We recently asked the gay members of the BuzzFeed Community to share their stories about coming out after they'd been in a heterosexual marriage. Here are some of their stories:
Warning: This post contains mentions of sexual abuse:
1. "I grew up in a conservative family. My parents set me up with a man and I was essentially forced to marry him under the threat of being disowned. After two years of a terrible marriage, I found out he was cheating and that was the best thing that happened to me. I was able to use this as an excuse to get a divorce along with sympathy from my and his family. I finally grew the courage to come out and was unsurprisingly disowned by my entire family. Coming out was the best decision I’ve ever made. Now I live with my amazing girlfriend of four years with our two lovely cats. We got engaged a month ago!"
—Anonymous
2. "I knew I was gay, but where I grew up it was not OK to be gay, so I hid in my imaginary closet too scared to come out for fear that I would be beaten up and rejected. So I got married, not once but twice. Both marriages lasted about four years. The first marriage was without children. I tried so hard not to be gay. I confessed to a pastor and was told I need to be accountable to him. I was seeing a guy after my first marriage ended and I was told I needed to break up with him. I needed to be in church every time the church was open. I needed to attend a daily prayer group. I met with this pastor every Tuesday after prayer group for a two-hour bible study. And at least 2-4 times in a two-year period, I would fast for three days and then have Satan cast out of me by two pastors."
"Then I met my second wife at church one day. She was beautiful and definitely out of my league. We quickly got married and had our first child. I was trying so hard to be straight, but marriage is difficult especially when married to someone that you do not desire. In that marriage, my wife and I created two beautiful kids. We divorced when they were 3 and 1 years old. I finally came out when I was about 42 years old and my kids were 8 and 5 years old."
—Anonymous
3. "I was in an open marriage and I was experimenting with women. I had a few that I dated or hooked up with and then I fell hard for this one woman. After being with her, everything changed. Slowly, I realized I’d been gay forever and all the signs were there. I ended up divorcing my husband (who took it all well). I’m now married to an incredible woman and we have a one-year-old boy who is everything. I feel so much more like myself now."
—Anonymous
4. "I tried to get married and ignore my sexuality my whole life. I’ve known since I was like 6 that I liked women. I initially came out as bisexual because that, to me, seemed more accepted. I was terrified of coming out. It wasn’t until about 10 months after I became I widow that I came out as a lesbian. Today I am in a committed throuple and thriving."
—Anonymous
5. "I was in a heterosexual marriage for 28 years. I ended the relationship and realized why I was never interested in sex with him. I began dating my now fiancée in July 2020. She gets me and now there is not just a sexual attraction but also someone who is interested in me and who I am I’m interested in too. My two children from my first marriage, who happened to be gay, were both very supportive and are thrilled that I’m finally happy. My ex, I haven’t spoken with since the divorce."
—Anonymous
6. "I didn't fully accept that I was not straight until almost 10 years into the relationship. I thought my love for him would be enough and we’ve been married for years now, but it’s tough. He knows how I identify and is theoretically supportive, but I know he keeps hoping I’ll drop the issue or change my mind so we can go back to how things were. I feel so stuck, I love him and would rather cut my own arm off than hurt him but I am unfulfilled and dissatisfied with my life. For now, I’ve decided to deny myself his happiness but I know that’s not a long-term solution. There’s no right answer, there’s no way to do this without hurting someone horribly."
—Anonymous
7. "I was married for almost four years and we were together for seven. I had come out as bisexual in high school, and after the news not being received well by my parents, I re-closeted myself through adulthood. I am 31 now, and the pandemic made me really start reevaluating my unhealthy lifestyle decisions. I got sober and started EMDR therapy and eventually came to terms that my sexuality was the reason for a lot of drinking, anger, and internalized homophobia. When Roe V. Wade was overturned, that was the last straw for me. I was tired of living my life to make men (specifically white, cis men) comfortable. I came out to my husband and we are navigating a very amicable divorce right now. We even live next door to each other and hang out as friends. There is love outside of romance, and I look forward to our continued friendship and the opportunity to live a life I am proud of."
