Recently, Reddit user u/bartertownbeer asked other Redditors, "What is the fastest you have ever seen a new co-worker get fired?"
And the replies had me both gasping and cackling:
1. Dropping a bowling ball on a patron's foot:
"As a teenager, I worked at a bowling alley. Within an hour, a new girl was fired on the spot for dropping a ball on the foot of a complaining patron."
2. Doing drugs in front of customers:
"I worked at a chain restaurant. A new server, aged mid-thirties, was fired on his third day mid-shift. Why? The dude went into the public restrooms, while other guests were clearly in there using the urinals, and started doing lines of blow on the edge of the sink."
3. Peeing in the boss's Jeep:
"He didn't like the boss and on the first day, he took a piss in the gas tank of his Jeep. He bragged about it and it was recorded too."
4. Removing the elastic bands from a lobster's claws:
"I worked in a grocery store for a while. A new guy took a lobster out of the tank and removed the elastic bands on its claws, then proceeded to put it back in the tank. The thing murdered all the other lobsters in the tank."
—professorglock
5. Stealing coworkers' money on the first day:
"I work construction. We had two new hires that were friends starting the same day. The boss told one to take a coffee order and come back. He took everyone's money and said he needed his friend to go with him cause it was a big order. They never came back."
6. Trying to sneak out crab legs in their pants:
"A 19-year-old kid got hired to work the seafood counter. I saw him twice and then never again. A coworker told me he had closed the seafood section one night and was walking out of the store when the five pounds of crab legs he'd stuffed down the back of his pants fell out in front of the closing manager."
7. Watching porn on the work computer:
"I was hired to do tech support in a call center. On our first day of training, the instructor said it was okay to use the computer for personal stuff during down time, but the only rules were no games and no porn. One guy got fired before lunchtime because he just couldn't resist the porn."
8. Selling weed on the job:
"This guy got fired in one week. I said bye to him for lunch on Thursday (his first day was Monday) and when I came back he wasn't there. Eventually, the next week rolled around and when I asked a manager, he told me the dude got fired for trying to sell weed while on his lunch break."
9. Accidentally cursing at the CEO:
"First day of work, he walked in, said, 'What the fuck is up dumbass?' to the guy that parked next to his new Camaro he bought since he got hired. The guy was the CEO of the company I used to work for, on visit to our branch. Literally 10 minutes into his shift, he was signing release papers."
10. Throwing cabbage at a customer:
"Three hours into the first shift, this guy was fired. He lost it serving an annoying customer in a grocery shop and threw a cabbage at her. The manager came and told him to go home. It was an entertaining day."
11. Sleeping through meetings:
"This guy slept through two meetings on his first day. The second meeting, he started snoring."
—xsited1
12. Being high AF on the job:
"This guy got hired and on his first day on the floor, he disappeared for three hours and then came back high as fuck on hard drugs. A manager found him in the bathroom aisle, staring at himself in the mirror. Said manager looked at the cameras after firing him. The guy was there staring at himself for at least 30 minutes."
13. Getting caught lying about needing to go home:
"This girl was fired in about four hours. We started working at a grocery store on the same day. During training, she asked to go home and said her head hurt. She clocked out, went to grab a grocery cart, and started filling it with beer and liquor. The store manager walked over, and asked her if she was having a party. She said, 'Yes.' Didn't even try to come up with an excuse. He fired her."
14. Not showing up until the fourth day:
"He didn't show up the first day, second day, or third day. I had to work a double shift for three days straight. I answered the phone when he finally 'called in' on the fourth day. He said, 'I'm going to be honest with you, I've been in Orlando. My parents paid for a small vacation as a reward for getting the job. Would it be okay to start next week instead of this week?'"
15. Lying about a family member being in a car accident:
"I worked at a fast food place. We had a new girl start and on her third day of work she said she couldn't come in because her mom was in a car accident and in the hospital. Turns out that's an easy thing to disprove in a relatively small town."
16. Missing a shift and then showing up later with friends:
"There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, and she had to fill it for him. A few hours into his shift, the dude SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot."
17. Showing up on the days they felt like it:
"No joke, there was a guy who started at the same time as me, didn't show up to work for his first three days. When he came in on his fourth day and the manager confronted him about it, this guy replied, 'I saw my work days, but I thought I could come in whenever I wanted to?'"
18. And just not doing their job at all:
"I hired a housekeeper. She was taking forever to clean each room. I walked in on her sitting cross legged on the floor in front of the TV with her finger up her nose."
Note: Responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.