1. Kleenex Facial Tissue
“I want to start this off by thanking Kleenex for selling these in 36-packs. I’ve put it on subscription, and if they want to start selling a 72-pack, sign me up. I have three reasons for needing this much Kleenex, and their names are Liam, Samuel and Hank.
This is how it goes in this house. First the Kleenex disappears. Then the toilet paper. Then they go for fabrics. And you don’t want it to get there, unless you’re ready to invest in a five gallon drum of Fabreeze.
This used to be a good Christian home. But it’s not about moral judgment anymore. I’m way beyond that. I’m in survival mode. If I don’t supply absorbent paper products, I’m going to find my dish towels hidden in the basement, stiff as aluminum. The other day, I almost cut my hand on a sock. I am sorry to speak so frankly, but with three teenage boys, a woman has got to be practical.”
2. The Holy Bible: King James Version
“For those of you who don’t know, this is God’s second novel after the Old Testament. It’s a marked improvement, in my opinion. He got rid of a lot of his previous angst and scorn, and has really begun to show some of the maturity present in his later works.
That said, there is still vast room for improvement. Plot wise, there isn’t really much suspense, and the story can be incredibly repetitive.
I like the whole Jesus character, but let’s face it, the whole good guy martyr thing has been done before. There was no need to devote so much of the book to that guy.”
3. Veet for Men Hair Removal Gel Creme
“Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don’t have to. Heed my lesson. DO NOT PUT ON KNOB AND BOLLOCKS.
(I am giving this product a 5 because despite the fact that I think my bollocks might fall off, they are now completely hairless.)”
4. BIC for Her Medium Ballpoint Pen
“My husband has never allowed me to write, as he doesn’t want me touching mens pens. However when I saw this product, I decided to buy it (using my pocket money) and so far it has been fabulous! Once I had learnt to write, the feminine colour and the grip size (which was more suited to my delicate little hands) has enabled me to vent thoughts about new recipe ideas, sewing and gardening. My husband is less pleased with this product as he believes it will lead to more independence and he hates the feminine tingling sensation (along with the visions of fairies and rainbows) he gets whenever he picks it up.”
5. English Grammar for Dummies
“When i first come to America, my english did cause me problems. In Soviet Russia i was strong teacher, my english i know is the best in all of Petropavlovsk. My brother, Mikhail, he say to me, “Nikolai you go to America, they make you rich like czar, take many woman as lover, kill many bear”. My brother, he is very wise, is greatest toymaker in all of Russia. So next day i wake up, sell my house, say goodbye to wife and children, and go to America to become millionaire. Then in America, I go to job interview and they say to me “Nikolai, you are not for the job here, you are not the skills we need, your english is poor like child”. I take that man and smash his table, i say “someday i will be greatest man in all of country, your children will wish me their father!”. That day my anger is best of me. It is then i know i must learn better english, so i buy book “English Grammer it is for Dummies” by Mr.Woods. Now i am perfect english grammer! I write letter to Mikhail, he write back “Nikolai, your english is like a god, you will be millionaire soon! all of Petropavlovsk is proud for you! good luck brother! please send letter when you are president or maybe even czar! Hahaha! also, your wife is killed by bear”. So i say thanks to Mr.Woods for his book! When i am czar your family will be spared! Hahahaha! (is joke).”
6. Nike Air Foamposite One NRG
“Sure these shoes are pricey but you get what you pay for. I worked 60 hours a week all year long and I finally was able to purchase these shoes. I put them on and you could immediately tell these weren’t your average $60 sneakers. They may have the same amount of form, comfort, shape and performance but they are WAY more stylish. Like $3,000 stylish.
Sometimes my daughter complains, though. She’ll say things like “Are we going to eat tonight” and “I’m tired of sleeping in the street” but then I just show her my awesome Nikes and she shuts her little bitch mouth.
Great shoes, do recommend!!”
