I've condensed every TV show about "real" ghosts and hauntings into one recap for your convenience, because they're all exactly the same!
We're introduced to the Walkers: a happy family. The year is 1995, and they spend every waking second outside playing catch with each other, where the weather is always sunny and perfect and they're always happy with no problems except being too happy.
But in 1996, Greg Walker, the dad, loses his job. So the family moves from one Midwestern town to another. Luckily, they were able to find a really cheap house! They were sad but then they are happy again!
For Greg and Linda Walker, this is a dream house. They are so excited to begin their new life. Of course they have doubts, but who wouldn't? The kids have doubts too, but honestly, what do kids know? They ignore all their doubts, which is smart.
About two months after moving in, Linda starts feeling like things just aren't right in the new house. She tries to talk to Greg about it, but he just won't believe her! Plus, they can't afford to move again.
Right around that time, the sun just stops shining. Or maybe it still is, but now there's some kind of dark blue filter and unnecessary glow over everything.
Starting in the summer of 1996, Linda, a stay-at-home mom, starts hearing strange noises while alone in the house. She even witnesses doors slamming. She tries to tell Greg, but he tells her she's imagining it!
In the fall of 1996, the Walkers' teenage son, Dennis, starts to act very strange and out of character. He definitely isn't just going through puberty, stressed at school, or having a crush. It's not that. It is NOT THAT.
Linda, terrified, calls in a paranormal expert. Greg, who is both in denial about the existence of supernatural beings in the house and also a Classic Stubborn Man, is very angry with this decision.
The paranormal expert senses the existence of a negative spirit the second she walks into the house, and later concludes that Dennis is posessed by a demon. The demon is feeding on his teen angst, as demons are wont to do. Yikes!
The paranormal expert suggests that the family burn sage and line the perimeter of their house with salt to ward away the demon. This would definitely, definitely work, assures the expert, a certified professional.
Linda and a reluctant Greg try the ritual, and, guess what? It works! The demon, and even that inexplicable blue filter go away!
"It was like a weight was lifted," says present-day Linda, sitting next to Greg. Cut to the couple celebrating in 1996, and we realize how very little the actors playing them actually resemble them. We also have a realization about budgetary restrictions.
The family is finally happy again. Well, for about two months. At which time the family finds itself stuck with another ghost. If you missed the blue filter, you're in luck, that bad boy's back, and it's about 70% more aggressive than last time.
It is now early 1997, and Linda's mother is visiting from out of town. "I felt a presence in the room one night, so I just started snapping photos," she says in her interview. "I got the photos developed and ended up with these orbs with faces in them."
Examining one of her photographs, present-day Linda's mother says, "You can clearly see a Victorian woman in this one, wearing a white dress. She's a ghost from the Victorian times. She looks sad."
The family brings another paranormal expert into the house to try to communicate with the entity. The expert confirms that the entity is, in fact, a Victorian woman, and that her name is Sharon.
Linda goes to an antique store and looks through old photos. She finds one of a Victorian woman marked "S." "This was DEFINITELY, beyond a shadow of a doubt, our ghost, Sharon," she still remarks to this day.
Using the most cutting-edge paranormal technology, the expert also uncovers some unexpected information that shocks the family to its very core: The house was built on a Victorian graveyard!
The family is shocked and upset. The expert encourages the family to communicate with Sharon. Perhaps Sharon can ward off the other Victorian spirits whose eternal slumbers were disturbed by the house.
"We...would try...anything," recalls Linda, in the world's most terribly spliced voiceover.
The family attempts to have a friendly conversation with Sharon, the Victorian lady ghost. "Sharon, please tell your Victorian ghost friends that we want to coexist peacefully with them. We've put out some needlework for you to do, as a sign of peace."
Unfortunately, the plan completely backfires, and Sharon turns into a very violent poltergeist. She traps herself the nursery for 72 hours with the baby.
The baby, now a grown adult, speaks out in her interview, saying, "I was just a baby, and I don't remember any of this, but I'm sure I must have been terrified. Can I go now?" Chilling!
Sharon finally decides to let go of the baby once she realizes she has a complex about never having a baby herself, because she's a ghost, and also a figment of several people's imaginations.
Greg lets go of his anger about the existence of the ghosts, Linda lets go of her anger about the existence of the filter, and the filter finally lets go and marries Valencia, the Instagram filter!
The family quickly puts the house back on the market, making sure to not tell anyone that it was haunted.
See that family's story in an all-new episode next week!