1. A door that automatically double locks itself when you leave the house so you don’t have to check to make sure.
2. Airplane seats that balance themselves out when there is turbulence so you never actually have to feel the turbulence.
3. Airplane seats that give you a massage the entire time.
4. A spa on an airplane. Like, a full-on spa, with jacuzzis and incense and all that.
5. You know what. Let’s just get a teleportation machine so you never have to fly on an airplane at all.
6. A nice glass of wine that magically appears out of nowhere when you need to ~take the edge off~.
7. A version of WebMD that gives you soothing advice instead of making you worry that you are coming down with the Black Plague.
8. Shazaam for those weird noises you hear coming from upstairs, so you can know for sure that it’s just awkward floor creaking and not a murderer loading a gun.
9. A time machine so you can go into the future and check if that person ended up accepting your friend request or if you were freaking out for nothing.
10. A text messaging service that sends you calming affirmations if it takes someone longer than one minute to respond to your text.
11. The ability to give off a slight glow in total darkness so you don’t have to be in pitch blackness even if you forgot your phone and don’t have a flashlight or anything.
12. A time-turner so you can go back and unsay that stupid thing you said an hour ago but can’t stop replaying in your mind.
13. A checklist that gives you a cupcake every time you complete something that you need to do.
14. A pad of paper that can pick up on your thoughts and write them down before you forget to.
15. An oven that turns itself off automatically as soon as your food is done so you don’t have to worry about forgetting to turn it off or about overcooking your food.
16. A magical pill that you can take right before going on a first date that instantly takes aware your fear. But like…a legal pill, OK?
17. Sentient robots that you can use for acting out different social situations so you are prepared in every case.
18. Also, a little robot that comes with you during all these different social situations and whispers little compliments into your ear every time you start to get anxious.
19. A remote control that can pause any social interaction.
20. A phone that blocks any and all calls that can’t be identified by caller ID.
21. Actually a phone that just blocks all calls. Only text messages.
22. Noise-canceling headphones except the only noise that they cancel is those whispers coming from across the room that are DEFINITELY about you.
23. A blanket that you can wrap yourself in and it sucks all the stress out of you, kind of like if stress were water and the blanket were your bath towel.
24. A 100% infallible sleeping pill so you never wake up in the middle of the night worrying about what you have to do the next day.
25. An alarm clock that has arms that reach out and shake you awake if you sleep through it so you’re never late.
26. A self-driving car that never breaks traffic rules so you can be sure that the cop coming down the street is not looking for you, ok, you aren’t going to jail, ok?
27. A personal portable bathroom so you don’t have to worry about using public ones.
28. A bank account that automatically replenishes your finances when you’re running low.
29. The ability to erase all knowledge from your brain about people who are way more successful than you even though they are way younger than you.
30. An invisibility cloak for when you do something embarrassing in public and need to disappear. I’m looking at you, Harry Potter.
31. A translator for texts that just say “k” so you know what it actually means FOR ONCE.
32. A translator for when someone just says “Call me.”
33. A translator for passive-aggressive social media statuses that you just KNOW are about you.
34. Basically, a translator for any and all human interactions.
- Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders clashed on immigration, Obama, and Kissinger (!) in Thursday's Democratic debate. We have a recap for you 🇺🇸
- NYPD Officer Peter Liang was found guilty of manslaughter in the 2014 shooting of Akai Gurley, an unarmed black man.
- And how well do you know what happened in the news this week? Take our quiz.