The Nintendo 64 was released in America 19 years ago. That means that if it were a human, the high-achieving 64 would be in the first semester of sophomore year right now.
Happy 19th Nintendo 64! Here are just a few ~highly relatable~ things that could happen in this year of exploration.
1. It discovers boxed wine and starts holding "(Smash) Bros and Box" nights in its dorm room.
2. It sincerely believes it met the love of its life in its a capella group, the Nintentones.
3. It tries to get the school newspaper to take the video games beat seriously.
4. It gets really defensive when people accuse it of stuffing its pants with a Rumble Pak at parties.
5. It slowly learns that all that anti-Sega propaganda SNES spouted at home was just a bunch of racist bullshit.
6. It keeps getting phone calls from SNES and sending it to voicemail.
7. "Mom, I promise I'll call you back tomorrow," it texts to SNES.
8. It never does.
9. At a party, it says "Man, I just feel like everything was BETTER in the '80s." It was born in the '90s.
10. It joins an activist-y student group and passes out fliers on campus that say "THE 1% MUST TAKE A BLUE SHELL TO THEIR DIVIDENDS."
11. It grows to love its awkward controller that everyone made fun of in high school.
12. The love of its life from acapella breaks up with it. N64 misses classes. It spends every day playing with itself for a week.
13. To take an emotional break, it goes home and takes selfies with baby Wii U and 3DS. It posts selfies with them on Insta and gets a lot of likes. This helps its self-confidence.
14. It tries to make "Wanna Smash?" a pickup line. It doesn't go well.
15. It procrastinates on a paper and sends a late night email lying about going home because "Grandma is sick."
16. It turns out, six months later, the NES injures itself by falling in the shower and it's awkward because N64 really does have to go home to visit grandma.
17.When professors call roll with "Nin...teendu? Sixty four?" It grumbles and says "Just call me '64.'"
18. It experiments with putting in all types of non-Nintendo controllers in its 4 ports.
19. Occasionally, when its feeling adventurous, it puts something non-Nintendo in its game slot too.
20. It starts going to the gym, but continues eating at the campus cafeteria. It stays the same blocky-size it has always been.
21. A campus administrator invites it to be a model on the campus catalogue. When N64 shows up, it's surprised to find the group of consoles are the most diverse group of consoles its ever seen together at campus.
22. It somehow finds a way to relate every conversation back to Foucault, gaming, or itself.
23. The N64 feels detached from its culture and joins a Japanese Student organization to learn more.