69. Epitaph for My Heart
The lyrical genius of this folky piece from the mouth and mind of Stephin Merritt may be unrivaled, but the heavy thematic elements of heartbreak and loneliness make this song better titled, "Epitaph for My (Fuck) Part" for it's mopey, boner-killing properties. While one technically can 69 without a boner present, it is near impossible to find a partner with a predilection for choking on elephantine gummy snacks through silent sobs.
68. How Fucking Romantic
A capella is one of the most potent antidotes against lubricating naturally, drying up vaginal vaults and stopping countless 69 sessions long before they begin. The track saves itself from being dead last with the line, "Don't forget to feed your bear or it'll die," a clear public service announcement about naughty nutrition for the bearded, brawny set.
It is a fact of biology that zebras love licking each other's skinstruments almost as much as they love outwitting predators with their sneaky zigzag markings. But this list is not called, "'69 Love Songs Ranked By How Much They Get Zebra Genitals Stoked for Oral."
65. My Only Friend
A song depressing enough to not only wilt a hard-on but for it cause the flaccid thing to develop a visible frown. Lady caves have reportedly produced real human tears when the song is merely hummed. The enemy of 69ers everywhere.
64. My Sentimental Melody
The fan organ heard alongside LD Beghtol's vocals is the only organ being stimulated in a 69-mile radius of this slightly saccharine farewell.
63. Love is Like Jazz
Love may be like jazz, but 69ing is like rock 'n fucking roll. This cacophonous ditty just doesn't orally inspire many people.
62. The Way You Say Good-Night
61. Fido, Your Leash Is Too Long
This playful retelling of the experience of a poorly behaved hound that was always barging in on his owner's 69ing adventures right before he was about to share an earth-shattering climax with his partner. It is upbeat but not especially arousing.
60. All My Little Words
This song of longing gave us the word, "unboyfriendable" and should primarily be listened to in the aftermath of a breakup when 69ing is not recommended by physicians.
59. Love in the Shadows
This eerily seductive haunt of a song is at No. 1 on the list, "69 Love Songs Ranked According to How Abundantly Clear it Is That They're About Discreetly Fucking in Public," but is unremarkable as a song for when you're making a snatch sandwich and getting your groin juice guzzled.
58. I Can't Touch You Anymore
"You want to tell me 50 ways you've left your lovers / You want to tell me how you loved 200 others," are lines that invoke both jealousy and a desire for group sex, neither of which is conducive to a classic and productive 69 experience.
57. Washington, D.C.
The promising romp with vocals from Claudia Gonson kicks off with a cheer and shouts out the nation's capital, home to elected officials who are as committed to orally pleasing you as they are to upholding the Constitution. Which is to say, not at all.
56. Acoustic Guitar
Few sights cause a 69 plan to self-sabotage more than than when your fuck friend wields one of these hollowed-out Hades sirens in public. Involuntary vaginal clenching occurs and boners retreat into the lower abdomen on sight. "For the deep throat skills to come out and play, the acoustic guitar must be put away," is the new mantra of dorm-dwellers seeking to 69 anywhere and everywhere.
55. Punk Love
Though there are few things more punk rock than deep-sea diving in the damp depths of a diddle dungeon during a dick dampening of your own, this cacophonous throwaway is too short to penetrate hearts or other organs sufficiently.
54. I Don't Believe in the Sun
53. No One Will Ever Love You
Rumored to be directed at a philandering champion of the fine art of the 69 by the only woman who ever loved him for his heart rather than his tongue, the slightly accusatory nature of the song puts a damper on your damp parts before you even consider getting going.
52. Xylophone Track
This blues-inspired desperation track is a man reading his will to his mother as he clings to life. A reference to playing "ribs like a xylophone" has parallels to thoughts about "playing the skinflute," but they're disrupted by the stiffy-stunting sadness of Merritt's voice.
51. Queen of the Savages
Though the ukelele's signature sound is a known aphrodisiac, the reference to "yams and cabbages" in the first verse cancels it out due to these vegetables' notoriety for causing bloating and gas, notorious buzzkills to the thrill of a sensual 69.
