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35 Dating And Sex Tweets From The Last Decade That Are Just As Funny As They Are Accurate

"Almost 22 years ago, two people had sex and now I have to go to work every day."

1.

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

2.

posting a sc story for 1 specific person to see is the modern day equivalent of gatsby hosting elaborate parties in hopes that daisy attends

3.

My perfect date? We meet at a gala. I am wearing a black gown and you’re dressed in a tuxedo. After we dance, you leave suddenly. I follow you outside. You’ve stolen the Declaration of Independence. You’re Nicholas Cage. This is National Treasure

4.

Shower sex? why would I fuck in my crying chamber

5.

british people be having sex like: mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

6.

7.

when you’re waiting for him to pass you the towel https://t.co/Fs4QyUQ6Gk

8.

me waking up my man at 3am for dick

9.

Me after trying pussy for the first time

10.

almost 22 years ago 2 people had sex and now i have to go to work everyday

11.

me during sex: hurt me them: you were never that smart you just were good at reading as a child so you were given special attention and it gave you a complex me: wait- them: you don’t try at school because youre convinced ur natural intellect will save you but u don’t have it

12.

Romance: During lovemaking you ask your gf to put her finger in your butt. She does & when she pulls it out there's an engagement ring on it

13.

Men will literally nut 💦 45 seconds into sex and then have the audacity to ask if you came? 🤔🙄 YEAH I CAME.. TO THE WRONG GAWDDAMN HOUSE! 🤦🏽‍♂️🙄😩

14.

[watching porn] I hope they stay together

15.

16.

eating ass for the first time:

17.

high school boys need to chill with weird expectations for girls like what are you bringing to the table oh right a bucket hat

18.

if you dating a white guy you're single to me. tf Matt gonna do, start a podcast?

19.

i’m FAR from catching feelings me 📍 📏 (2 steps) 📏 📍planning a wedding

20.

What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates: 1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.

21.

I dead ass ate pineapples for a month and this boy told me my pussy tasted like cheetos sooo y'all lying out here

22.

me: Let me slip into something more uncomfortable. him: Uncomfortable? me (getting naked): Yes.

23.

If she’s making eye contact while slowly putting her hair in a ponytail you’re either going to die or get a blow job.

24.

25.

your dating profile: i LOVE adventures me: sounds like i'd have to do stuff. next-->

26.

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents] "Hi, I usually don't make it this far"

27.

dating in high school: lets make out dating in college: lets get drunk and make out dating as an adult: lets do our best to not die alone

28.

29.

If there's a sock on my doorknob it means I'm having sex with the other one.

30.

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] "Go on without me"

31.

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I'll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

32.

My favorite festive sex position is "the ornament"; its when someone barely touches me and I fall and emotionally shatter into 100 pieces

33.

Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba

34.

After I orgasm, I yell "Aaaaand scene." Then I push him off me, throw him his clothes while holding the door open& say "Ummm. We'll call u."

35.

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo... it’s a good movie smh

#Tweets