot across the dance floor and into the treacherous-but-worth-it Standing 69, a position that encourages trust in your partner and confidence in how you'd look if the world was knocked off its axis suddenly and you had to live upside down.

    15. Parades Go By

    This song is 100%, shit-you-not, written from the perspective of a morose vampire. But what better way to pass the time contemplating an eternity of slaying innocents to survive than sucking on slit while giving a damsel a taste of your chilled beef tartare?

    14. The Death of Ferdinand de Saussure

    This treasure trove of clever narrative twists delivers everything: history, mystery, and a cunning linguist from Switzerland named Ferdinand de Saussure! "You can't use a bulldozer to study orchids," is packed with post-structuralist meaning but is mostly a helpful reminder to not get too carried away when orally tending to a woman's delicate boink blossom, especially if you're also in the ecstasy of having your tubesteak spit-seasoned too.

    13. Bitter Tears

    Merge Records / Via

    Many believe this echoey serenade to be about crying after lost love, when it is in fact, a celebration of jizz, the "bitter tears" that emerge after the sweet suckle of a good 69 is at completion.

    12. Meaningless

    Replace the 25 appearances of the word "meaningless" in this song with "cunnilingus" and no lady alive will be able to refuse an opportunity for mutual muff munching.

    11. Strange Eyes

    Pablo Picasso, Homer, and John Milton all receive nods in this electronica-influenced ditty about infatuation. What they also received was a boatload of perfectly executed 69-centric orgies during their respective heydays. Nod into each other's nooks for hours if not for pleasure, then out of respect.

    10. I Don't Want to Get Over You

    Merritt delivers another idiosyncratically upbeat tune for a breakup song in this anthem that will leave scorned lovers saying, "I may not want to get over you, but I'd still kind of get under you in the vulnerable but venerable Stacked 69 position," a classic in the genre.

    9. Love Is Like a Bottle of Gin

    Merge Records / Via

    Like biscuits with gravy or owls with graduation caps, gin is the natural companion to reciprocal face rides. The unique time signature and lyrical emphasis on indulging in vices will have young lovers mounting each other's heads before the last lyrics are sung.

    8. A Chicken With Its Head Cut Off

    This crafty country creation is about facing insurmountable obstacles, even if you're a hapless chicken with your face and head detached from your flailing body. This obvious metaphor for the inaugural 69 experience with a new buddy-in-boot-knocking is further complemented by a reference to "electric eels under the covers," which Merritt reminds us we don't have to be (but probably should be anyway).

    7. Yeah! Oh, Yeah!

    Though this song is about driving a lover insane and killing them, the repetition of "Yeah! Oh, yeah!" reminds people with otherwise vanilla taste in fuck positions what they can look forward to as they receive head and simultaneously have their faces buried deep in genitals, which many participants actually call genitals while they 69.

    6. Let's Pretend We're Bunny Rabbits

    The explosive combination of a skilled tambourinist performing alongside two bunny rabbits feasting on one another's fur burgers has been getting couples in the mood for some old-fashioned mutual meat-mauling since the album's release and has had secondary commercial success during Easter department store sales.

    5. The Night You Can't Remember

    The breezy cautionary tale about knocking up a broad while you're on leave from the Army and blackout drunk reminds listeners of a crucial life lesson: You cannot get anyone pregnant from orally exchanging crotch cream. After untold numbers of drunks assumed the 69 position after hearing this song, teen fertility rates declined markedly in cities where concept albums find an audience.

    4. Two Kinds of People

    This somber vocal treat from Stephin Merritt touches on a valuable truth: There are two kinds of people in this world. There are people who should be 69ing more often and there are people who should be 69ing way more often.

    3. Long-Forgotten Fairytale

    This 3:37 synth-pop orgasm includes an extended metaphor for a vagina that is known only in legend. According to the lyrics, the exterior is a Christmas tree, the interior is an enchanted castle, and the uterus that looks down from on high is "a floating town of eiderdown." One hundred percent guaranteed to get even aloof ladies instigating fantastical 69 scenarios.

    2. Underwear

    Chris Ritter/BuzzFeed

    The film noir answer to "It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes," this sensual sex jam explores the erotic appeal of both male and female hard bodies in their skivvies. The appeal, of course, is that you're closer to 69ing with them than if they had pants on.

    1. The Book of Love

    Considering that "the book of love" is the preferred euphemism of nice girls for their vaginas, this was bound to be No. 1. The lo-fi treasure about enduring love has been known to prompt men and women alike to spring marriage proposals on their partners, which can then be celebrated by noshing on the nerve-ending dense parts of your betrothed. The timeless tune speaks the truth that "happily ever after" is most likely to stick if you keep your beloved's sloppy nether regions enraptured... with a regular and rigorous 69, of course.