A Recap Of What We Should've Learnt Since 16th December 2012
Rape prevention kit as provided by Indian politicians.
1. Girls, if you suspect that a suspicious-looking guy is 'bout to make a move, address him as your brother and also recite the Saraswati mantra.
According to Asaram Bapu.
2. Instead of complaining about Delhi and Gurgaon, move your ass to a village or a forest. At least you won't get raped as they are obviously untouched by western culture.
RSS granddaddy, Mohan Bhagawat thinks so.
3. Look up to your South Indian friends — dress modestly and visit temples as frequently as they do. That is the reason why instances of rape are so less in Chennai.
Madhya Pradesh minister, Bapulal Gaur clearly adores South India.
4. Don't crib about rapes if it hasn't happened to you. Only those who crib about rapes happening to other people get raped.
Akhilesh Yadav isn't here for your nagging, bitches.
5. Get married as SOON. AS. POSSIBLE. Ensure the same safety for your babies by getting them betrothed when they are embryos.
Former Haryana CM, Om Prakash Chautala thought so.
6. The "right" type of rape is not problematic. So, don't complain when you've been raped nicely.
Babulal Gaur at it again.
7. And if you are hell bent on complaining, don't over complain as that causes revenue loss to the Tourism department.
Arun Jaitley fulfilling his finance minister duties first.
8. Shoot any person of the opposite sex that you encounter. Interaction of sexes inevitably leads to rape.
Mamata Banerjee isn't here for socialisation of sexes.
9. Burn your jeans and cell phones!
Ranvir Singh, Haryana Khap Panchayat leader, wants you to burn yourself too.
10. Never ever consume chow mein again. Also, golgappas, chhole-bhature, chicken vindaloo, basically every spicy food is cancelled.
Jitender Chattar, also a Haryana Khap Panchayat leader, cannot digest spicy food. So, you shouldn't too.
11. Get ugly. Don't take baths. Don't comb your hair. Ugliness is such a turn-off.
Abhijit Mukherjee hates make-up on women. So progressive.
12. Wear 398 layers of clothing in the summer. And just to be safe, also wear a watch like Mr. India's.
NCP women leader, Asha Mirje, wants you to wear your own portable sauna.
13. Get specific endocrinal glands removed, because pheromones attract a man's animal instincts.
Kiran Bedi explained it better through Pigeon sex.
14. Vandalise and burn down any shop with scantily clad mannequins. Or, better yet, forget shopping.
Ritu Tawade, a BJP contracted got all hot and bothered by mannequins.
15. Check your horoscope. If Mercury is in retrograde, your rape is pakka. Can't do anything about it.
'The Fault In Our Stars' as explained by Chhattisgarh's home minister, Nanki Ram Kanwar.
16. Pop a bottle of champagne, pour some into a flute, empty a sachet of cyanide into it and say, "cheers to no rape!"
But sadly, it turns out some people are really into necrophilia too.