The SEC Burn Book


1. The Southeastern Conference (SEC) can be a scary place.

2. Being in the SEC during the regular season “is like being in Africa. By the watering hole. When the animals are in heat.”

3. And not everyone can handle it.

4. Welcome to the SEC.

5. Here, “You got your freshmen….

The University of Missouri

“Do they even go here?”

6. …ROTC guys…

Texas A&M University

“I don’t hate you because you’re cult-like. You’re cult-like because I hate you.”

7. …Preps…

The University of Mississippi (Ole Miss)

“We’re, like, really pretty.” “So you think we’re really pretty?”

8. …JV Jocks…

The University of Tennessee

“They asked me how to spell orange.”

9. …Asian Nerds…

Vanderbilt University

“If you’re from Nashville, why are you smart?”

10. …Cool Asians…

The University of Florida

“There’s a 30% chance we’re already losing.”

11. …Varsity Jocks…

The University of Georgia

“There are two types of evil people in this world. Those who go to Florida and those who go to Auburn.”

12. …Girls Who Eat Their Feelings…

The University of Arkansas

“And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that Man could fight the LSU Tigers. And the homosexuals.”

13. …Girls Who Don’t Eat Anything…

The University of South Carolina

“We only carry sizes one, three and five. You could try Belk.”

14. …Desperate Wannabees…

Mississippi State University

“Quit trying to make cowbell happen. IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.”

15. …Burnouts…

Auburn University

“That’s a scary mascot, bro.”

16. …Sexually Active Band Geeks…

The University of Kentucky

“Don’t have sex. You will get pregnant. And only be relevant in basketball.”

17. …The Greatest People You Will Ever Meet…

Louisiana State University

“Raise your hand if you’ve ever been personally victimized by Nick Saban.”

18. …And The Worst, Beware Of The Plastics.”

The University of Alabama

“On Wednesdays, we wear Houndstooth.”

19. At the end of the day, though, we come together to judge the other conferences.

20. We’re the best, and we’re sorry you’re all jealous.

21. Keep trying, though.

23. We’ll still be here.

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