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The Highs And Lows Of Being Tee-Total

I have an illness which means I rarely drink alcohol. I've probably had the same number of drinks in my entire life as most people have in their first week of uni. Thinking of giving up the sauce? Here is what to expect on your sober nights out...

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Pro: It's cheaper: water, coca-cola, juice, and whatever else the bartender can find you in the back of the fridge are generally cheaper to begin with. Factor in the absence of beer-induced generosity and you have yourself a night out that costs less than most people are spending on the taxi home.

Con: You will have to play drinking games with water. You will have to pee. A lot.

Pro: No hangover. Oh the smug sing-song way you can shout "GOOD MOORR-NIIING"at 7am. Loudly. Watch them squirm and groan as you open all the curtains.

Con: All of your friends are awful when they are drunk. They think they are hilarious, they think they aren't standing on your feet and they think they are speaking coherently. Most of all, when sober, they insist they are not an annoying drunk. None of these things are true. British repression is useful here.

Pro: Less calories. If you are sticking to water, diet soft drinks or diluted juice you are not only saving pennies, you are saving calories too. You are also usually less inclined to fill your face with fried chicken on the way home without the trademark drop in blood sugar following the booze.

Con: Nights out are REALLY LONG. I mean so long. Longer than you can ever imagine. Fun fact - the hours between 1am and 4am are actually 800 times longer than all the other hours put together

Pro: You can fake a dark and mysterious past to explain your decision to forego a drink. DOUBLE PRO: drunk people believe anything.

Con: There is nobody you will find attractive on a dance-floor at 2am after 6 glasses of pineapple juice and soda (a personal fave). DOUBLE CON: Drunk people will find you attractive and slurringly tell you so. This is not appealing when you are stone-cold sober.

Pro: Increased alcohol consumption is associated with an increased risk of many different diseases. Binge-drinking, a firm favourite with us millennials, is the worst pattern of drinking you can follow. Your organs will thank you for that orange juice later.

Con: People will spend their life telling you they don't need to drink to have a good time. OK I BELIEVE YOU NOW BE QUIET. They will never stop telling you. You will not have seen most of these people actually have a good time without a drink. Don't worry though, THEY DEFINITELY CAN.

Pro: You can remember everything

Con: You can remember EVERYTHING

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