Which Derby Horse Should You Bet On?

Happy (almost) Derby Day everyone! Let's all put on silly hats and win some fucking money!

Question #1

What do you look for in a horse?

• Alliteration!
• A super-cool Mom.
• Self-righetousness.
• Thrift.
• Jewishness.
• Pomposity.
• A taste of the jungle.
• Kittens!
• Feminism.
• A way to make fun of the Irish.
• Girliness.
• A way to get from here to there.
• A super-slutty Mom.
• A Rorschach test.
• Discretion.
• Awesomeness.
• Another way to make fun of the Irish.
• Sass.
• Street cred.
• Sugar content.

Question #1

What do you look for in a horse?

• Alliteration!
• A super-cool Mom.
• Self-righetousness.
• Thrift.
• Jewishness.
• Pomposity.
• A taste of the jungle.
• Kittens!
• Feminism.
• A way to make fun of the Irish.
• Girliness.
• A way to get from here to there.
• A super-slutty Mom.
• A Rorschach test.
• Discretion.
• Awesomeness.
• Another way to make fun of the Irish.
• Sass.
• Street cred.
• Sugar content.

Question #2

What do you enjoy most about Derby Day?

• Winning.
• Impressing people with your horse knowledge.
• Chasing your dream.
• Watching other people lose money.
• Celebrating your Jewish heritage.
• Hobknobbing with other Southern aristrocrats.
• Scaring everyone with your fierce racing trash talk.
• Telling other people about your cats.
• Breaking glass (ceilings).
• Drinking whiskey.
• Wearing Lily Pulitzer.
• Being the boring person in the corner.
• Watching your mom get drunk and flirt with younger men.
• Slurring your words.
• Carrying a mint julep flask.
• Looking awesome in seersucker.
• Discussing the merits of whiskey versus bourbon until you puke.
• Getting in a drunk screaming match with your significant other.
• Wearing your Derby hat (and everything else) backwards.
• Bingeing on Key Lime Pie.

Your Quiz Result:

Lookin At Lucky

You're the favored horse! Your odds are 3-1.

Your Quiz Result:

Ice Box

Your odds are 10-1, but your trainer is Mr. Hot Shot (and your mom's name is Tabasco Cat.) Fingers crossed.

Your Quiz Result:

Noble's Promise

You have a stupid name, but you're a consistent racer! Your odds are 12-1.

Your Quiz Result:

Super Saver

You're a bargain, with odds of 15-1.

Your Quiz Result:

Line Of David

You're the Chosen Horse! Except for your odds, which are 30-1.

Your Quiz Result:

Stately Victor

Your name is sort of a lie! (Your odds are 30-1.)

Your Quiz Result:

American Lion

I am a horse with 30-1 odds, hear me roar. (This is one of the "better" horse names this year, for what it's worth.)

Your Quiz Result:

Dean's Kitten

Kittens!!!! Your odds are 50-1.

Your Quiz Result:

Make Music For Me

Your horse might have the first female trainer to ever win the Derby! (Except for the 50-1 odds.)

Your Quiz Result:

Paddy O'Prado

You have the Luck O' The Irish! Which you will need with 20-1 odds.

Your Quiz Result:

Devil May Care

You're the girl horse!! Your odds are 10-1.

Your Quiz Result:

Conveyance

Your odds are 12-1. You are pretty much the dullest horse in the race.

Your Quiz Result:

Jackson Bend

Your mother's name was Sexy Stockings. That is awesome. (Odds are 15-1, sorry.)

Your Quiz Result:

Mission Impazible

Your name makes ZERO sense. Your odds are 20-1.

Your Quiz Result:

Discreetly Mine

You will probably discreetly lose, with odds of 30-1.

Your Quiz Result:

Awesome Act

Your odds are 10-1, which is not quite awesome, but not too bad, either.

Your Quiz Result:

Dublin

Do it for the home country! (Your odds are 12-1.)

Your Quiz Result:

Backtalk

That attitude is not getting you anywhere, sir. (Your odds are 50-1.)

Your Quiz Result:

Homeboykris

You have the ONLY enjoyable name in the field, which means all the drunk kids will certainly bet on you, even though your odds are 50-1.

Your Quiz Result:

Sidney's Candy

You're the second favorite, with 5-1 odds.