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50 Things Only Old People Trapped In Young Bodies Take Pride In

"I'm so old." —a 24-year-old

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1. Texting fully punctuated and capitalized sentences.

2. Falling asleep in your favorite chair while listening to NPR.

3. Having a favorite chair.

4. Taking a brisk 30-minute walk and logging it in your Weight Watchers app.

5. Complaining when you're not in bed by bedtime.


6. Judging people by the strength of their handshake.

7. Complaining about your vision going.

8. Unironically asking what the teens are into nowadays.

9. Collecting baseball cards.

10. Sitting down on the subway even when you don't have anything to carry.

11. Getting to the club at 11 p.m., yawning, and saying, "OK, have fun, kiddos. Don't get TOO crazy."

12. Getting sweaty and excited when you think about new linens.

13. Taking pleasure in not knowing who the Kardashians are.

14. Texting with :) and <3 instead of 😀 and ❤️.

15. Leaving voicemails just to say hi.

16. Sitting down to pee because there's too much standing in life anyway (if you're a guy).

17. Tucking a napkin into your shirt collar.

18. Saying "hook up" to mean "hang out" instead of "sexytown."

19. Getting angry at your friends for posting too many selfies and then posting an entire album of your cat's playdate with another cat.

20. Texting yourself reminders.

21. Wearing elastic-waist pants in public spaces.

22. Using a napkin to pat your sweaty forehead when eating spicy food.

23. Making your Facebook display picture a pink rose or your cat.

24. Feeling overwhelmed by new internet slang.


25. Telling your friends you can't go to a restaurant because it gives you indigestion.

26. Preferring books to people.

27. Watching Jeopardy every night and saying the answers out loud in proper format.

28. Doing the Sunday crossword.

29. Watching the Tonys.

30. Adding "the" to things that don't need it, like "the Chipotle."

31. Complaining about how things used to be better when LiveJournal was around.

32. Saying "you'll understand when you're older" to someone who is 22.

33. Calling your plants "my babies."

34. Smelling the pages of a newspaper.

35. Complaining about your back.

36. Owning matching track suits.

37. Trying to bring polo shirts back.

38. Pickling things.

39. Not understanding what a "mixtape" is.

40. Using the phrase "the bee's knees."

41. Sending postcards from every place you visit.

42. Talking to a random person on an airplane.

43. Getting winded after walking up two flights of stairs and saying, "Man, I'm old."

44. Saying "I can't eat like I used to."

45. Saying "I can't drink like I used to."

46. Saying "I'm basically married."

47. Reminiscing about the good ol' days.

48. Using the word "reminiscing."

49. Thinking about death.

50. Writing out your will.