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The Movie "Mulan" As Told By Someone Who Has Never Seen It

Someone gets made into a man?

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This is Mulan. At first she's pretty angsty because she has to wear a ton of makeup and dresses even though she's def a tomboy.

So she sings a little Christina Aguilera to help her get through it.

She owns a dragon who helps her to cook dinner when she's too busy learning swords and stuff.

Disney / Via teacupdream.tumblr.com

The dragon can somehow talk even though that's clearly impossible.

Disney / Via idfei.tumblr.com

Come on, Disney. You're supposed to be a bastion of realism.

I have no idea who this woman is or why she is doing the windmill thing with her arm, but she's in there at some point.

Disney / Via reddit.com

Everyone in the village likes to play tug of war with Mulan's hair, which is a plot point because she gets her hair cut later?

Disney / Via pauleski.tumblr.com

There's this Red Cape Man who lives in her village, and Mulan's got a major crush on him.

He's a big strong man who does strong man things like break valuable pottery.

Disney / Via fantasmicgoria.tumblr.com

So macho.

He also rides a horse and makes Mulan bring it to the stables.

This is still the same guy, right? IDK.
Disney / Via disneyprincesscaps.tumblr.com

This is still the same guy, right? IDK.

Her dragon is maybe a little jealous because he totally thought he had a chance.

At some point, Mulan leaves the village and has a snowball fight with these two normal sized men and one giant.

Disney / Via teacupdream.tumblr.com

There is a big fire that burns down Mulan's entire village, but she wasn't there during the blaze because she was having her snowball fight.

Disney / Via teacupdream.tumblr.com

Eventually Mulan goes to war. Again, this dragon should not be able to talk.

Disney / Via wingsidream.tumblr.com

This withered ghost/monster decides to shame Mulan for going to battle.

Someone's not a fan of gender nonconformity.
Disney / Via lndoxyl.tumblr.com

Someone's not a fan of gender nonconformity.

Other people are upset with Mulan for wanting to fight, too, and there's a reference to a cow as well just because?

Red Cape Man and Mulan are in the same battalion, and somehow he manages not to recognize her.

Disney / Via disgeek.com

War and stuff happens.

Disney / Via reddit.com

Mulan's fighting against these Huns. There's some song about defeating them that literally everyone and their mother starts singing when this movie is brought up.

Disney / Via disgeek.com

Damn, she can ride.

Disney / Via disgeek.com

And then she defeats the Huns and saves all of China!

You go, Mulan!
Disney / Via users.sau56.k12.nh.us

You go, Mulan!

A bunch of people are happy about that and bow down to her, like she's Beyoncé or something.

Disney / Via youtube.com

This wizened elderly man, who may or may not be Mulan's father, gives her this janky crooked sword in honor of her victory.

Disney / Via aprincessteaparty.tumblr.com

Mulan, that sword is broken. Why are you so happy?

And Red Cape Man realizes who she was all along, even though his grammar is terrible.

Disney / Via reddit.com

And in the end they get together because yin and yang and all that.

Disney / Via btchflcks.com

And that's the story of Mulan.

Disney / Via movieline.com

I think.

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