"Earl Grey is a solidly middle-class tea."
"I first had Earl Grey when I got rescued from being lost after a New Year's Eve party. I was freezing and this chap called Giles took me in and gave me hot sweet Earl Grey and I fell in love with it there and then."
"That is the best middle-class Earl Grey anecdote I have ever heard."
"People called Giles drink Earl Grey. Enough said."
"Darjeeling is the kind of tea that people discover on their gap yah and insist on pronouncing in a foreign accent whenever they order it in England."
"It is very pleasing to say out loud. Darjeeeeeeeeling."
"My brother is an anthropologist and he tells me often about rooibos. I think that's all anthropologists drink."
"Fad tea. The kind of thing Grazia magazine tells you you need in your life. You do not."
"I once worked for a man who owned a pet frog, and he drank rooibos tea from a wine glass."
"It's a tea for people who own frog slaves."
"No one in Yorkshire actually drinks Yorkshire Tea."
"Milky tea is tea for babies."
"Agreed. A splash of milk, only. Any more and you're just drinking hot milk really, aren't you?"
"Milk, one sugar, is a dad tea choice. Like, everyone in The Bill or Casualty has their tea this way. Telly dads."
"Telly dads who drive a white van."
"No, that's two sugars."
"Anyone who puts any sugar in their tea is someone who doesn't like tea. Hence the need for sugar. It's like people who have syrup in their coffee. The worst people."
"Milk and two sugars is a step too far. Have a biscuit."
"Just get a Coke. Microwave a Coke."
"This is how my ex-boyfriend used to drink tea, and I found it so gross that I used to add like, eight spoons of sugar to his tea every time I made it so he would learn how wrong he was, and then he stopped."
"Mums love decaf tea."
"My mum has to have decaf tea and it makes me sad for her."
"I have sad pregnant lady's decaf Earl Grey in my drawer right now."
"OMG, proving that mums love decaf tea."
"Is mint tea a basic bitch thing? Like the Diet Coke of the tea world?"
"I don't care if it is, my ambition in life is to be one of those women who offers you fresh mint tea when you go round in the afternoon. Someone who just plucks mint leaves from a shrub in her kitchen and then serves it up with a homemade oatmeal cookie."
"People who drink green tea are searching for a sense of calm and control."
"Green tea makes me feel like anything is possible. It's the Billy Elliot of teas. You get looked at funny for drinking it where I'm from, but you know you're doing the right thing."
"Green-tea ice cream is lovely."
"But green-tea cupcakes are a step too far."
"Chamomile tea makes me think of stressed ladies in ads, eating salads and yoghurts, trying to HAVE IT ALL."
"Now I'm pregnant, if I'm stressed out I have to drink some chamomile tea and have an Epsom salts bath to chill out. I think it tastes like musty mothballs."
"The worst tea."
"Fruit tea is drunk by people who don't know what tea is."
"Smells nice, tastes like death."
"I think everyone who drinks iced tea must have access to a veranda."
"When I went to North Carolina this was all I drank, and I think I got a bit addicted."
"Most iced tea comes from a sachet. It doesn't contain any actual tea. Doesn't belong in a tea conversation."
"People who don't drink tea are the worst. Because they make a big deal out, of it and hot chocolate is not an acceptable substitute."
"The people I've met who don't drink tea are always ever so slightly sniffy and sanctimonious about it."
"There are people who drink tea, and liars."