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Are You My Upstairs Neighbor?

I have some things to talk to you about.

Posted on
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    You make absolutely no noise until 10:30pm.
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    After 10:30pm, you start walking the length of your apartment for several hours.
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    You never take your shoes off.
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    It seems like you’re constantly nailing something to your wall.
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    You invite friends over who buzz my apartment instead of yours at 2:45 in the morning.
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    You come home drunk on a weeknight with those same idiot friends, and all of you are screaming simultaneously for hours.
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    You only feel inspired to organize your apartment at midnight on a Tuesday.
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    Your name is Chad.
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    You have an amateur long jump pit set up in your entryway, and you start practicing the second I start dreaming.
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    You order takeout for almost every meal.
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    The only food you cook yourself is leftover fish. How it came to be leftover in the first place, I’m not sure.
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    We both know I know who you are, Chad. Just fess up to it.
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    I can tell just by living below you that you still haven’t beaten your long jump record from last March.
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    Chad, I saw that you didn't sort out your recycling into the correct bins. I know that was you. Don't make me talk to the super about you.
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    The leftover fish sets off your fire alarm constantly.
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    Look, Chad, maybe you could have those heated discussions with your financial advisor elsewhere????
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    You're constantly singing karaoke by yourself to MIDI versions of country music on YouTube.
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    Your rendition of "Heads Carolina, Tails California" is beautiful, actually.
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    YOU'RE beautiful.
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    The fish, the long jumps, the screaming at your financial advisor...everything.
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    Oh, Chad, I’m in love with you. I’m sorry about all the things I just said.
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    I take it all back, Chad.
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    Please be mine, Chad.
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    Please.
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    Chad.
 
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