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51 Thoughts You Have When You're Not Going Home For Christmas

Deck the halls with whatever the hell you want!

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1. Well hello, most wonderful time of the year!

2. Hello to the time of carols and miracles and goodwill toward men!

3. And women!

4. The time when sleigh bells ring and children sing!

5. The time when even the coldest hearts are melted by the warm merrymaking and good cheer of Christmas magic!

6. I better book my flight home to celebrate with my family and high school friends who 7. I hardly know as we advance in years in an endless march toward decay and death.

8.Holy Mother of the Baby Jesus, these tickets are more overpriced than frankincense!

9. I won't be able to buy gifts if I fly home!

10. Though my presence at home is kind of a gift itself.

11. That's what Mom always says she wants most for Christmas.

12. Even though I think she really wants Groupon gift cards more.

13. Ugh, and then there's the cost of hiring someone to keep my cat alive…

14. And traveling around Christmas is such a nightmare.

15. I guess I could just not go home.

16. That seems like a weird thing to do though.

17. The vulgar habit of prodigal sons and wayward daughters.

18. Not something that an upstanding citizen like me does.

19. But Christmas alone does sound kind of appealing.

20. No doing dishes or having to dodge questions about waning fertility.

21. I can binge-watch Christmas movies!

22. And listen to cool Christmas music instead of Mom Christmas music.

23. There is only so much Celine Dion that one ultra-cool person can take.

24. I can get takeout!

25. A lovely cheese pizza, just for me!

26. Oh my God, Christmas is going to be amazing!

27. ...but there's something comforting and familiar about doing dishes after Christmas dinner.

28. And I'm allowed to binge-watch Christmas movies at home anyway.

29. And who the hell am I kidding about Celine Dion?

30. I can never get enough of the Spry Miracle of Québec.

31. Voice of an angel, that one.

32. Know who else has the voice of an angel?

33. My parents.

34. And my siblings.

35. And my high school friends with whom I have little in common but a bluntly painful yearning for innocence to which we can never return.

36. And Gary the Goon, the head of the town mafia.

37. And Creepy Craig, the local madman!

38. Wow, my town is kind of weird.

39. I guess it's good that I'm not going home.

40. I'm a grown-ass adult and I can start my own traditions!

41. I can invite friends over.

42. And we can be family to each other.

43. And make merriment!

44. And spiked eggnog!

45. Some of us can make out under some bootleg mistletoe and put it all on Instagram.

46. That's what Christmas is all about!

47. About merrymaking, not about Instagram.

48. I'm definitely not going home for Christmas, I have a party to host!

49. First stop: iTunes Store.

50. Celine Dion: These are Special Times: Purchased.

51. It really is the most wonderful time of the year.