—Anonymous
8. "I got married right out of high school to a man, because I was raised Christian and that was what was expected of me. We only lasted two years. We'd stayed abstinent until marriage like we were 'supposed to' as good Christians, but once we were married and I actually had to go through with having sex with him, I couldn't keep denying that I was not remotely straight. We still tried to make it work, because 'divorce is a sin,' but it eventually turned into him raping me because I didn't want sex and he kept pushing it. Things didn't last, but I'm now happily married to a woman."
9. "I was with my ex-husband for seven years and married for six months. All was fine until he started gaslighting me and being abusive a few months into the marriage. I left him and moved on with my life. Cut to a year later, I made a new best friend and we did everything together. I found myself falling for her after being friends for a couple of years. Then she kissed me and my heart felt what love should feel like. Two years later, we now live together with our dog and everyone is so happy for us. I have never felt more secure, safer, and more loved."
—Anonymous
10. "I'm still married and have been for 40 years. I told my wife I was gay and she just got angry. Our sex life has stopped. I have had sex with a couple of guys. I don't love any one man but sex with them is better than anything I have ever experienced with a woman. I would like to have sex with a man every day."
—Anonymous
11. "I always liked women from a young age and I DID touch, feel, and kiss them. I started dating one guy at age 16, got pregnant, and married him at age 18. We got divorced...I was still attracted to women but never acted on it at this point in time. I slept with several other men after my first husband (trying to prove to myself I was still desirable) but I felt nothing and then I came to the conclusion guys will bang anything with a heartbeat). Then I married someone who I thought was a nice guy, had another kid, and got divorced AFTER I had an affair with the woman I'm marrying this December. We've been together for 31 years...I finally found my true love after realizing I really WAS gay."
—Anonymous
12. "My late grandpa was gay. He told me he always felt different and that he married my grandma because that’s what he was expected to do. A few years into their marriage, he figured out he was gay. His marriage fell apart shortly after my dad was born, partly because of him being gay and partly because of other unrelated issues. My grandma was beside herself after the divorce. She convinced my dad that my grandpa was a deadbeat, a terrible person, and a terrible father. My dad became estranged from my grandpa. I googled him when I was about 16 and we were able to meet for the first time. Turns out, my grandpa’s life ended up getting better after his divorce. His parents were very supportive (definitely not the norm in the early 1970s) and he was able to get back on his feet. He even joined clubs and support groups for gay men in his city. He eventually met and later married his now-late husband."
"He and his husband were together for almost 40 years. I’m so happy I was able to get in touch with him. Not to be corny, but I’m gay myself and to see someone in my family that was gay and ended up happy was amazing. He was such a wonderful person and I’m happy I knew him. I miss him every day."
—Anonymous
13. "I grew up in a very conservative state. Being gay was not accepted by anyone in my family due to religious beliefs. I always knew I was gay, but I grew up in the '80s and lived in fear of being kicked out and rejected. I married my high school girlfriend and we divorced a little over a year later. I then married my second wife knowing it was a mistake, but I wasn't ready to come out. When my second marriage ended (at age 24) I knew I needed to figure out who I was before I ruined another marriage. I came out at age 25, met the man of my dreams and we have been together for almost 29 years. We have four adopted children and couldn't be happier."
—Anonymous
14. And lastly, "My dad met my mom and got engaged at 22. He hadn’t come out to anyone and he was living a hetero life to keep appearances. They were married for eight years and divorced when I was 5. It was devastating to my mom because she had no idea about him being gay until he called her to tell her before he told us kids. He came out to us when I was 9. So for four years, she just thought she wasn’t a good wife. But I’m in my 30s now and my mom is remarried to the most incredible guy and my dad is married too (both my stepdads have the same first name!) And my mom and dad are super cool to one another, we do holidays and vacations together all as a unit. I used to try and hide it as a kid because I didn’t know anyone else who had a gay parent, but now I see how fortunate I am to have divorced parents who laugh and joke and enjoy each other's company without any bitterness or jealousy."
—Anonymous