13 Of The Least Sexy "50 Shades Of Grey" Inspired Items For Sale

And you thought the books were in poor taste.

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2. This is a duvet covered in verbs and the word "whale."

Via cafepress.com

If you're ever at a loss for what kind of kinky stuff you and your partner should do at night, this duvet can help! It will put you out $188 and does not include the belts, whips, canes, cuffs, or the inexplicable whale that you'll need to get freaky, but it is a great jumping off point when you're stuck in a sex rut.

3. Ugh, everyone knows that Barbie is the only appropriate children's toy to make into a pervert.

Via vermontteddybear.com

For $89.99, you get a teddy bear in a cheap and ill-fitting suit whose got kink gear that you can't even use because it is toy-sized. Also, Christian Grey would never go barefoot like some peasant.

4. This mug will let everyone know that you're criminally negligent about BDSM and about basic graphic design.

Via etsy.com

This $7.99 mug alerts potential partners that your idea of a good time is kinky play that doesn't involve boooooring discussions of boundaries or consent!

5. But what if Christian Grey demands that you calm the fuck down, huh?

Via etsy.com

If you're a true Christian Grey fan, you do whatever the hell your Dom tells you (within the limits you two have set forth in a straightforward conversation you have had about boundaries, please.) For the $22.99 that this shirt costs, you could get a decent book about real D/s relationships.

6. No one wants to hear your baby's conception story, even if it has a literary theme.

Via etsy.com

This $8.00 bookmark reads "9 months ago Mommy read 50 shades of grey." In addition to brazenly ignoring the rules of title capitalization, the item is confusing. Is it a bookmark for a newborn infant that can read? The world may never know.

7. If you're going to broadcast your sexual preferences on a cell phone case, be more specific.

Via etsy.com

"Crazy" to some people means you like light bondage, to other people it means you like to wear suits made of human skin. Let's get down to brass tacks if you're going to charge $14.99 to overshare. Also, the handcuffs on this cell phone case completely defeat the restraining purpose of handcuffs with that long chain. Also, what kind of sorcery is this having the text going vertically on a cell phone case?

8. You can't just go around cavalierly naming generations!

Via etsy.com

This $30.00 t-shirt is the height of hubristic entitlement. Seriously, people are still fighting over whether it is "Millennials" or "millennials" and you want to go around naming the next generation after fictional men in poorly-researched erotica.

10. Like having sex with a countertop and a mood ring all at once!

Via etsy.com

The LeLuv Shades of Grey Dildo Heat Activated Color Changing 6 Inch 3D Printed promises to come in "all fifty shades of grey" which literally means it changes colors as your body temperature changes like some sort of pornographic mood ring. The description claims that these hand-polished dildos have a "silky smooth finish that is reminiscent of lacquered marble" for those of us that secretly want to have sex with kitchen counters from the 1990s.

11. Let's not reward people who attempt to make their fortunes in parody erotic cookbooks.

CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform / Via amazon.com

Well, you can reward that kind of behavior for about $12.00 on Amazon but surely there are pork aficionados who have made better use of word play.

12. But let's not reward sanctimonious finger-wagging biblical responses either.

Via amazon.com

There is a lot that would improve 50 Shade of Grey but this 50-day devotional response guide probably isn't contributing to it. That's right, they want you to take longer than the flood that destroyed the world to reflect on it. There are better uses of your time and your guilt.