7. How to Avoid Huge Ships
“I live near a park and frequently walk around the local area. Given the amount of dog mess that is on the pavements I thought this book would be the ideal read to stop me having to scrape my shoes on the grass before going home. It was only after it arrived that I looked closely at the title and realised it said ‘How to Avoid Huge SHIPS’. A simple error that means I am still treading on massive examples of canine excrement. Having said that, I read the book anyway, and I’m pleased to say I’m not even having near misses with huge ships anymore. No sir, they aint getting anywhere near me!”
8. Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant, 55 Gallon
“A little over a decade ago, I bought my 55 gallon drum of lube. I never thought I’d use it all but a few days ago the pump finally ran dry. I‘ve had a lot of good times with it. My wife, too. And not just what you’d think. One day I just hosed down our hardwood-floored hallway so I could use it as a slip-n-slide. You shouldn’t think of this as a ‘purchase.’ It’s an ‘investment.’ An investment sure to pay off in spades.”
11. Zenith Men’s 96.0529.4035/51.M Defy Xtreme Tourbillon Titanium Chronograph Watch
“I wasn’t going to buy this watch, but then I noticed Amazon had it with $58,000 off! What a deal. With the money I saved I purchased a brand new BMW and still had money left over for a Disney vacation. How many watches save you money to buy a car and a vacation?
Now whenever I see someone with money troubles I tell them to buy this watch and save $58,000. I am considering buying 10 of these watches so I can save $580,000 and buy a house on cash. Retirement saving is also no longer a concern for me, as I plan to buy one every year and live off the $58,000 I save.”
12. Denon AKDL1 Dedicated Link Cable
“The minute I plugged this cable in, I knew something was amiss. The first evidence? The small wormhole that appeared in our living room, right next to our holstein cowhide recliner.
Brad shouted from the kitchen that he was detecting elevated tachyon levels from our Vita-Mix, so we immediately diverted power to our forward Romco Rotisserie array.
I recalibrated our George Foreman Grill (about 10 picometers), ejected the warp core from our Dyson Ball Vac, and unplugged all the Magic Jacks in the house. Bingo. No more worm hole.”
13. Sugar-Free Haribo Gummi Bears
“If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, RUN!
What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM.”
14. Accoutrements Horse Head Mask
“It is day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own. I have grown to understand and respect their gentle ways. Now I question everything I thought I once knew and fear I am no longer capable of following through with my primary objective. I know that those who sent me will not relent. They will send others in my place… But we will be ready.”
15. Playmobil Security Check Point
“I was a little disappointed when I first bought this item, because the functionality is limited. My 5 year old son pointed out that the passenger’s shoes cannot be removed. Then, we placed a deadly fingernail file underneath the passenger’s scarf, and neither the detector doorway nor the security wand picked it up. My son said “that’s the worst security ever!”. But it turned out to be okay, because when the passenger got on the Playmobil B757 and tried to hijack it, she was mobbed by a couple of other heroic passengers, who only sustained minor injuries in the scuffle, which were treated at the Playmobil Hospital.
The best thing about this product is that it teaches kids about the realities of living in a high-surveillence society. My son said he wants the Playmobil Neighborhood Surveillence System set for Christmas. I’ve heard that the CC TV cameras on that thing are pretty worthless in terms of quality and motion detection, so I think I’ll get him the Playmobil Abu-Gharib Interogation Set instead (it comes with a cute little memo from George Bush).”
16. Where Is Baby’s Belly Button?: A Lift-the-Flap Book
“This book is completely misleading. The entire plot revolves around finding Baby’s belly button; the title makes this much clear from the beginning. However, there is no mystery. There is no twist. Baby’s belly button is right where it’s suppose to be, on Baby’s stomach. Right where it clearly SHOWS you it is on the COVER OF THE BOOK.
This plot is a complete mess as a result of it’s reliance on the mystery of where the belly button is; everything falls apart the second you realize that the belly button was in plain sight all along. There is no conflict, there is no character development, and there is scarcely any plot. Whoever wrote this book must have a serious error in judgement, because you would have to be an infant to not immediately understand where Baby’s belly button is. This is one of the worst pieces of literature I have ever read.”
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