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The Ultimate Guide To Dominating A Date

In five easy steps.

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1. Make an entrance

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First impressions are the most important as most men will decide if they love you or not within the first ten seconds. Any amount of time longer indicates that he probably isn't a real man but rather three small boys stacked up underneath a trench coat (which is fine for some but I, personally, have standards and all of them involve a man having just one body).

So how do you walk into a room and capture a man's heart in ten seconds? You don't. You kick down the door with your steel-toed work boots (you can never be too safe on a date) while being carried in by four greased up hunks you rented off of Craigslist. This will prove to him that you are, a) The most fun, b) Too rich to walk on your own two legs (because we all know that walking is for poor people), c) Internet savvy and d) Hot enough to score four hunks but confident enough to seek out something better. Entrance dominated.

3. Talk about your exes

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And do it as much as possible. There's nothing a man loves more than hearing about the men who came before them. Guys love a woman who "has a hard time trusting men" because men love a good challenge and what could be more challenging than trying to earn the trust of a woman he just met on a first date? Make sure you don't leave out any of the juicy details about smashing your ex's car with a bat or how you posted his dick pics online with the caption "HERPES HEADQUARTERS".

4. Be possessive

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Men want to feel owned by their women which means you need to throw your logic out the window and throw your fists into the face of any woman that looks his way. If the waitress asks his order, punch her. If an old lady smiles politely as you both walk by, punch her. If you meet his mother and she so much as whispers his name, punch her. It's the only way to show your man that you care.