50. I'm Sorry I Love You
The bittersweet apology song about unrequited gully-yodeling-for-two is dressed up as a rose metaphor and has a great hook. But without hope for a promising 69 in the singer's future, the song doesn't inspire others to disrobe and dig into the reproductive rec room of their partners.
49. For We Are the King of the Boudoir
This is an olden-timey song about sexually demanding French royalty who were well-documented as preferring anal to oral. Excellent mandolin work appears on this track but it fails to compel listeners to pucker up to play their partner's piccolo.
48. Kiss Me Like You Mean It
The gentleness of this devotional disguises the fact that it is actually about a bondage and domination relationship. B&D partnerships are not traditionally associated with a huge amount of suh-weet 69 action but, to be explicit for just a moment, songs about kissing are all actually about climaxing inside someone's mouth with your taint in full view.
47. Boa Constrictor
Vocals by Shirley Simms are convincing in their claims of a constricted heart, but the reptilian references are oddly at odds with fantasies of unleashing a trouser snake in your food hole during synchronized sex-by-mouth.
46. Abigail Belle of Kilronan
This earnest ballad about separated lovers during wartime paints a vivid picture of a young Irish couple in love. But nowhere in that portrait is any evidence that their 69 game was on point. However, the name "Abigail" means "good in discretion and beautiful in form" so she is likely not letting it slip that they slipped their junk into each others' maws the night before he reported for duty.
45. The Things We Did and Didn't Do
This melancholy reflection on regret was written from the perspective of a man who had never asked for the 69 he always dreamed of from his long-gone lover. But by his despairing example, others have been emboldened to ask for what they want, which is almost always to 69.
44. When My Boy Walks Down The Street
43. Time Enough for Rocking When We're Old
This meditation on the resignation that comes with growing old has a music box feel though it unfortunately casts aside the needs of another kind of box. "There'll be time enough for sex and drugs in Heaven / When our pheromones are turned up to 11," is a cruel refusal to indulge carnal desire in this mortal world. The only 69 in the old couple's life was the year of the moon landing, which they celebrated in missionary with the lights out, utterly silent.
42. The One You Really Love
Nothing puts a frown on a maiden's vertical smile like the thought of her piece in love with another, but this duet about a surprise corpse-fucker* of some kind is more of a general downer than specifically aimed at softening his skinflute right before a stellar 69 session.
*Things become strange in the song's last line
41. Very Funny
The abrupt ending on this short orchestral number is the musical equivalent of premature ejaculation during an otherwise smooth ride down Route 69. An unscheduled splooge is not only disappointing, it is dangerous during a 69 situation when uvulas are not positioned optimally for a load, hardly a laughing matter.
40. If You Don't Cry
This is a synth-pop dedication to the phenomenon of orgasmic tears, a normal but sometimes embarrassing outburst in weeping usually associated with a vigorous 69 between college roommates turned lovers.
39. Grand Canyon
This tender and sprawling appeal for unconditional love makes an apt reference to Paul Bunyan, the lumberjack of legend who, the story goes, dragged his giant ax across the Earth to create the Grand Canyon. Whether a dame thinks of her parts as canyon or ax wound, the vision of unexplored, earthen terrain will open her mind to the majestic 69 for which her decadent orifice has always yearned.
38. You're My Only Home
A meandering love song. Written by mouths, for genitals. With moderate success at getting people to 69.
37. (Crazy for You But) Not That Crazy
Catchiness outweighs lyrical clarity in this electronic bop-around, which is great, since feeling crazy in a fun way makes you want to 69 like it's the last day on Earth.
36. Papa Was a Rodeo
35. How to Say Goodbye
Unfortunately, this is not a sung instructional manual on appropriately bidding farewell by flip-flopping into a sultry 69. It is about when your former piece gets married, an experience where respondents are almost evenly split between "I would want to do nothing but 69 with strangers for a year" and "I would probably never be able to 69 again."
