1. The one who drank waaay too much pumpkin ale and is flirting with e-v-e-r-y-o-n-e.
Thanksgiving food of choice: Beer, ale, cranberry schnapps, Kahlua, whatchu got?
Would rather be: In a couple hours, home in bed, passed out.
2. The one who brought their own special food, but not enough to share.
Thanksgiving food of choice: The organic free-range macrobiotic bean mash they brought in a Tupperware. And they need your oven for, like, 30 minutes, tops. Thaaaaanks.
Would rather be: Shopping on Goop.
3. The one who’s been cooking since dawn and is this close to cutting someone.
Thanksgiving food of choice: At this point the mere sight of food is nauseating.
Would rather be: Dead.
4. The one who ate waaay too much food and is about to be flirting with the toilet.
Thanksgiving food of choice: Yes.
Would rather be: In a time machine so they could travel back in time and maybe not inhale five slices of turkey, three pounds of mashed potatoes, and a whole bucket of peppermint bark.
5. The one who brought half a bag of chips even though it’s a potluck dinner and it’s like, really, dude?
Thanksgiving food of choice: Willing to bet it’s not the nasty-ass stale Doritos they brought.
Would rather be: Playing Xbox, so if you could make him a doggie bag to go…
6. The weird one nobody really knows, and no one is quite sure who invited.
Thanksgiving food of choice: Stuffing and tap water.
Would rather be: Traveling through space and time on the back of a luck dragon. Or maybe at home watching Two Broke Girls on Hulu.
8. The one who keeps reminding everyone that Thanksgiving was invented by Hallmark or it’s all about massacres or whatever.
Thanksgiving food of choice: THE COLD HARD TRUTH
Would rather be: At the head of the table so their voice travels better.
9. Someone’s dog hovering around, desperately hoping for scraps.
Thanksgiving food of choice: Something. Anything. What is that? I want it. Gimme it. I need it. Please. I want it. Give it to me.
Would rather be: JUST GIMME THE FOOD OMG GIMME IT
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