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25 Hilariously Epic Ways To Ruin A Date

"AN ASTEROID?! I'LL BE RIGHT THERE!"

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1. Say you have to go to the bathroom and crawl out the window to your freedom.

2. Ask someone at the bar be your S.O. for ten minutes and cause a scene by Hulking out.

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3. Act like you’re listening to an ear piece then say “Dear God, they've found me”. Charlie’s Angel roll to the door and don’t look back.

4. Ditch your date and have the server tell them men in black suits escorted you out to the alley.

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The trick is to drop hints that you're really into Scientology. It will click.

5. Spend a lot of time on your phone. If they ask what you’re doing reply “Tinder.”

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Take it a step further by actually inviting multiple Tinder matches to your date.

6. Pretend faint and when your date goes to get help, make a run for it.

7. Yell into the phone “AN ASTEROID?! I’LL BE RIGHT THERE!” and walk out without saying goodbye.

8. Ask someone to take your place when your date goes to the bathroom and act like they've been there the whole time.

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9. Steal someone’s wallet, give it back to them and blame it on your date, then slip out when the drama starts.

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It's helpful to pick somebody who looks like they would punch you out.

10. Ask what your date is looking for because you've always been curious if you could get away with murder. Tell them to call you when they “get serious.”

11. Spend the entire time on the phone with your mom bitching about how there are no viable dating prospects.

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Or talking to another guy. Or taking selfies. Pretty much do anything on the phone the entire time.

12. Listen to a voicemail and then say “Can we press pause for like three to four weeks or until the swelling goes down? Excuse me, I have A LOT of calls to make.”

13. Flail your arms about with reckless abandon every few minutes and tell your date you have uncontrollable muscle spasms.

14. Fall asleep in your food and don’t wake up until they leave.

15. Any time your date says something boring or sad, laugh hysterically and say “Hold on, I have to tweet that.”

16. Ask everyone who passes your table, “Would you be into that?” and point to your date.

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17. Take your shoes off, rest your feet on the table and don’t explain yourself.

18. Talk only in acronyms and internet slang.

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How was your day? IDK WTF LOL U MAD BRO?

19. Ask if they think the date is going well enough that you should cancel the date you have scheduled after this one.

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DON'T LET THEM ANSWER THE QUESTION.

20. Talk a lot about your hormones. Or lack thereof.

21. Claim that you really like to live in the moment and then stare into the abyss while breathing heavily.

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Shush them if they try to talk.

22. If you get to the food, eat like a total slob. Completely forego the silverware.

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23. Tell them stories from your childhood that are obviously classic movie plots.

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One time my family went to France for Christmas. And they forgot me. And then these two bozos tried to rob my house. And I fucked them up good.

24. Pretend to be channeling the spirits.

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25. Say “Oh, there’s my brother/sister!” and then go kiss a stranger full on the mouth.

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