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BuzzFeed Staff

Food

Will Stan Pay For Dinner For Once?

What a lovely night among friends! Marsha, Doug, Ed, Francis, you, and...Stan. Out on the town! Having your once-a-month get-together to catch up on each other's busy lives! You haven't even ordered yet and everyone is already having a blast! Doug has busted out his classic story about that time in 1981 when the trunk of his car opened up on the freeway and all his afghans spilled out. It never gets old! The wine is flowing like the water coming from your backyard hose with the new high-pressure attachment you just got at Home Depot.

The Start!

Marsha orders the chicken marsala. Doug orders the steak sandwich. Ed orders the clam chowder and a side salad. Francis orders the burger and fries. You order the quiche. STAN........orders the lobster. And another lobster on top of that.

Time to order!

After the orders are taken, the fun continues. Francis talks about her husband's recent knee surgery. You chime in and mention that you had a hip surgery two years ago and it's incredible how advanced these surgeries are these days, versus when your parents were young and they just had to deal with it.

Oookay....

Over here, over here! The plates are delivered to the correct recipients and after they are all placed on the table, everyone starts digging in. Smiles all around! Everyone is pleased with the plating and pleasant look of their meal. Stan, fork and knife in hand, PLOWS into his double lobster. Like, he puts one on top of the other and then tries to cut into them both. It's horrifying. You're so close to barfing on your quiche but you manage to hold it in. You then turn to Marsha and ask her how her pet adoption service has been going these days. She starts to reply when Stan squirts the biggest butter spatter across the table.

The food is here!!!

Your dinner mates begin to pat their bellies with satisfaction. A couple people can't finish their meals. Can Francis get a doggy bag?? Meanwhile, Stan is over there, licking every last bit of butter and, I guess, lobster juice, off of his lobsters. You did not sign up for this, and you're afraid for what's yet to come. Every time you guys set up one of these dinners, Stan finds some sneaky way to get out of paying for his share. It's so bad, in fact, that you all have an email chain about it behind his back. He's only allowed to keep coming because he accidentally got looped into that chain once and everyone felt bad.

Things become sort of silent from this point on

Ed raises his hand up at the elbow to gently wave over the server. She brings the check. Doug leans back in his chair. "So, how do y'all want to do this?" he asks. Marsha has cash. Francis offers up her credit card. You suggest everyone pay with a card, but Ed says that might be hard for the server. You and Francis both offer to pay in full on your respective cards. "Doesn't matter to me!" says Doug. "I have cash too." Stan has been silent throughout all this. You know he's going to try to get out of paying. The most you've ever gotten out of him was tip money, and that was ONCE, and you guys were at IHOP.

Can we get the check?

Stan shrugs. "I'm SO bad at math!!" he says, and then looks back down at his plate. He drags a totally destroyed lemon wedge around his plate with his fork, as if he's still not finished with his meal, even though NO EDIBLE FOOD REMAINS: ONLY TWO LOBSTER CARCASSES. You want to scream.

Ask, "What do you think, Stan?"

You put one elbow on the table and rest your cheek on your hand. You fix your eyes on Stan, who is sitting back in his chair confidently and looking around at the table, like a child who is listening to the conversation of adults but has absolutely no responsibility to actively participate. But STAN IS 55 YEARS OLD. You stare at Stan. Stan...those beady eyes. That smug grin. What the hell is going through his head?! He hasn't gotten his wallet out. Did he even bring a wallet? You clear your throat. Stan still doesn't notice you.

Stare Stan down

"So!" you say, trying to sound casual, "I think Francis is going to put down her card and we're all going to pay her back with cash. Is that good with you, Stan?" Stan makes a surprised face, as if he had no idea what was going on inches away from him. "Oh! Ahh, yeah, sure!" He reaches into his pocket for his wallet and rifles through it. He makes sounds of confusion. "Mmmm....mmm..." Finally, he mutters in a surprised tone, "Huh!" 

Ask Stan if he has cash

Stan looks up at you as if he didn't expect you to notice what he'd been doing. "Oh...well, it's just that I only have two dollars. It's actually a two dollar bill, isn't that funny? And I have sixty Croatian kunas, but they probably won't accept them here...I can ask though!" He begins to motion for the server, as if this scenario is actually a possibility at ALL.

What is it, Stan?

Stan looks confused. "Is there? I didn't see one. Hmm! You know, those fees, they really get you. Did you read that Times article about how the ATM fees are a scam?" Stan is making no attempt to get up and go to the ATM. 

