7 Totally Scientific Reasons Pants Are Evil

Down with pants.

1. Pants hide sexy butts.

Pants make it unnecessarily difficult to appreciate butts, which are scientifically perfect. According to Smithsonian magazine, the human brain finds circles and curves aesthetically pleasing, which means pants hinder happiness.

Adam Ellis

2. Pants will burn up your testicles and cause infertility!

Tight pants can cause testicles to overheat, lowering sperm count, and possibly leading to infertility. According to specialist Dr. Paul Turek, a rise in temperature by even a couple degrees could negatively effect sperm count. In short, by wearing pants you’re an accomplice in the extinction of the human race, and the only sure way to be safe is to forgo pants entirely.

Adam Ellis

3. Pants are cumbersome and lead to bladder infections.

When you’ve gotta pee, pants prove an unnecessary element in a situation where time is of the essence. According to Columbia University, holding in your pee can lead to cystitis, UTIs, and other infections. A ban on pants would certainly lead to a drop in these conditions and lead to a longer, happier life.

Adam Ellis

4. Pants cause spine problems.

Pants can limit the mobility of your hips, causing back issues. American Chiropractic Association president Dr. Richard Brassard warns that tight pants lead to poor posture and misalignment of the spine. Ditch the pants and stretch your back.

Adam Ellis

5. Pants hide your legs, which are officially* the hottest part of the body.

*Next to butts. Also there’s no real science behind this claim, but c’mon. Legs are the best. Google “rugby player legs” real quick and you’ll understand.

Adam Ellis

6. Jeans never fit right, no matter how often you wash them.

You have to keep washing your jeans so they fit, but they always get loose and baggy again, so you have to wash them again and again and again. Do you know what it’s called when you keep doing the same thing over and over expecting different results? Insanity. Pants make you insane. Laundry is insane. Burn all your pants.

Adam Ellis / Via Samsung

7. Pants can cause serious medical conditions to your legs.

Restriction of the legs can cause meralgia paresthetica, characterized by tingling, numbness, and burning of the thighs. Your legs want to be free, not trapped in some denim prison.

Adam Ellis

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