34. Promises of Eternity
A successful 69 requires that participants be fully in the moment, so this song is a big wet blanket drying up genital moisture with its spastic future-tripping about the literal rest of time.
33. Absolutely Cuckoo
The first track on the album is a reflection on both the early stages of love and on madness, two of the ripest conditions for an exploration of simultaneous suckling. The "proceed with caution" attitude about 69ing helps listeners strike a balance, landing this melody right in the middle of this groundbreaking countdown.
32. Nothing Matters When We're Dancing
Originally ranking at an irrelevant No. 59, experts found that replacing all of the repetitions of "dance" and "dancing" with "69" and "69ing" caused substantially more blood to flow to the bathing suit parts of study participants, moving this pitter-pattering display of affection for one's "dance" partner and lover up the list.
31. Blue You
Avoid the question, "Who knew I blew you to 'Blue You'?" by keeping tight-lipped about your 69 game during this unsettling but dreamy lullaby of a love song.
30. I Think I Need a New Heart
Told from the perspective of someone whose constant and overwhelming desire to 69 is alienating him from people and feelings, this danceable track is both pep talk and warning against the dangers of valuing your accumulated 69ing memories over dynamic and accountable human relationships.
29. Asleep and Dreaming
The twinkling star of love songs, this gentle tune is better suited to post-coital sleepy spooning than slobbery 69 situations in the sack. However, a trend in uncoordinated but rapturous 69ing during Ambien-induced waking sleep was noted for participants especially drawn to this tender lullaby.
28. Reno Dakota
27. World Love
"Love music wine and revolution," all sound appealing in this fluttering acknowledgment of cultural appropriation in pop music, but everyone with a lick of sense knows that "Love music wine and 69ing" is the more effective recipe to remedy ennui.
26. I Shatter
Sung in the voice of Lord Trinitron, a sentient robot who learned to love but who would malfunction at any encounter with moisture and grew to be a malcontent, this cello-lead tearjerker has something of a carpe diem effect on human audiences who 69 in gratitude for the blessing of being made of organic material.
25. Experimental Music Love
A game-changing recording made from the inside of a vagina being hummed into mid-cunillingus, the track made headlines in the audio technology world but did little to inspire couples to mix things up with a double-header.
24. It's a Crime
This deceptively simple "Swedish Reggae" track tells the tragic tale of a man too spineless ("jellyfish") to give or receive oral sex ("I didn't listen cause my brain [emphasis mine] was missing") while simultaneously taking a subtle dig at the criminalization of sodomy, a scourge on 69 enthusiasts. It serves more as "protest-cum-fable" than "parallel cum feast."
23. The Luckiest Guy on the Lower East Side
22. Wi' Nae Wee Bairn Ye'll Me Beget
The well-known adage, "No one fucks a face while getting their face fucked better than the good people of Scotland," is widely considered to be the inspiration for this infectious romp that draws on Scottish folk tradition.
21. A Pretty Girl Is Like...
20. Busby Berkeley Dreams
The 20th-century visionary whose name is dropped in this song title was responsible for choreographing group dance sequences that would come together into complex geometric patterns. If you did not come to the conclusion on your own that a giant dancing "69" would be a sublime contribution to society, please exit this countdown immediately.
19. Come Back From San Francisco
Before it was the proud home of the 49ers, San Fran was the informal destination for expert 69ers. Pleading, "Come back from San Francisco / and kiss me, I've quit smoking / I miss doing the wild thing with you," the horny but gentle singer is relatable to seasoned snatch snackers and newbie nut nibblers alike.
18. The Cactus Where Your Heart Should Be
A 1917 Marxophone was brought in to match the lyrical prickliness of the orchestration on this simple song about lingering thirst for ones that have wronged you. Because such scoundrels often make the best candidates for cleaning out your conjugal crevices, this cracks the top 20.
