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Things Your Campus Tour Guides Are REALLY Thinking

You know those fabulous students who happily give their time to take perspective students around their beloved college home? Well, it isn't all rainbows and sunshine. We endure the rainy days, the freezing temperatures, and the needy parents to show you all that our beautiful campus has to offer. Follow us as we guide you through what is actually going on in your lovely tour guide's head.

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"Oh, wow! You guys chose a great day to come on a tour. The weather is gorgeous!"

Every type of weather is "gorgeous" when you strive to maintain your tour-guide-positive attitude!! Even the below freezing wind chills that frequent many Midwestern campuses...

"Let me know what your major is so I can get to know a little more about you!"

Please be my major. Please be my major. Please be my major. It will make this so much more enjoyable for the both of us.

"Okay, so I'm going to be walking backward. So please let me know if I'm going to run into anything!"

I've run into 2 bikers, a long boarder, fallen into a pothole, off of several curbs, and almost knocked over the beloved campus statue in our quad. All this week. PLEASE tell me if I'm going to run into anything. Please.

"Here is our beloved campus statue."

Does anyone know who created it? Neither do we.

Does anyone know who created it? Neither do we.

"Our entire campus is totally Wi-fi accessible!!"

Along with every other campus, Starbucks, and airport IN THE NATION. We're a big deal.

"Any questions?"

I actually have nothing else to say about this area of campus and we have about a two minute walk to the next area… Someone please make this not awkward.

"We have such a variety of food options around campus."

I've eaten Chick-fil-A for every single meal this week.

"You can make the most of eating here on campus using our convenient meal plan!"

Whoever makes up college meal plans deserves no happiness or joy in their lives.

"Parking services is REEEEEALLY good at their job…"

There is a special circle of hell reserved for these guys… I've gotten 4 parking tickets already this semester. I can barely afford gas and now you're making me pay these tickets?! Really?

"To your left you can see several of our residence halls here on campus."

Dorm. It's a dorm. Why aren't we allowed to just call it a dorm?

"We have beautiful study lounges and kitchen areas for your use within the residence hall"

Ping pong and cookie making. That is what these are good for.

"Every residence hall becomes your own community. You will really bond with everyone living around you."

But then there is that one student who goes to bed at 11 and always yells at you to be quiet. And there is also that one person who sings up and down the hallways everyday. But there is also that fabulous individual who makes the entire hall cookies. Mission: befriend them.

"Here is that one building with a very unique name"

We are the only ones on campus who pronounce this building's name correctly. To the point where we correct our friends daily. And get really passive aggressive with anyone who pronounces it wrong.

"The rooms are very spacious! You can fit a futon, a fridge, and anything else you could possibly need!"

Except anything a college student would logically need to fit within one room.

"Here in our library, we have completely silent areas to help our students study."

HA.

"I'm not sure how tall our library building is, but I do know it's several stories..."

Laugh at me please. I'm hilarious.

Laugh at me please. I'm hilarious.

"This is our beautiful Recreational Center. It is full of plenty of different areas for our students to exercise and avoid that Freshman Fifteen."

The Freshman Fifteen is so real. Mainly because there is a Quiznos in this building. Thats the only reason I ever come in here.

"We've got about three more buildings to hit before we finish up our tour today!"

You're all getting hungry. I'm getting winded. Let's rally, team. We're almost there!

"Alright, I hope you've enjoyed your tour! It was so nice meeting you all, and I hope you see you around campus next year!"

Whether or not we actually hope to see you around, and despite how we will joke about each of you to our coworkers after this tour is over, we love our job. We have campus pride 'til we die, and we simply want to make everyone else love our home as much as we do. So, really. We do genuinely hope you enjoyed your tour.

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