No problem. There's an ATM right outside the restaurant.

"Hm," says Stan. That's all he says. Then he looks back down at the disgusting war zone he has created on his plate and chases the bits and pieces around with his fork. You know he's gone for good and isn't coming back. The rest of your party notices this too and, with a collective sigh, fronts the extra money for his meal. You swear on your goddamn life Stan will never, EVER, be invited to dinner again. EVER!!!

No, I didn't read that article.

You speak loudly because you want not only Stan to hear you, but the rest of the table too, so that maybe they'll start pressuring him. It worked: Doug and Ed, who had been doing the math to divide the cash, look over at Stan. Doug gives Stan the amount he owes. Stan looks at the check. "Oh, wow, I didn't think it'd cost this much! Jeez, what a ripoff! Any of you been to Maine? I drove up there...when was it? About ten years now! When I was with Paula. You remember her? Anyway, they had this FANTASTIC little seafood joint and everything cost close to NOTHING! THAT'S what this place should be trying to do, you know?" Stan shakes his head and smiles, then slides the check back over to Doug. Umm...WHAT. JUST. HAPPENED.

So...I think we're all good, except Stan over here!

You're almost fuming at this point, but you're not sure where to go from here. Is someone going to have to pay for Stan? Are you all going to have to collectively pay for Stan? Maybe after this dinner you should talk about holding an intervention for Stan?

STAN ISN'T BAD AT MATH. HE'S A MATHEMATICS PROFESSOR AT A UNIVERSITY.

Well, last time, Stan didn't pay. But maybe you can glean some wisdom out of it. Let's see...last time, Stan ordered an entire cheesecake FOR HIMSELF, AS AN ENTREE, and then went to the bathroom for a full 20 minutes when the check came. When he came out, you were all leaving and all he said was, "Peace!" and walked out. 

Think...think...how did you guys handle this last time?

"What?" asks Stan, leaning forward toward you. He's very alert now, for the first time all night. 

You're so right, Stan! ATM fees are total scams. And you know what else?

Stan is SHOCKED by this. His jaw is slack. He loves conspiracies and total nonsense. "Wh...where did you hear this?" he stammers. "Oh, it was on the news last night!" you say enthusiastically, with all the energy you have ever been able to muster when talking to Stan. You continue to talk to him about ridiculous ATM theories for a few more minutes. Then, in a completely unexpected moment of sincerity, Stan drops the bullshit. He reaches into his pocket, the one his wallet wasn't in, and pulls out a couple $20 bills. "I...I forgot I had these until just now," he says. He throws them on top of the money pile. The server comes by to take the payment away. Did...Stan...just...pay??? Yes, he did! Stan PAID! STAN PAID!!!!

ATMs are actually operated by humans. They have to sit inside the ATMs all day and night.

Stan looks toward the restrooms longingly. He was totally going to use that move again. He looks like a sad baby. You're so pleased with yourself. "But we'll all head out soon, as soon as we all pay the bill!" you say. Stan looks up at you. "Oh, uh...yeah." He reaches into his pocket, the one his wallet wasn't in, and pulls out a couple $20 bills. "I...I forgot I had these until just now," he says. He throws them on top of the money pile. The server comes by to take the payment away. Did...Stan...just...pay??? Yes, he did! Stan PAID! STAN PAID!!!!


Tell Stan you just heard the server say the bathroom is broken

"So, Stan!" you say, making direct eye contact at him. Stan looks past you, then, somehow, through you. "Uh...I thought you'd be interested to know that they're opening up a new carpet store in the strip mall downtown, where the Radio Shack used to be." You're really winging it here. You have no idea if Stan cares about carpet. He finally focuses those creepy eyeballs on you and gives you a confused look. "Ah," he says. Then, he untucks the napkin from the collar of his shirt, places it on the table, stands up, puts on his coat, and hovers over the table. "Well, this has been great! I've really gotta get going, though. They're doing a "Three's Company" marathon tonight and it starts in an hour. I wanna go over to the gas station and get some ice cream to eat because that lobster wasn't very good." And then he just LEAVES. 

Try to engage Stan with a story so he won't leave before paying

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Will Stan Pay For Dinner For Once?

Stan is NOTORIOUS for always finding a way to skip out on the bill every time you and your friends get together for dinner. Can you FINALLY get him to pay?!

Will Stan Pay For Dinner For Once?

Stan is NOTORIOUS for always finding a way to skip out on the bill every time you and your friends get together for dinner. Can you FINALLY get him to pay?!

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