1. Girls, if you suspect that a suspicious-looking guy is 'bout to make a move, address him as your brother and also recite the Saraswati mantra.
2. Instead of complaining about Delhi and Gurgaon, move your ass to a village or a forest. At least you won't get raped as they are obviously untouched by western culture.
3. Look up to your South Indian friends — dress modestly and visit temples as frequently as they do. That is the reason why instances of rape are so less in Chennai.
4. Don't crib about rapes if it hasn't happened to you. Only those who crib about rapes happening to other people get raped.
5. Get married as SOON. AS. POSSIBLE. Ensure the same safety for your babies by getting them betrothed when they are embryos.
6. The "right" type of rape is not problematic. So, don't complain when you've been raped nicely.
7. And if you are hell bent on complaining, don't over complain as that causes revenue loss to the Tourism department.
8. Shoot any person of the opposite sex that you encounter. Interaction of sexes inevitably leads to rape.
9. Burn your jeans and cell phones!
10. Never ever consume chow mein again. Also, golgappas, chhole-bhature, chicken vindaloo, basically every spicy food is cancelled.
11. Get ugly. Don't take baths. Don't comb your hair. Ugliness is such a turn-off.
12. Wear 398 layers of clothing in the summer. And just to be safe, also wear a watch like Mr. India's.
13. Get specific endocrinal glands removed, because pheromones attract a man's animal instincts.
14. Vandalise and burn down any shop with scantily clad mannequins. Or, better yet, forget shopping.
15. Check your horoscope. If Mercury is in retrograde, your rape is pakka. Can't do anything about it.
16. Pop a bottle of champagne, pour some into a flute, empty a sachet of cyanide into it and say, "cheers to no rape!"
