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    24 Tweets About Kids That'll Make Every Parent Die Of Laughter

    "Can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?"


    i ask my toddler what's in the box she's holding. "chaos!" she replies. "chaos! chaos!" i know she's trying to say "crayons," but it's not like she's wrong.


    8yo: Mom, will you put ketchup on my hotdog? Me: You’re old enough to do it yourself. 8yo:


    6yo: *staring at T-shirt* If these are arm holes, and this is the neck hole...Is this big one the butt hole?


    dad: "come on, you guys are LATE!!!!" 11yo: "you should have started YELLING at us earlier!"


    I was knitting on the subway and a 4 year old girl sitting next to me asked about my knitting and i told her i always knit on the subway and she said “so u sleep here??????” Then she licked the subway window and said “everyone is afraid of something”


    toddler: I’m really high friend: me: friend: me: He means tall


    Toddler: MOM I POOPED ON THE POTTY Me: good job! Toddler: AND NOT ON MY UNDIES Me: i’m proud of you Toddler: AND NOT ON MY PANTS Me: great Toddler: AND NOT ON THE TOOTHBRUSHES Me: wait what


    I was arguing with my husband and my son screamed "yay! TWO christmases!" from the other room.


    [coaching little league] KID: did I do good today,coach ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden


    Just asked my 7 y.o. if I could be the person who chooses the hangman word and she said, “no. You already had your childhood.”


    Me: I’m leaving for work I’ll see you later 5yo: have a good day daddy I love you! 3yo: *crying* bye phone


    10: Mom what's a metaphor? Me: My life is a train wreck. 10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?


    me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say? toddler: Finally


    “If you want to flood your house with blood, you’d need a *lot* of people,” said my 5 year old with a shrug over dinner tonight



    My 5 year old niece saw the blue deer on my shirt and was like “awww it’s a boy deer!” I took the opportunity to be like “Or it can be a girl deer! Girls like blue too, Olivia” She stared at me and was like “I said it’s a boy because it has antlers.” Take my degree away now.


    Me: “See this? It’s a fossil of a fish that lived FIFTY MILLION YEARS AGO!” 7yo: “So you were almost born then, right?”


    [At dinner] Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat? Me: Probably like 90% D: So it's 10% balls? Me: *spits out food*


    6-year-old: Can I please have carrots and ranch? Server: We don’t have any carrots. 6-year-old: I’ll have the ranch. Thanks. *hands her the menu*


    4: What did I earn for being good today? Me: My love and affection. 4: [cries] I don't want that!


    My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: "can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?"


    My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn't, that she is a toddler. She replied, "No, I'm a grown up. I'm going to touch knives."


    Me: Can you guys cooperate if I take you to the store? 5yo: Do we have to decide right now?


    I cut the crust off my daughter's PB&J and I swear to god I heard her whisper that I'm her bitch now.