17. Sweet-Lovin' Man
Synthesizers and female vocals go together like mouths and sex organs, so this catchy-as-all-hell ode to good men compels lots of people to text up the sweetest man in their life to trade orally induced orgasms and follow up with a tender embrace and haiku reflection.
16. The Sun Goes Down and the World Goes Dancing
15. Parades Go By
This song is 100%, shit-you-not, written from the perspective of a morose vampire. But what better way to pass the time contemplating an eternity of slaying innocents to survive than sucking on slit while giving a damsel a taste of your chilled beef tartare?
14. The Death of Ferdinand de Saussure
This treasure trove of clever narrative twists delivers everything: history, mystery, and a cunning linguist from Switzerland named Ferdinand de Saussure! "You can't use a bulldozer to study orchids," is packed with post-structuralist meaning but is mostly a helpful reminder to not get too carried away when orally tending to a woman's delicate boink blossom, especially if you're also in the ecstasy of having your tubesteak spit-seasoned too.
13. Bitter Tears
Replace the 25 appearances of the word "meaningless" in this song with "cunnilingus" and no lady alive will be able to refuse an opportunity for mutual muff munching.
11. Strange Eyes
Pablo Picasso, Homer, and John Milton all receive nods in this electronica-influenced ditty about infatuation. What they also received was a boatload of perfectly executed 69-centric orgies during their respective heydays. Nod into each other's nooks for hours if not for pleasure, then out of respect.
10. I Don't Want to Get Over You
Merritt delivers another idiosyncratically upbeat tune for a breakup song in this anthem that will leave scorned lovers saying, "I may not want to get over you, but I'd still kind of get under you in the vulnerable but venerable Stacked 69 position," a classic in the genre.
9. Love Is Like a Bottle of Gin
8. A Chicken With Its Head Cut Off
This crafty country creation is about facing insurmountable obstacles, even if you're a hapless chicken with your face and head detached from your flailing body. This obvious metaphor for the inaugural 69 experience with a new buddy-in-boot-knocking is further complemented by a reference to "electric eels under the covers," which Merritt reminds us we don't have to be (but probably should be anyway).
7. Yeah! Oh, Yeah!
Though this song is about driving a lover insane and killing them, the repetition of "Yeah! Oh, yeah!" reminds people with otherwise vanilla taste in fuck positions what they can look forward to as they receive head and simultaneously have their faces buried deep in genitals, which many participants actually call genitals while they 69.
6. Let's Pretend We're Bunny Rabbits
The explosive combination of a skilled tambourinist performing alongside two bunny rabbits feasting on one another's fur burgers has been getting couples in the mood for some old-fashioned mutual meat-mauling since the album's release and has had secondary commercial success during Easter department store sales.
5. The Night You Can't Remember
The breezy cautionary tale about knocking up a broad while you're on leave from the Army and blackout drunk reminds listeners of a crucial life lesson: You cannot get anyone pregnant from orally exchanging crotch cream. After untold numbers of drunks assumed the 69 position after hearing this song, teen fertility rates declined markedly in cities where concept albums find an audience.
4. Two Kinds of People
This somber vocal treat from Stephin Merritt touches on a valuable truth: There are two kinds of people in this world. There are people who should be 69ing more often and there are people who should be 69ing way more often.
3. Long-Forgotten Fairytale
This 3:37 synth-pop orgasm includes an extended metaphor for a vagina that is known only in legend. According to the lyrics, the exterior is a Christmas tree, the interior is an enchanted castle, and the uterus that looks down from on high is "a floating town of eiderdown." One hundred percent guaranteed to get even aloof ladies instigating fantastical 69 scenarios.
1. The Book of Love
Considering that "the book of love" is the preferred euphemism of nice girls for their vaginas, this was bound to be No. 1. The lo-fi treasure about enduring love has been known to prompt men and women alike to spring marriage proposals on their partners, which can then be celebrated by noshing on the nerve-ending dense parts of your betrothed. The timeless tune speaks the truth that "happily ever after" is most likely to stick if you keep your beloved's sloppy nether regions enraptured... with a regular and rigorous 69, of course.